Should i be encouraging contact?

[Noregrets78]

In a bit of a dilemma. Brief back story - DD is 9. split about 9 months ago, until a month ago she stayed with XH 3 nights per week. There were various concerns raised during that time, which I tried to sort with XH.

Then about a month ago DD raised concerns at school, resulting in a report to SS, and DD no longer stays overnight. This is mainly about DD's anxiety levels to do with his anger, and his rubbish sleeping habits.

The last month has been very up and down. For a period XH refused to see or speak to DD as he didn't want to deal with SS. Then for a period DD refused to see or speak to XH as she was scared he'd be angry with her. The original plan for Xmas, for DD to spend it with XH, went out the window, and I agreed with XH that I'd take DD away for Xmas.

All of a sudden before Christmas everyone was in agreement, DD and i both went round, then she saw him a few times unsupervised. DD said that she would actually like to see her Dad at Xmas, but I put my foot down, and said we weren't changing our plans. DD was fine with that, but was under constant pressure from her Dad to 'stick up for herself' - phone him to pick her up if I tried to take her away, tell me every 10 minutes that she wanted to go home, etc etc. He told me he'd call the police if I took her, and that he would follow us (6 hour drive).

DD didn't want to do any of that, but was scared her Dad would be furious with her. So, again, she didn't see or speak to him. In the end we went away, and left a day early so that there was not a confrontation.

In the mean time DD told me some of the other things he'd said. He's constantly slating my family, and our friends, meaning that DD doesn't dare mention numerous people. He involves her in all sorts of adult information - she's aware of all the figures of our current financial negotiations. He tells her to keep all sorts of secrets from me, which makes her really stressed. He tells her I have a boyfriend (which I don't), and now she's worried that she has a step family moving in.

Finally, today, everyone was again in agreement, and I took DD round to open her Christmas presents from him, a peaceful visit.

So.... I know now what will happen. XH will be pushing for 'everything to get back to normal'. DD will also be wanting to see more of her Dad At the moment I'd like it to be supervised, but we have no 'neutral' friends who would be suitable, and no family nearby. So it falls to me to do the supervising, when it's the last thing I feel like doing. I'm putting my foot down about the overnights - it's just not happening, and I have SS backing.

But what to do about the daytime contact? Me constantly taking her round there and sitting trying to let them have the contact and me not get involved is not a long term solution. XH also won't put up with it for long.

I want DD to have a relationship with her Dad, but TBH I do wonder whether it's genuinely better for her, as she comes away from visits angry and closed off, and confused. I can't do much reassuring as her Dad's a nutter. But my job is supposed to be to reassure her.

How do I encourage appropriate contact? Do I even want to?!

Apologies has ended up as a long ramble, but didn't want to drip feed! Although there is so much more I could add.

Are social work still involved ? Have they given recommendations for the future? If they recommended stopping overnights, did they suggest any contact now, or is ex supposed to be doing anger management work or similar?

It sounds like your daughter is in a stressful situation, do you see her releasing the stress or holding onto it ? Can school help?

Would it help her if you took the decision out of her hands, e.g. saying SW or the courts will decide, but no contact until then?

It sounds like your DD could do with talking to someone independent...As she will be not only worried about protecting you but also she has been told by her Dad not to tell you....

I tell my 6 year old..There is nothing that needs to be kept secret from Mummy unless it is a surprise present....

I have to say I am not sure I would be encouraging contact....A contact centre would not be much help really as he is using words to control her by the sounds of it and they don't listen in on conversations there

Thanks both. shoom no SS aren't involved - it was 'advice only'. They were great on the phone, but then in the letter it just says recommend no overnights, and try day contact. They don't really say anything about the future, no recommendations for him. Very brief. Ex doesn't really even acknowledge any issue, just thinks there's a conspiracy of women against him.

Not sure if DD is holding onto the stress or not. She does sob and let it all out. After a bit of a battle she has now seen the school nurse, and I'm hoping that will be a regular thing.

I wish i could hand it over to SS to decide, but from chatting to them, they've said they're not responsible for making decisions like that - I'm the parent and it's up to me. I think they only step in where they need to - i.e. if I wasn't doing my job.

I could equally leave it up to the courts - but presumably that would be his responsibility to apply for a contact order? I like to think we can sort it ourselves without court involvement.

starlight Yes I've worked out someone independent is really important - the school nurse seems to be the key person, and they also have access to refer on if necessary. The good news is that she seems to say the same to them as she says to me, which means she feels able to be honest with me.

The other issue with a contact centre is that the nearest is 40 miles away - we're a bit 'middle of nowhere'. I'm wondering if SS offer some kind of supervision? I might try to find out, although I suspect if I offered that, XH would hit the roof. But at least I would have tried.

The other thing I forgot - he gives her a lot of 'I love you so much' (fine), I miss you so much (OK but makes her feel guilty), I need you here more often... when you're not here I don't go out / don't eat / don't bother turning on the Xmas lights. I'm very very sad and I need you here to make me feel better. Awful for DD.

I constantly hear 'you don't have to hand her over for contact if you're not comfortable'. From SS, and other people. And yet it's so hard to know if I'm being over protective, or unreasonable.

Gosh he really does sound like a completely emotionally abusive nutter. Your dd should not be having this on her plate, she's too young to have to deal with this. Maybe you do need to take the decision out of her hands and stop contact if it really is that bad, even if only temporarily. What do you think would happen if you did?

Stopping contact is extreme, but I wouldn't think you unreasonable to do so right now.

please It's tempting. At the moment DD really wants to see her Dad, and I don't want to be the one who prevents her. I think that would damage our relationship, and turn her Dad into some kind of rosy hero figure.

I've been there again today, supervising contact. DD remains happier if I'm there too. XH will object soon. I think I need to concentrate on getting the message across of what he's doing to upset her. I'm going to try to write it all in an email. I doubt he'll get it - he doesn't think he does anything wrong. But at least I will have tried.