Ds is away with exH, his family and new girlfriend..

[Maoamstripes]

...and i cant help feel angry, resentful. In the meantime i am at work, I dont have a "unit" of a family and I am suffering a bit of depression, crying, angry, a range of emotions, as I have just ended a relationship beginning of November..
I feel like new gf has taken my place (even though i have had a new relationship), i haven't met her and they have been together over a year. I miss ds terribly.
I have always maintained dignity, but i feel i am losing it, especially with my own mother who outright says i should mess my eXH around re contact.. (my mother left my father and left me with my dad!)
I am not a youngster, late 30s and exH gf is 50...
Have i done the right thing letting ds go away with them, is it for the best for him? Its killing me, but ultimately i want the best for my son. I trust he is safe etc.. words of encouragement? or whatever i need? a good pulling together?

All I can say after a few years of this is that it doesn't necessarily get better but your reaction to it changes so that it doesn't impactyou. I won't lie and say you'll suddenly feel great about it, but its like a grieving process, one day it won't hurt so much. You'll always miss ds when he isn't around, but you're putting his best interests before how you feel, which makes you a fab mum. Look forward to when he comes back and all the fab things he'll want to tell you about and the hugs you can catch up on x

When my ex was in a serious relationship I was happy that it meant there was another adult who they could foster a warm and loving relationship with. The more people they were close to the better, that's the way I saw it. She was very different to me and that was a plus because again it gave my children an opportunity to meet new people and be exposed to new ideas. Just be secure in the relationship you have with your child and see it as spring board for your child to explore their own identity. Your feelings about your ex are entirely separate, that's the bottom line, difficult I know but ultimately the best attitude for all involved.

You will always be your sons Mother...no need to feel threatened...feel thankful she likes him...all too often it's the other way around...

thanks so much for your input and support. i have spoken to ds tonight and unprompted he told me how much he loves me. It hurts (for me) but i guess he is having a nice time. I hate the b**rd (exH) for the way he treated me, but that's why I divorced HIM. yes i guess i do have to be thankful that the OW likes him, as exH says "she is good with him".. The resentment i feel is the lack of acknowledgement from exH and how "fair" i feel i am being, as having spoken to a lot of other mothers who have outright said they would not be so accommodating as me.. does that make me a fool? I dont know
headinhands, you sound like you have a lot of self esteem, Im not sure that I can quite get to your level of thinking completely, maybe in time, perhaps it is the lack of acknowledgment from ex and his family. It good you can feel that way though :-)
Perhaps as my son gets older, he too will recognise this.

Maoam, I understand how hard it is to do what you feel is right when some others tell you not to. If you said no to contact now when do you start saying yes? It's right to be the adult, it's right to model how adults should behave to your ds by supporting him in his relationships, it's right to know that he isn't your property and you don't own him, difficult but right and that's why you are doing it.

You must feel awful, but you are definitely doing the right thing for your DS.
No matter how much he gets on with his DF GF, she will never take your place.

My dd has come back from spending xmas with exh, his family and gf of 2 yrs (he left 18mths ago). For reasons best known to themselves they all pretend that she isn't his gf and isn't present for holidays etc. However dd lets the cat out of the bag regularly and I gather their fb posts make no secret of it either.

I'm happily single now but trying to get over the hurt of dd being part of a family unit that I had hoped would have consisted of me, dd and exh. I hate having that safe and happy nuclear family taken away from me and dd. She desperately wants her family back together.

I don't feel any particular ill will to the gf - she has lasted longer than many of his gfs but I doubt he is any more faithful to her than he was to me. She has a young child who lives abroad (her choice) but who she sees during some school holidays.

Like you OP I get criticised for allowing contact but I don't want my daughter hating me when she's older for stopping her from having a relationship with her father.

I can understand why you find it difficult, it must be very hard.

"Have i done the right thing letting ds go away with them"
I think an important mindset shift you need to take is that it's not necessarily down to you to "let". Both you and your ex are equal parents and he has a right to bring his child on holiday. It's great that you didn't try to stop this despite feeling bad about it.

And I think you need to stop calling her his "new girlfriend" now. A year makes her not "new" imo

I've had all that rubbish from other "helpful" mothers. But you are doing the right thing for your son. Who on earth benefits from that horrible "you shouldn't let him have him!!" Attitude.. We don't own our children, we simply have a responsibility to care for and nurture them until they fly the nest and that is what you are doing by being carefree and supportive of his relationship with his father and this (not so "new") girlfriend.