How do I help ds?

[inthename]

Back story - divorced 9 yrs, ds has regular contact, including blocks of time in holidays. Ds now 13 and seems to be clashing with his step mum at the moment, his dad and I still only communicate via email as otherwise ex screams abuse.

Anyway, ds went over to his dads yesterday for a block amount of days. I don't usually hear from him except the odd text telling me what hes doing.

Yesterday I had 45 texts throughout the day and night, basically saying he was upstairs in his room crying, missing me and later couldn't sleep as step mum had taken his light bulb out and his lamp out (hes not keen on absolute dark) and told him to keep his door closed because of a visiting puppy.

I'm at a bit of a loss what to do. All access is by contact order so he can't turn round to his dad and say he wants to change things or vary things (said in text wanted to come home as heard her say she didn't want him there)

Sorry for length - if I contact ex what do I say, or do I leave it and try and communicate with ex once ds comes back next week?

Yup. The needs of the child are paramount.
Apparently.
Fetch him then have a frank discussion about how your child should be treated during visits as it seems your exh isn't protecting him properly.

I would go and get him, wouldn't even think about it

Tell your ex you won't be sending him over until he's dealt with his wife's nasty behaviour

Thank you to everybody. Its not possible to go and get ds as they went to one of exes relatives this morning which is at the other end of the country and I don't drive. I've spoken to ds and he is happier, this relative believes in night lights and the problem seems to be night time and SM tied up together. It looks like he may be coming home earlier than Thursday. Thanks again for listening.

It will be harder for SM to be mean to him when another adult is around. I would not let him go again but if you do, could you pack him a camping night lantern so he can have his own light source. I would definitely send an email to the ex (whether he reads it or not) stating that your son has rights to have light due a fear of darkness. That way if their bad behaviour continues towards your son, at least you have proof that you informed the ex of your sons fears.

I think that taking your son back home would be relatively easy, the problem is what happens next? Your son might want to spend time with his dad and be less inclined to share his feelings with you in the future in case it leads to more drama. The dad and his ptr are likely to become is even less willing to have a discussion with you. In the long term things could get much worse.

Dark, believe me when I say that I'm well aware of how bad things can get after 9 years of supporting ds to have a relationship with his dad, who happens to put his needs before ds all the time.

I'm not going to be bringing ds home or causing any drama, I was trying to calm a very distressed young man down with little more than texts and platitudes at my disposal.

I emailed ex and suggested he buy ds a camping lattern or torch until we could come up with a better solution, sadly he couldn't even do that.

Hope you don't mind me asking, are you a dad rather than a mum? Hopefully your own situation allows you plenty of contact with any DC you have.

Thanks again to everybody, ds and I will be going shopping for a lamp when he comes home, then we don't need to go through this again hopefully.