Firstly this is not a sign that you’ve somehow failed as a parent. You have a troubled teenager who may well need professional help either now or in the future, and he has the added inspiration of a father who models disrespectful behaviour and lax boundaries. Your boy will feel the freedom but also feel inherently unsafe, making his behaviour worse and his anger more present. the drugs are also a way of coping with this as well as the unfortunate "family" group that he has chosen.
The main thing that you can do is find a way to connect with your son, without bringing up the problems or feeling you must address his behaviour. he needs to feel your love and safe presence. if he won't accept that just now you just have to keep going there and offering it....very, very hard to do!
He will still crave love, approval, and acceptance from you. That means you probably have a lot more influence over your teen than you think.
To open the lines of communication:
Be aware of your own stress levels. If you’re angry or upset, now is not the time to try to communicate with your teen. Wait until you’re calm and energized before starting any conversation. You’re likely to need all the patience and positive energy you can muster.
Be there for your teen.Invite him round for dinner frequently even if he declines often and do not make it conditional on anything except respectful behaviour to you at the table.
Find common ground. The objective is not to be your teen’s best friend, but to find common interests that you can discuss peacefully. Once you’re talking, your son may feel more comfortable opening up to you about other things. Even if he doesn't at least you still have a relationship to build on in the future.
Listen without judging or giving advice. When your teen does talk to you, it’s important that you listen without judging, interrupting, criticizing, or offering advice. Keep your focus on your child, even when he or she is not looking at you.
Expect rejection. Your attempts to connect with your son may often be met with anger, irritation, or other negative reactions. Stay relaxed and allow your teen space to cool off. Try again later. Don’t be put off; persevere and the breakthrough will come.
Model Healthy Lifestyle (you may not be able to do it just now if he is mostly absent...)
Create structure in your home life. Just knowing that home is still up and running creates a place of safety for him.
Eat right. Good for you, good for him. regular meals and healthy choices.
Take Care of Yourself
The stress of dealing with any teenager, especially one who’s experiencing behavioral problems, can take a toll on your own health, so it’s important to take care of yourself. That means looking after your emotional and physical needs and learning to manage stress.
Take time to relax daily and learn how to regulate yourself and de-stress when you start to feel overwhelmed.
Don’t go it alone, especially as you’re a single parent. Seek help from friends, relatives, a school counselor, sports coach, religious leader, or someone else who has a relationship with your teen.
Watch out for signs of depression and anxiety, and get professional help if needed (including the police if criminal behaviour becomes apparent...real life consequences may be the way he finds his way back).
This won’t last forever.
I really really hope you find 2014 is the year he rediscovers yu and the rest of his life.