Feel lost!

[Canary77]

I'm new to mumsnet.

A bit about my situation.

I'm 36, married with 2 children, (ages: Dd 10 and Ds 4)
When Dd was 3 I got a young girl knocking on my door saying that my then boyfriend had got her pregnant and had a little girl. Now I'm from very strict Hindu back ground and went through so much heartache to be with him. He had cheated, lied and was really nasty to me. I had no one in my life for support as family and friends disowned me for being with him. Anyway after about a year we got back together and had my son in 2009 marrying in 2010. Now he's in the other child's life and sees her on Saturdays and helps financially. After getting married he wanted our children to meet. My daughter found it hard but now accepts and loves her. My son is fine. He left to live away from us about a year ago and has left me to bring up the children on my own. He sees them about every fortnight. He still expects to see me when he see all three of them. Just to mention after the children met I let her come to my house for visits. Now after he's left me he still wants me to see him and her while he says we are still married and does not understand why I'm so upset. I've since moved and all access is at his mothers house. Feel so ashamed and humiliated as everyone is laughing at me. I only see him with her. So no relationship really just me being a mug and looking after them while he gets to play. So confused. Self esteem on the floor.

He's got all 3 of them for Christmas. Can't go as he's whole family will be there and feel like everyone is laughing at me. Or judging me saying that I knew about her when we got married. I supported him but did not expect to have her in my life like this. I want a divorce but am so scared of the fallout.

If you don't want to be with him, don't (he sounds awful). There will always be someone who judges everyone's life, don't let that hold you back from doing what you want.

Do you think you could reconcile with some friends/family if they knew you had got rid of him? They may just be waiting to hear? If not, you can make new friends, it can be done.

It is such hard work parenting on your own. Anyone with any common sense should respect you for looking after your children so well and opening up your home to their half sister.

You don't have to do what he wants, you have a right to make your own decisions and make yourself happy. Lots of us feel stupid for falling for the lies, picking a rubbish dad for our children but you ca't do anything about the past.

You may feel taken for a fool, but no one will be laughing at you, whatever their feelings are, it won’t be amusement.

I understand about your self esteem, mine took a heck of a battering, (I was made to marry him, then left with his 'secret' children as well as my own) but you know your self esteem shouldn't be on the floor, wear it with pride, and if need be 'fake it till you make it'.

You are the decent one here, the one that accepted the other little girl and treated her decently, the one that does the hard work of bringing the children up, and you should be proud of yourself, you are clearly a good person, and in time it will be you your children are proud of.

What he wants is his problem; he can't have it both ways, right? They are your children, he's made himself a very part time dad indeed, and yes they often like to be seen as occasional fun parent while Mum does the hard work, but your children will see through it as they grow up.

If this was your daughter’s problems what would you advise her? It's what I ask myself when I need to know how to treat myself.

I don't know if some of the humiliation is to do with cultural expectations, breaking them, and then it not working out. (I'm from a culture with strong rules that made for a hard life) If it is, then it may be time to grow past cultural expectations and take what's good from your culture and leave behind what damages. Set your children the best example for the world they will enter, that you can, and divorce him, and take ownership and control of your life and future.

Ok..Few things..I doubt anyone is laughing at you.....More a bit embarresed how their relative has behaved.

Do you have a surestart centre near you..some of them do self esteem courses..

Is youngest at school or nursey...If your not working get yourself on a course, volunteer somewhere to let you know what you do can be valued

He is continuing to treat you badly, you need to find ways to increase your self esteem, confidence that is the best revenge and will help you move on

Thank you all for replying.

I know what I should do. If it was my daughter or a friend I would tell her to run.

He says he still loves me. He is sitting there right now telling all his relatives that I didn't spend today with them because I hate his daughter. When in fact I've expressed on numerous occasions that I don't feel comfortable being there while she was! He just pushes my feelings aside I just wanted to have MY family together today. Although he said that he will take her home yesterday. I didn't believe him because he would have made sure that I stayed with her there. As there is no way of me getting home today. I'm not Christian but have celebrated Christmas with him and his family since I was 17. I am know 36. Feel like I've been robbed. As well as being made to look like an idiot again.

Sorry just re-read my post. Please excuse my spelling and grammar am typing through tears.

so you didn't go because you didn't want to spend christmas with your children's half sister? what is it about her that makes you feel uncomfortable?

i can totally see why you wouldn't want to spend christmas day with your ex and his family but it sounds like you wanted to and would have if his other daughter wasn't there?

I don't think you can do these pretend happy family things. This is a broken family as he left. I think you should divorce and that is not that unusual amongst English hindus that I know. It will help if you are not dependent on him for money so a first start might be to improve your career.NO reason he should call the shots and if you want to make it clear to his family you were not there with him it's because the idiot left you and and he has heaped these problems on himself.

