Setting the tone

[misselphaba]

Breakup with XP is still very recent but he is already messing about with seeing DD and money is a bit of an issue.

I unfortunately allowed him to take the absolute piss out of me when we were together so I fully expect him to carry on much the same if allowed. I need to put my foot firmly down now before we get into a pattern of him taking the piss and me fuming but ultimately taking it.

I don't want to create tension though as things are relatively ok between us right now but at the same time I don't want to be a doormat to keep the peace.

The main issues are, I imagine common enough:

Keeping to arrangements we've made about when he sees DD. Today he didn't turn up or call to let me know what was going on. DD is only 15 mths so too little to realise but that will soon change.

I'm in debt because of him and so things are going to he very tight even with making small repayments. I don't expect him to repay what he owes but I expect him to consider us before spending his last tenner in the pub. Formal maintenance arrangements are unlikely to work out as he will lie about how much money he's getting to leave me short.

How do I broach this without starting WW3? Or is that a pipe dream?

The family mediation service would be able to draft a joint parenting agreement. It wouldn't be legally binding but it could cover anything you wanted to and might give you both some peace of mind for the future. Generally, if a dad feels involved and valued id say he's more likely to want to make payments and offer support. Conversely, if he perceives himself as being under the thumb the opposite can apply.

Approach everything from what is best for dd. Doesn't matter how old she is, she will pick up that mummy is getting stressed, checking her watch and looking out the window all day. You deserve to be able to plan her day and yours.

Suggest some ground rules for you both. Agree regular pick up and drop off times. Procedure for changes eg ask each other a week in advance. Procedure for emergencies eg phonecall. If there is no contact 30 mins after pick up time, contact is off for the day. You will also have to work out what to do about Xmas, dd's birthday, your birthdays, Father's/Mother's day etc. Also either of you taking her away on holiday.

If he is unreliable always have backup childcare for dd if you have made plans for yourself.

Child Maintenance Options will tell you the minimum you are entilted to, if you know his earnings. Ask for a direct debit. As long as he pays up, what he does with his last tenner is not your concern. If he throws his toys out of the pram, CSA.

Basically if he is an arse, try and set groundrules so there isn't room for debate and you are as reliant on him as little as possible. If you both know where you are and what is expected of you, hopefully things will be easier.

The first thing you need to do is make sure you are not relying on him in any way. IME he will continue just as he was, you can't change him, and it just gives him leverage to be cruel.

I wish there was a way of making fathers do the right thing by their children, but there isn't. So all I can say is waterproof your life so that any let downs have a minimal effect.

Eg make sure you can get by without his money. Any money he gives is an extra to the basics (I know that's really really difficult but it cuts off his power - just don't tell him)

Eg don't tell your child when daddy is coming, that way you are not left with a distraught child if he fails to turn up (this is something I have to do, my Ds is three, and he's much happier and trusts what I say since I stopped telling him daddy was coming, and then he didn't).

Thank you for all your advice. Starting this new bit of my life is much easier when I have a few ideas to try out to make this easier. I was worried about how I would manage lateness (waiting around was a feature of our relationship and I'd like to leave it there) so the 30min cutoff is a great idea.

Protecting myself re money and not being dependent on a payment that may or may not come is very helpful. Ive set a budget and have not included money from XP. Although, today he did surprise me on that front. The end of our relationship was marked by him feeling increasingly guilty about not providing/paying his way adequately. Maybe the guilt is finally having an impact on his behaviour now the relationship is over because it sure as hell didn't before.

Sorry for rubbish reply. I'm on my phone and have written and deleted at least three replies today for being rubbish. I appreciate the advice enormously and will be back.

My DS used to have contact 2 hours a fortnight and at 2 often knew it hadn't happened..I had no idea how he knew he had been let down as I never mentioned it..he just knew...

I agree whatever contact is set up that it is missed till the next planned contact...I would also aske him to set up DD...It makes it easier than him getting you to ask for it though glad he has given you something now...

If he is collecting from your house..After 30 mins make sure you go out even if it is to the shop to go and get a pint of milk...

If he isn't paying regulary than CSA is an option...