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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Sons mum engaged, it's just hit me.

24 replies

Phatal42 · 29/12/2013 23:06

Hey there. Well, on Christmas day, my nephew saw via Lamebook, that my 5 year olds mum had got engaged. I had seen her that morning and she had said nothing. It didn't come as a major surpirse, he recently moved in after 18 months together, which didn't phase my either. A happy mum means a happy son and so far so good. On Friday though, i was out on a blind date (waste of time, bleh) and we talked about the situation and my date mentioned the word stepfather, which hadn't crossed my mind until then. Since then i've been tossing this thought around in my head and tonight, i sat in front of the computer and googled the topic, and just started crying. I'm quite open minded, mentally strong and pragmatic but it just hit me like a brick wall and i'm not afraid to say so. We have ben seperated for 5 years and this is just about my relationship with son. From past experience i know my ex likes to play happy families, regardless of my feelings and part of me can see situations arising where this will happen again and i will have to step up and put my foot down. Anyway, i'm not sure what i want from this post but some kindly advice from anyone whose been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated :)

OP posts:

Bluecarrot · 29/12/2013 23:11

Not quite in the same position- I'm the mum and having a baby with new DP any day now. I've been separated from DDs dad for almost 12 years but it still freaks me out when ex gets v close to someone. Unfortunately its something you need to work on acceptance of and you will need to be positive about new partner in front of your son etc. It's not necessarily going to be easy, but your son is worth every ounce of effort you put in- big changes coming up for him!

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 29/12/2013 23:32

As long as you have a strong, consistent, loving relationship with your DS then your role in his life won't alter. Having more people love and care for your DS is no bad thing, and even if your DS is or becomes close to your ex's DP, it doesn't alter the fact that you are his dad and that won't change.

My ex's fiancé gets on well with my DD, seems to care for her and DD enjoys her company. But I will always be her mum, and DD knows that too. Our bond won't be diminished by her gaining a step mum, she'll just have someone else who also cares about her and who looks out for her. There's no such thing as having too many people care for you IMO.

Just have some faith in your relationship with your DS, and understand he'll always know you are his dad no matter how good a relationship he has with his soon to be step dad.

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 02:29

Thanks for the replies. Not sure i posted in the right place but advice is advice so thankyou. My relationship with him is very tight. I've been having him on his own with me since he was 6 weeks old and have never introduced him to any girlfriends yet. I've already lived through the DSS Dave situation (unemployed insecure bum she moved in) i try to keep things constant and i guess it's hard to make adjustments when you're the parent who doesn't have the child full time.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 02:39

So sorry you're sad. You'll always be his dad. His real dad :)

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 03:05

Thankyou Monty. Nearly set me off again. Need to go drink some beer or beat up a little bloke ;) I jest of course, I felt better getting it off my chest. Just a minor blip in being dad :)

OP posts:

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 03:10

I've not been in the situation but don't worry, you'll always be his dad and no-one will EVER replace you. You sound like a lovely fella, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's good to get it off your chest as well so post away.

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 03:14

Well, your post nearly set me off, I was separated (and later divorced) when dc's were only 4 and 1. They still love their dad and always will. They're 20 and 18 now). Worry not. :)

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 03:16

I think you've got to let her go. That way you can find your own peace. You will find someone else, perhaps she will have children too, or you will have more. And remember, he's a boy, it may be that he will want to see more of you when he is older and that will be largely his choice.

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 03:21

Well said Horse

Phatel, no doubt you'll meet someone too at some point. Just love ds as he deserves and always be a good dad, which I don't doubt you will. Be happy for your ex, run along with it. Everyone deserves happiness.

Hope you're ok.

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 03:29

Just to clarify, it's not about my ex. It was my decision to leave and no regrets on that score. If shes happy then my son is happy and that is good. My concern is for my relationship with my son which won't change, hopefully. Being dad isn't just about dna and genes I know. I've been there from the start and I take that role so seriously that the term stepdad makes me feel uncomfortable. But still, its just a term. Im fine, blimey, I should feel sorry for the poor bugger taking her on! Oops, I didnt6 just write that did I? ;)

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 03:36

Yes I get that Phatal. All will be fine don't worry, just carry on as you are being a great dad :)

You do indeed sound very committed. Keep it that way and all will come good. Your little ds will love you forever. :)

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 03:42

Cheers Monty. Without sounding a bit thick, what's ds stand for? :)

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 03:46

Oh it's 'darling son' we use ds, df, dm on here, a bit knackered, is it anachronisms? For simplicity, which they are once you know them.

Do you have good contact arrangements? That matters. Always stick to them and be his stability. He's blessed.

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 03:58

Got you, thanks. Yup, that side of things is perfect. In fact everything is perfect, minus my shiftwork but a pending transfer will make it even better. In fact, its so good thats why it felt the way it did. My ex has a tendency to forget about me in making arrangements thst impede on my time or send a fathers day card to the other guy to make him feel good yet not think how I might take that. Still, I should be used to it but it rankles nonetheless.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 04:04

Well, your son's mum's fiance might not want that either! He may well respect your position. he may, you didn't say, have children of his own and be empathetic. It's early days, play it cool and don't panic. He might even be a good guy!

(I won't use the anachronisms right now as you seem new).

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 04:14

No, no children of his own and as long as my son is happy and content, and his mum too then all is good. I think it boils down to the word stepdad. I'm sure I'm not the last person who will have to deal with tne stepmother/stepfather word. It took me by surprise to be honest. But it's just a word. I'll do what I've always done and be a great dad :)

OP posts:

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 04:18

It is indeed, just a word. :)

Monty27 · 30/12/2013 04:19

And it was loosely used. Stop fretting. NN (night night) :)

RitaFajita · 30/12/2013 08:00

Try to forget about the word if you can. I can't think of my ex's long term live in partner as being the step mum, I think of her as my ex's partner. My DD just calls her by her name.
I know she's good with my daughter and that's all that matters but I get where you're coming from.

RitaFajita · 30/12/2013 08:01

Shallol · 30/12/2013 08:08

Step parents can never replace you, especially since you clearly play an active role in your sons life. Step parents are like bonus parents, godparents or aunts and uncles - an extra person to support and guide your son. It takes a while to get used to but often they are a good thing. I don't think you'd need to put your foot down. "Playing happy families" can be a good thing - your DS will have a happy family environment with your ex and a happy family environment with you too.

purpleroses · 30/12/2013 08:55

I've recently got engaged and my fiance and I both have kids (and our exes both have new partners) If your ex's boyfriend is already living with him then he's probably already as involved in your son's life as he will be. Being engaged or married doesn't really alter anything except giving your son the security that he'll stay around, which is nice for him.

Original poster

Phatal42 · 30/12/2013 20:17

Again, thanks for the replies. Feeling much better today, i think sitting at home last night and not really having anyone in my life whose been in this position to talk too, i luckily found somewhere to get it off my chest and appreciate the comments :)

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 30/12/2013 20:21

My DH has 2 sons with his XW, believe me you will always be his dad. Step-parents can be a very positive influence (I hope I am) but they will never take the place of the parents.

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