I don't rely on him for money.
If I'm truly honest I know there's no future and he's bad mouthing me. Saying that If I hated his daughter so much why did I marry him. He uses the fact that my family don't like him as an excuse for everything. Him cheating everything is because my family won't accept him.
I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I do and it's destroying me.

Anyway have just told him that I want a divorce and just hope I'm strong enough to go through with it.

My children are my strength, they are so amazing and are both so happy. They think that daddy's working away that's why he's not living with us. Time to stop pretending everything is ok.

Thanks again for your messages. Just reading back on the posts have made me realise what an idiot I have been.

Culture has a lot to answer for! Trying to keep her a secret from those around me. I married him because I tried to fix things which were un fixable and out of my control. Have put up with so much in the fear of being on my own, when I already am. I'm a joke and frankly let him treat me this way.

This little girl isn't the problem, and it's sad that she's become the focus of the real problem which is that he's left you and you're keeping up a pretence that he hasn't.

You aren't a joke, you're like so many caught between the rules of your background and the realities of the world you live in.
You know what advice you'd give your friend or your daughter, and you wouldn't tell them they were a joke would you, you'd want to help them and look after them, so stop beating yourself up over it and look after yourself like you would them.

It's amazing how many men have to cheat because of xyz. Anyone would think they had no choice in their behaviour and where just puppets of fate.

Try to stop caring so much about what others think, or what you think they think, stop living a lie, it's not good for you or your children and will only make you more resentful and more tied down to protecting his behaviour. Start caring about your future as well as your children's. I know it's hard to see when you have a young one, but you won't always be raising children, it flies by, and you need to take care of who you are and your future.

I am so confused. I read it as you look after his daughter while he is with the girl's mother.

If you didn't go to Christmas at his family's house because his child would be their then that isn't really fair is it? You are stopping your children have their mum for the day.

You need to grow up a bit, accept you made bad choices for the right reasons and start to put things right now. If you don't change what you do you won't change what you get.

Good luck.

I am sure no-one is amused by the situation or thinks badly of you. He sounds a right shit to be honest, time to cut your losses and move on. You deserve better.

It is admirable that you accepted the daughter and had another go at making things work although I understand being around her is painful. Remember, none of the children are to blame and all deserve to know their siblings.

Now may be the time to rebuild bridges with your family, you really have nothing to lose by trying. New Year, new start.

Actually I think that I have acted quite well considering. She has her father sister and brother as well as her parental family in her life because of me. He was ashamed and she was a secret. The only reason her mum told me about her is because she wanted me to stop him seeing our daughter. Very mature. I thought why should they both miss out on having a mum and dad together. (See culture again) So I have made her part of the family.

Am only finding it difficult now because in all of the pretence I see the hurt. Now when I see her I see and feel pain. Bad memories. For the record I have never been rude or horrible to her in anyway. I phoned them all and wished her a merry christmas. She wasn't going to stay for Christmas she only did because I didn't and my children wanted her there. I'm not stupid me and her and the victims in this.

Keep hoping he'll noticed what I've given up for him. Keep hoping he'll finally treat me with respect. Well the more rubbish I stand for the more he gives me.
Suppose playing the martyr doesn't work.

When ur confidence is on the floor suppose you don't really put your self first.

Always blamed myself for everything.
My relationship is bad but can't let my family know that. So I just got on with it.
Pride is an ugly thing.
Gotta get slimmer coz it's my fault he cheated, gotta have the a nice home, lovely children, lovely meals, oh nothing was never good enough for him.

Joke is he was never good enough for me.

Am feeling positive about the new year and should see it as a blessing that he's not with me.

Can't be superwoman, can't be the perfect wife, when he's not EVEN PRETENDING to be a husband.
That's the problem I think I have with the child. I play happy families when he gets away with everything. The resentment is horrible.

I deserve so much more.

so you've taken this little girl in as part of your family and now you are ostracising her? can you see how horribly confusing that would be for a child who has had no hand at all in how the adults in her life have chosen to behave?

i really wish you well and the strength to move on with your life but the way you are talking about this and flip flopping on this little girl reveals a lot of work you may need to do on yourself too and your own values and honesty with yourself. you haven't been fair to that little girl.

I haven't done anything to that girl. He does not live with me therefore sees all 3 of them at his mums when he wants too. Why should I be part of this pretence when he only wants to see me when he sees them. He used to bring her to mine. Now he doesn't. I have done nothing wrong. I looked after when she used to stay and welcomed her. I cannot deal with with the situation as it is because all I have is bad memories and he gets to play happy families. So I've stepped back and I have let them all bond and that's that.

'that girl' is very telling. seriously just ponder on where your anger is and belongs and how best to move forward for you into healthy state.