2yr old dd back from narc dad's. She is crying and so am i

[pod3030]

My exp is a classic narc, he didn't even look at dd for her first year because she had nothing to offer him. I had the chance when we first split to go no contact and he would've welcomed it as we were an inconvenience to his superior life. But i pushed for one day a week contact thinking it was in her best interests.
He has discovered that he gets a lot of the attention he craves when he has her- he parades her round like a performing monkey, taking all the credit for my hard work. He's trained her to come to him when he claps and kiss him.
All week with me she is so well behaved and though she has tantrums they are just normal 2yr old ones, and we always have a hug after.

When she gets back from a day with him, she is cold towards me, angry, hits, won't go to bed(she's upstairs now screaming and crying after an hour of me reading to her) and i am downstairs crying feeling like i'm losing her. She'll want him not me because i'm boring cross mummy, and daddy is exciting.
today he took her to the pub and said everyone was admiring her.

I really really regret pushing for contact. I feel the deep bond between my daughter and me is being eroded by him and i don't know what to do.
I'm also scared of my anger on contact days, i am angry with him but it sometimes channels towards her when she's being challenging and i feel sad about that.
i just wish i could turn back the clock and keep it just us.

Pod - Sometimes our perception of our ex's can get distorted, mine certainly has. Is it possible that he is simply an annoying prick rather than the caricature of evil you describe? I know it sounds ridiculous even suggesting that but hey, it takes a big person to critically reflect on things.

If your worried about things like attachment with your daughter your GP could give advise or refer you to family therapist.

I don't think he's evil. Up until recently i felt sorry for his awful childhood that resulted in his personality as a way of coping.

I've given him the benefit of the doubt again and again. He's not evil, i don't feel bitter or angry, the relief of having a life free of him was so wonderful, i actively sought out friendship with him, for the benefit of dd. he came into my house, i was trying to teach him how to put her to bed, do bath time etc. He was pretending the whole time, and he couldn't sustain it. I don't want to go into it all but he totally effed me over in the coldest way possible.

i still am not bitter or revengeful. I am philosophical . But some of the things he has done to me, the mind games, the belittling, the inference that his needs are the most important- i can't let that happen to dd. He's not a prick, he's charming, measured, attractive, can get you to do what he wants through charm.

I get what you're saying. But it is so much more complicated. I don't hate him, or wish him harm. I just think, he's damaged. And that damage was passed to me, and will be passed to dd if i don't keep my wits about me.

Fair enough...Hope you don't mind me taking another stab at this advice thing.

My thinking is that the problem with focusing on your ex as the source of the problems is that it magnifies his importance in your life and makes you more sensitive towards his actions, which will cause you even more stress and upset - by extension causing your daughter harm.

It might be better to focus on your own strengths and build up your own resilience. Being tearful and down is awful. I think part of the building up phase is getting a third party to offer support, again, your GP could help there. Therapy has a mixed label but it can be very empowering.

Thanks dark. :) I appreciate what you're saying. I agree, i'm not to know if the change in behaviour in dd is down to being unsettled due to split/ex p.

I'm not normally tearful and down honestly!

I am an optimist, and dd and i have been having a lovely life now there are no longer lots of rules on ways to behave or speak. I don't give much thought to exp day to day, he doesn't dominate my life anymore.

I totally don't see myself as a victim, in fact i see him as the victim, of his upbringing.

I've been flourishing and blossoming and not really thought too much about the contact until recently.
I met a grown up daughter of a father with the same characteristics, and she said she went through hell, and her advice would be to get away while i can. I really thought i could just detach, and 'manage' him. She argued against.

so the crying etc is all about this decision. That perhaps i've done the wrong thing .
Should i stay. In the short term all is well, in the long term it may affect her life in ways i can't imagine if he becomes more involved in her life.

Or go, and risk her accusing me of keeping her from her dad. I need to protect her not just now, but in the future. I know it all sounds a bit jumbled.
Thankyou for the support, i feel better and not so in 'red alert'.

Bottom line- he has done some awful things to me, and i would never forgive myself if they happened to dd. x