really upset

[muser31]

can anyone help me with how to make my new year feel more positive. its my bday too. ive had a fall out with my ex, because im so knackered all the time and it was about the fact the he has never had her one overnight (shes 2 and just does not sleep well, never has) and im so tired all the time. im so resentful as all i hear is about what he is up to and his social life, and we had a full argument and he said i don't have any understanding (he works and studies = hello life?) so couldn't possibly have dd overnight.
i haven't had a night out in years, family live far away, friends have kids so they can't babysit. he takes her 2 days a week and thinks he deserves a gold medal. yes im grateful because i know there are people who get no help at all, but at the end of the day im resentful because i just need out, i need not to feel that im the one doing all the night stuff and early morning early starts all the bloody time. yes i know i need to just suck it up and get on with it. its just the fact that he just gets on with his life, and nothing has really changed for him. he gets all the fun bits and dd loves it, and he just takes her up to his mums house and its easy. same as when i go to my mums house, its far easier than one on one, and he will never know what its like and he says he does know.

i was supposed to be going away with mum for newyear but she is sick so we couldn't go. today ex has dd and i thought ill join the gym again - i have my bag packed but im sitting here crying and don't want to go out in tears lol, just thinking of another night in on my own, nyseve early because im tired. how can i make things seem better. i am trying to tell myself these feelings will pass. sorry for the rant i really do know there are people far worse off but its just cos i feel so upset at the minute.

Really feel for you Muser, sorry you're having such a crap time.

I was in this situation about a year ago; exdp just wouldn't take any responsibility for ds (who is also two and has also always been an awful sleeper). I struggled through with the help of a Homestart volunteer who visited weekly and took ds out so I could rest, but nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to getting a proper nights sleep. I had to escalate things with my ex to get any sort of breakthrough, I barred him from my house and only agreed to bring ds for contact if it was overnight (I never withheld contact, I just made it clear I would make no effort to facilitate it), I also went to a solicitor who wrote him a letter outlining proposed contact (6 nights a month), which seemed to help a lot. I also got blood tests done and made sure everyone knew how tired I was (HV etc) and the reasons why. I made ex very loudly aware of this, and how it was affecting my parenting. I know we're all tired, but don't think you have to just suck it up; your child has another parent who should be pulling their weight. Don't keep it to yourself!

Could you write to your ex threatening a solicitor, outlining the effect the tiredness is having on you and your dd, and think about mediation if you don't get much joy? I'm gleefully writing my ex an angry email right now because, although he has ds overnight, he is in no other way any kind of parent to him, damn it's making me feel a bit better. I'll have to edit it before I send I think!

I wish I could step-in and take your dd for a night instead of just offering you the above advice, I hope that if you made it to the gym it has helped. It took me until pretty much crisis-point before I got any proper help, I wish now I'd stood-up to my ex a lot sooner.

I sympathise. I am in the same situation as you, with ex refusing to do overnights. It is a form of control. He knows I can't do anything/go anywhere/move on with my life. The solicitor thing is worth a go but didn't work for me. You can't make a man see their children.

thankyou so much for the kind responses. i couldn't face the gym today - but have done a tesco shop and am going to get a bath - i didnt have the motivation! but i am serious about joining so the bag is still packed for next time when things calm down a bit. im sorry some of you are in similar situations. it seems so unfair and its right, its a form of control as we are tied to the house and they know we aren't able to meet anyone else.
he does have his own house now - but when he has dd for the day he takes her up to his mums. his mum wouldn't be able to take dd overnight as she has other responsibilities, but there is no excuse why he can't take her one night at the weekend just because he works and studies.

pleaselets i hope your email helps and im glad you have stood up to your ex and been able to sort things out in the way that is acceptable for you. i have tried emailing mine to sort our issues out and he just literally ignored my emails, plus he refused mediation. but we are supposed to be sorting out marriage counselling, thats if he bothers to go this time and keeps to his word. thats when all this will have to be brought up, and i really really hope the marriage counsellor will see my point of view and make him realise, even though they are meant to be impartial. maybe its an idea to tell the hv im tired, but i don't know that she can do anything....

anyway, im going to pop round to a friends tomorrow and i know it will help to talk to them too about it and not feel so alone in everything.

When My DS was 18 months old we moved to a new town where we knew no one and had no support.. DS's dad saw him for 2 hours a fortnight supervised by his mum...when they couldn't think of an excuse not to go...DS didn't sleep through till he was 4.

I wanted to say it does get easier...I found going to Mother and toddler groups really helped..If only for a bit of adult company... Do you have friends without kids maybe go out for lunch..I had a friend at that age who came over for a sleepover with her daughter every once in a while...I didn't really get much sleep but broke evening up..

My DS is now 6 ..We are going to a friends for new years and will come home just after 12. he went on a sleepover with his friend in December so I went out for a meal with some school mums... Not saying I have a wild social life just to let you know it won't always be like this.

My other piece of advise is less contact with him...I am not surprised you are resentful but you don't need to listen to him..I agree it is a form of control....but not a lot you can do about it...So refuse to entertain his chat about his life..

Sorry you are feeling so exhausted, I have been there and dc wil sleep better eventually (3.5yo here and when not ill, sleeps much better now).

Your ex sounds selfish just like mine. There is no appealing to fairness, you need a break etc. Focus on talking about what is best for dc, which is to have a proper relationship with the other parent. Take away the idea that you are desperate for them to do this FOR YOU. And so that takes away some element of their control.

Have you asked if mediation will see you on your own? My local one does this as they are there to represent what is in the child's best interest, you can check if what you are suggesting is fair and how to propose it, even if he won't go.

Muser, your ex sounds like a completely selfish arse.
Hope things get better, your dd will sleep better one day, hang in there.x