Will he get Joint Custody despite a three year absence? [edited by MNHQ]

[Turin]

I'm a bit if a wreck at the moment so please bear with me. I left my OH shortly after our son was born. He was domineering and very abusive. Blaming me, belittling me and cut me off from my social life completely. I have no evidence of this and certainly no evidence he was negligent towards our son. We had three years of bliss and now he's applied for joint custody as he's given up full time work to accommodate his commitment to being a father!

The courts have currently allowed him contact with LO for four hours 3x per week. I'm certain this will be extended to overnight but I just wanted to know if anyone had been through anything similar and ultimately if courts grant joint custody to absent fathers.

Thank you

Hi Turin I have had a similar experience but it worked out well in the end. My ex only got every other weekend and 3 hours a week after school. It was a long battle for me but the courts did listen to me and granted me residency. They seen my ex for the manipulative control freak he was :-(

Someone with good advice will probably be along soon. All I can say is do not be intimidated by the court system, stand your ground and do what you think is best fir your children, that's what I did. Good look op

It's not unusual for fathers to aim high in the knowledge that they will have to settle for less. Being awarded alternate weekends and some mid week contact is fairly standard stuff. Shared residency does not refer to actual parenting time but basically means your son would have two parents on an equal legal footing.

I'd suggest that the worst outcome for you, for him, for your son is to finish the court case with a legacy of bitterness. That sort of thing lasts for years, can be very harmful for children.

Hand on heart, do you want your son to have a dad? Do you want him involved with the school and his wider life. Do you want your son to know his paternal family? If so, perhaps now is the time to make compromises and agree a way forward rather than wait for a judge to order you to do stuff.

So he hasn't seen his son for 3 years and now wants joint residence?

If the contact now goes well then over time yes. But it won't happen next week,... The absence won't matter so much as what happens from today onwards. Just insist it goes slowly building up so he proves he really is committed....

Addictedtolatte thank you. So far the judge only appears to be nudging things along and being shut of us. He's making huge leaps with contact which is ic course distressing for me and LO.

Darknight I wish I could have a civilised conversation with this man, but he us a scheming deceitful manipulative liar. So unless it's court order proof he will push and bully me endlessly. I suffered with this in the four miserable years I was married to him, he crushed my self worth which is why it took so long to escape the marraige. I'd love my LO to have a dad but at the moment I need to build up a healthy level of trust with him which is hard when he fails on csa payments bd brings LO back late. All of which the judge considers trivial.

Mscolor- my sentiments exactly. It was the hard work of raising a baby he was shirking- th sleepless nights, teething, weaning and tantrums.

Cestlavie- I hope so. I just cannot bare the thought of LO being away from me for half he week. Seems so wrong and natural to remove a little child forum his mother. It will be so confusing and damaging.

firstly, whether or not a parent pays maintanence has no bearing on the amount of contact they are given. The two things are separate issues in the eyes of the courts, and you will look far more favourable if you come from a position of the best interests of the child as opposed to one of financial interest iyswim.

Secondly, what's happened in the past is irrelevant wrt what happens in the future. what the courts are interested in at this stage is the fact that this child's father wishes to have an equal relationship with the child, and as hard as that sounds, that's not unreasonable in the long-term.

That doesn't mean it has to happen overnight, but with gradual insolid relationship and not abusive in any way really isn't going to be damaging to your ds.

crease in contact, assuming that your ex keeps it up and builds a relationship with his son.

I know it's hard, esp given your previous relationship, bt ultimately this is what is in the best interests of the child, and generally that is for them to have an equal relationship with both parents, something which obviously isn't lways possible for everyone, however spending half his time with his father, providing it is a

You should try to come to an arrangement with your ex which doesn't involve court action though as this is never an easy route to go down.

Wannabe when I attended the court that wasn't the case. They dismissed my ex's proposal of shared custody. What is best for a child is 1 stable home. Shared custody can only happen if both parties agree.

Turin it will all work out in the end. Only you know what's best for your child. Don't be pressurised by the court just do what you feel is right.

I disagree with those who say he deserves an equal relationship with his child - a relationship with his child - yes but not an equal one. I don't think any court in the country would award joint residence but I think he will end up with overnights eventually.

it has nothing to do with what either parent "deserves." Any court decision will be based on what is in the best interests of the child. And every court decision is unique because every situation is unique. just because it works out one way for one person doesn't mean the next case will be the same and vice versa.
it may be that the court decides that a 50/50 arrangement is not in the best interests of the child, however it's highly unlikely that they would decide that your ex shouldn't have overnights probably every other weekend and perhaps even a day during the week as the relationship between them progresses.

The one thing I would say is, at the moment your ds is only three and it's easy for you to resist contact and prevent it. however one day your ds will be old enough to ask why, and when he does, you will need to be able to give him a reasonable explanation. And he will also be old enough to make his own decisions, and if your ex continues to pursue this through the courts and you continue to resist, your ds won't thank you for resisting a relationship between him and his father, regardless of what went on before.

Let's put it another way, he won't ever have an equal relationship with his child - even 50:50 joint residence won't give him that. The first 3 years of a child's life are vital for bonding and he wasn't there to bond with his child. At the moment he is a stranger. The child will always know that it was his mother who did the majority of the parenting in the early years.

What is best for the child is to have a home where he feels safe and secure. The only parent he will currently feel 'at home' with is his mother. He deserves to get to know and build a relationship with his father but that does not mean he should be uprooted and sent to stay with him half the time.

And if this man can walk out on his child once, who's to say he won't do that again. He's going to have to show some commitment. I suspect the 50:50 thing is a controlling thing.

And I personally don't go with this notion of 'equal' parenting. A mother is a mother and a father is a father. They are generally different roles that vary from family to family. If any child is hurt or upset they will often ask for their mum. At other times they may want their dad for more practical things.

Op I wish you the best and really don't think this man will get what he is asking for.

there are two different things tho - equal parenting rights and responsibilitities legally and what it actually means day to day.
in any dual parent family there is on paper equal parenting but of course in any family the roles may be different. one parent maybe absent even tho on paper they not.

a grandmother or aunt may fulfil a role too or a friend.

if a child's mother dies and they live with their father they will go to their father for comfort.