ex constantly feeds children junk food

[claudiaA]

Hi ,
This is my first post and I guess I know I have no leg to stand on as my ex husband can do what he likes with our children ... but ... I need to Rant !
Ok quick background - ex and I split up 3 years ago . In those 3 years he moved away and barely saw the children , phoned maybe 10 times in that period . He has moved locally now and the children see him at least once a week , maybe 2 days in a row at most . Since he has been here (3 months) they have been fed either takeaways and macdonalds . Basically fat and salt . I have raised them on a generally healthy diet with the odd treat as this is very important for their health . Before we split he was often away for long periods due to his job so I have raised them more or less my self . I'm finding this stressful and upsetting as I dont wanting them eating this stuff so often .... there are other issues such as him keeping them up late and letting them play the ds / tablet / playstation all day . But I know I cant do anything about this . He knows I dont want this for them . I cant speak to him about it ad he gets very defensive and would get the children to lie .

Everytime my partner and I get the kids back the are exhaused and off their food plus sometimes have upset tummies . This is at least once a week so is just too often for a child to feel . They are 6 and 10 btw.
I wAnt them to see him and they want o see him so that isnt the issue . Just want him to give them simple normal food , even just half the time Sorry , long garbled rant I guess !

Yeah not much you can do really. Just carry on with the good stuff at home

That would annoy me too, if it's every week then it's going to effect their health. If he won't cook for them then maybe suggest you send food for them you've made that he can just bung in fridge and reheat in microwave (eg soup, stew, pasta etc..) that way it doesn't involve him having to cook it as such if he's lazy or unable! You shouldn't have to do this though he should be feeding his kids properly or even suggest easy dishes for him to cook.

Silly question perhaps but does he know how to cook? This might explain the awful diet he's giving them. If not, there are plenty of things he can do to learn, perhaps the local college has a course or he can do a one day class.

Well the funny thing is , when he mived over here I sat down with him and reitterated the healthy diet / odd treat thing and he wasin aggreement saying he didnt want to eat junk himself either . He just never buys food in for when he has them so resorts to takeaways etc . He can cook - he's no masterchef or anything but not totally unable .
I've even said a peanut butter sandwich and yogurt would be fine if thats all he can manage !

Unfortunately this is just a difference in parenting styles and the best you can do is ensure the children eat healthily, are educated about food and taught to weigh up the pros and cons when they are with you so that they can make their own healthy decisions when they grow older rather than relying on what they are told/given.

In the meantime you may feel you are up against it but there is every possibility that by the time the children reach their early twenties you will be surprised how much their decisions are influenced by this approach.

Unfortunatley I dont think he has a parenting style . It would be different if it were baked beans on toast or more sweets than I'd prefer - that wouldn't be my choice for them but it still would fall in the realms of being legitimate . I'm not ever expecting him to meet my standard as much as I don't expect to meet the standard of mums who are at the extreme end of healthy diet . I just don't want my childrens bodies being filled with high levels of salt , saturated fat and processed meat on a twice weekly basis . It's very frustrating as until recently he took little to do with them . My son thinks it's great and tries to wind me up about it where as my daughter gets upset about not being fed properly . My reaction is I can't stop him but at home my partner and I do our best . Also I will provide the odd packed lunch and feed them before they go or get them back for tea , thus avoiding mealtimes . He might be thankful as he always announces he has no food in when I drop them off !

I had the same problem with my Ex-H.

When we went through mediation, it was pointed out to me that I couldn't force my parenting style or views on my Ex-H, as much as he couldn't do the same to me. I hated the fact that once a fortnight, for a full weekend, my DS would eat a pile of crap. However, it's not every day and I make sure he eats healthy at home.

I had to accept that this was the way it was and there are more serious things to worry about. It's not abuse or neglect, so I just have to accept it.

Two days of takeaways per week is something serious to worry about - thats not even good for an adult . I give my children a balanced diet for a very good reason .
I understand what the mediator is saying but this is nothing to do with opposing views - its about childrens rights to a healthy upbringing . Their welfare and wellbeing .

If they are coming back ill then it doesn't matter if it's only once or twice a week because it's obviously having an effect on them.

Could you batch cool some meals? Send them with a lasagne or shepherds pie or a pasta bake that will do them the two days and all he has to do is open a can of sweet corn?

The mediator is there to avoid court. If you went to court and started going on about diet (in this situation), the judge would not entertain it. My DFiances DC are brought up by a vegetarian mother. She can't even have that put in the court order that we feed them the same!

I completely feel your pain with this. My sons father does the exact same, processed food, synthetic sugar. His gf who is a completely other story and not a good one (pyshes her opinion onto me about how I should raise my child by looking out for his fathers interests first..oh she has also been abusive and aggressive towards me, god know what he has said...she's a mug) anyway she fed my son chocolate ice cream with blue bubblegum sauce and other things (before dropping him back off) and told him that the 100% fruit treats I feed him are bad and full of sugar! Mind after feeding him cakes, chocolate, ice cream, flueroscent sauce and McDonald's...the natural treats with fructose are bad. Honestly how do you combat against that.

When my son returns he is wired, ill and unfocussed. It effects his Monday at school as well.

I am actually thinking of moving to a vegan diet so this should be fun!

