Opinions needed on how being a single parent affects the kids

[Betti]

I have 3 children aged 11, 8 & 5 and my DH has never really paid them much attention. He loves them, I'm sure but the only time he really speaks to them is to tell them off. My 8yr old son has low self-esteem because he can never be good enough in his dad's eyes. My DH travels a lot on business and when he's home he's either playing candy crush or reading his twitter account. He would never go in the garden and kick a ball around or play rough and tumble. My question is, is it better to have a dad in your life even if he pays you no attention and makes you feel inadequate or will the kids be happier without him? I am worried they will grow up with 'issues' (the same ones he has as he was ignored by his parents as a child)

Are you asking this question because you are thinking of separating or because you feel he is absent from the children's lives?

My dad has never been in my life (though recently found him via Google, no intention of contracting him). I don't think my brother or I have any issues, at least none caused by lack of a father...

If I felt that his behaviour was detrimental to the children, I would leave him. My love for him died a long time ago but we are friends. The most important thing to me is my children's happiness.

Have you spoken to him about your worries?

Do you think that perhaps he's not happy in your relationship but won't leave? Maybe he's just accepted this is the way it is.

My exh left 5 months ago (today actually!) and he has a better relationship with our boys now, despite seeing them less. It's more quality time now. When we were together he would never take them out on his own, ever, and would always be on his phone/iPad. But now they get loads of daddy time and go places with him they never went before.

Personally I think that if the DC spend most of their time with you then they are more effected by your happiness and health than their fathers. What I mean is if you are unhappy in this relationship your DC will know, even if you think that you are hiding it well, and this will effect their well-being.
I agree with Sasquatc, often the relationship with their father improves with separation because they then have allocated contact times that he will find it hard to get out of - unless he is a complete uncaring bastard in which case your better off out anyway.

It can go one of two ways..either Dad can play Disney dad and spend quality time or continue not to bother...

Do you think this could be more about your relationship together...you don't sound happy, do you think he is on laptop avoiding the general feelings around? Do you leave him with the kids or ask him to take them out while you get some stuff done..

Maybe relate could help all of you

they going to grow up with issues for sure if he doesnt change.

seprating might give you all a new lease of life .

what are you doing about your son's self esteem? have you sought advice/help eg GP, counselling etc?

Have you told your dh about your fears?

I have tried talking to him about how he is with the children but he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong. I have spoken to the counsellor at school about my son's low self-esteem and she has told me that my husband needs to change how he talks to him but again, when I did he just said what do they know. I am not unhappy. I live a very nice life but I wish I had a DH who would get out of bed to have breakfast with us all and not moan if I ask him to do the school run. I want him to kiss the children good night and read them a bedtime story. I want him to enjoy being with the children rather than telling them to stop being noisy. I want him to be proud of their achievements instead of telling them there is always room for improvement. I feel sad for them. They get more attention and have more fun with my friend's DHs. They must notice that the way their own father is with them is different to how their friend's dads are. My DH has not spoken to his parents for a year now. Not because they have fallen out but because he doesn't see the point. They have also not bothered to contact him. I don't want my children to grow up and never think it's important to contact us. I want them to have fond memories of their childhood and to know that they are loved.

Just to add....this is his second marriage. He has 2 children from his previous marriage who he has had no contact with for 20 years because he felt that it was detrimental to the children to have a part-time dad (he does support them financially). I'm now wondering whether that is the truth or whether he just didn't have a bond with them. If we split up, will he bother with our children and if not, how will that affect them?

It doesn't sound good . XP could be like that, do the bare minimum and grumble if he was asked to do more.

My DC's haven't seen their dad in 5yrs and while they're a 'spirited' pair, they do seem happy, get stuck in with their friends and do well at school. I'm always monitoring the situation though, they sometimes ask questions about their dad which I always answer honestly, and without malice, although they do know daddy was grumpy (an understatement!!). They're too young (7 & 5) to know what it's like to have a dad though, for them it's normal to just have mum.

You should leave, you really should. I'm struggling to articulate what I want to say, because I feel so angry for your children; I had a father like this, and it has impacted on me for all of my life, through low self esteem, never feeling good enough and serious emotional issues. Please, you all deserve better than this.

It's got to be better for your children to just have one parent around who loves and values them, rather than seeing the proof everyday that their other parent doesn't really give a damn about them. It's completely natural that your son has low self-esteem: One of the people who is supposed to love and care for him unconditionally just doesn't; how worthless must he be then?

You can't know whether he'll step-up to being a proper father or not if you do leave, and in many ways it doesn't matter, because your children will have a secure home with you that is filled with love and fun, and they will know they are valued.
I would seriously start making some plans to go.

I am wondering what is keeping you there? It seems no one is gaining anything?

My Ex didn't see his first DS after he separated from mum...the signs were there..It does sound like they might be the same for your children...

I have had converastions with my DS (6) and explained I thought we would be happier on our own and think we are...

DD1 (17) will quite happily say that she has no issues from being raised by a single parent.

The main reason I divorced XH was because of the way he was with the DC, I didn't want them to have to live with that level of negativity towards them. I knew how that felt from my own childhood and there was no way was having the DC live their daily lives like that.

well you cannot change him. only he can.
you can only change yourself and act for the better life of you and your dc.

you are wasting your time wanting him to be or do x or y because unless he wants to engage with this process and lsiten then nothing will change. ...only if he sees a reason to change will he do so.

if the dc are suffering because he gets upset when they noisy ie being kids then its time to leave.

you could try - tell him you would like things to change and you would like to go to relate together. if he doesnt show any interest then you have to consider the options.

Thank you so much everyone. You have given me lots to think about and the courage to make the right decision.