Another one feeling your pain. My DD's dad was getting her Happy Meals with Diet Coke at age 2!!! Only for convenience though don't get me wrong, he's not a traditional weekend dad in the spoiling her sense and she learned from an early age not to bother asking for treats.
I have to avoid saying anything whatsoever to him as he needs to "win" everything for instance he refused to put her in the back of the car for motorway travel until I agreed to drop CSA and let him pay what he liked. Kept her in front seat - but I did ask re the Coke and what did he sneer at me? "It's DIET." God help her 😩
Nowadays he finally has her over night one night per fortnight (had to fight to get that much of his precious time) and he WITHOUT FAIL, ok 98% then, gives her B&M 34p-ish tinned hot dogs for tea every time. Every time. I have had to help her go to the toilet on several occasions on her (hungry) return so she clearly doesn't get much to drink either 😩

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor

I don't get it. On the one hand your ex sound utterly awful (bribing you to drop a case otherwise he won't put ypur child on the back of the car!), but on the other you fightong him to have MORE time with your child and pleases that he's now finally having one night a fortnight. I don't get. Why push for access seeing as he sounds truly terrible?

He doesn't want to spend time with her but wants to look like he is a great dad. If he had his way he'd have her every Xmas, Easter, Father's and Mother's Day and birthday plus any family occasions and then no other contact but just have me send him pics in between so he could upload to Facebook as if they're his own.
I wanted best for DD - so regular visits or nothing at all. He'd threatened many times to never see her again knowing it would upset me but when I finally saw clearly and said worth considering he immediately changed tack "you'll never stop me seeing her". All about trying to control us still.

My ex is the same. Up late even on school nights and on one absolutely stunning Sunday, he fed my 7 year old 6 packets of crisps and 4 chocolate bars. But it was apparently ok because they were cycling . All I can do is make sure they get plenty of healthy food and gradually teach my oldest to cook simple, healthy stuff herself.

I had this with XH, one weekend when DS1 was 5 he had a McDonald's on the Friday night (adult meal with coke), a KFC for lunch and a 12 inch pizza on the way home for tea along with as much fizzy juice as he wanted. I found that the more I kicked back against it, the further XH pushed it because he was making a point. Thankfully now his new wife is on board and it doesn't happen any more, but I fully understand your frustration OP.

Completely understand where you're coming from here. I'm in the same position. At the weekend it is processed food or fast food. It's so annoying, then when DS comes home he cries for biscuits and sweet things. The sugar high keeps him awake and disrupts the weekend.

Like others have said, it's frustrating but all you can do really is to back it up with the healthy meals and snacks that you're already providing. That way you know you're doing your best to counteract it. It's shit though isn't it.

It's his right to feed them as he chooses.

You chose this man to be the father of your children.

You need to back off.

Oh, just realised that this was a zombie thread.

Call him next time and ask him if it is more convenient for him if you drop them off with a shepards pie or similar that they can eat together? It does sound like a convenience thing for him so you could try to help with home made cooking. That way you have one day sorted.

Cailleach666 rights come with responsibilities as well. That's often forgotten whenever NRP are asserting their rights, its parental rights AND responsibilities, but the second part is conveniently forgotten.

Notreallyarsed yes, and that father carries out the responsibility of feeding his children.
His choices may not be to the OPs liking, but that's tough.

I'm in the same position. My ex is lazy. He likes eating junk so, most of the time, he feeds our children junk when he has them. I don't see how feeding children sugary/fatty foods is being responsible at all. It's mind boggling that they are not being looked after properly and there's nothing I can do.

The more I read, the angrier I get.

Just appalling that these men have their children for limited time and can't be arsed to look after them properly.

Thankfully my ex tries bloody hard. I sent him a list of meals the children enjoy that he can very easily make or buy from Waitrose. I did him an online shopping order early on, and he refers to that (chicken kievs, grilled salmon in tortillas, loads of veg and fruit etc).

He tried but there's no escaping fact that they do eat more junk than with me. I just counter it but when they're back with me, I will ensue for a couple of days their diet is as pure as the driven snow. Thankfully they love all types of food, so as yet they haven't clocked what's going on.

Have you thought about spoon feeding your ex on this. As difficult a pill as that might be to swallow. So, next time you drop off/ he pick up, you could hand over a small bag of shopping with some microwaveable veg in it, so he doesn't even need to get a saucepan out, and a couple of healthy very easy meals.

Yes it will cost you. Yes it's pathetic that he needs this BUT the bigger picture is that potentially you're children will have one or two healthier meals, rather than a treadmill of shite.

This really upsets me, I am an NRP, and I have seen my child put on so much weight since I separated from my ex , less than a year ago, when I have my child we eat healthy 95% of the time, with home cooked meals, fresh fruit, fresh veg, home made pizzas and the rest, we also go swimming, fun walks and cycling and I'm trying to teach about hearty choices, and the different colours ( green, amber, red) on food packaging. even when we were a family ,I done the majority of the cooking, her excusec was "My Mum didn't teach Me" . Now she's been fed MacDees, KFC, Dominoes and processed crap for nearly 8 to 9 days untill its my time. I wish i was the resident parent, its so sad and heart breaking to see