XP and I have 2 DC's together, aged 4 and 2. Our relationship ended a few months ago, I instigated the split as he refused to face up to and deal with the problems we were having. We had reached a point where he was making no effort at all in our relationship, or in life in general and had become totally passive and detached. I tried my hardest to make things work but I was doing it ALL alone and I knew things were never going to change. He agreed and accepted the split passively - he never showed any emotion at all. Never asked to try again. I have been through the full gamut of emotions, and this year has been hideous. I desperately want to move on with my life.
Since the split the children and I moved house to be nearer my family, and the plan was for XP to rent nearby. I allowed him to stay on my sofa after we moved in because he 'couldn't afford' to rent anywhere. He ended up there for 3 months - in the end I had to find him a flat myself and practically throw him out. I have tried to be nice and keep things amicable for the DC's sake but I am at my wits end - he is clearly in denial about the situation. He refuses to have a more structured contact agreement whereby he has them every other weekend because he claims his studio flat is too small for him to look after the DC's there, so expects to have all his contact at my house. He comes round all the time to see the children (I work 2 nights a week so he looks after the children here on those nights, but turns up on my non-work nights too) and has even tried to invite his family and friends here (I hit the roof about that) . He is always trying to 'be helpful' - and of course the extra pair of hands to manage the children is massively helpful, but I am not comfortable at all with the way he is behaving - basically as if my house is his home and that he happens to sleep somewhere else. Don't get me wrong - he is not trying to 'get me back' at all, there is no affection between us whatsoever, and he seems more than happy with that - but he seems to want to hang on to the family without needing to bother with the relationship part. I have tried and tried to get through to him that he needs to face up to the situation and accept that we are separated, for all our sakes - not least the DC's who still don't really understand that we've split up as so little has changed from their point of view. He just ignores me, even when I scream it at him (obv I don't do this in front of the DC's).
I am struggling with how to deal with this situation. I'm beating myself up for being too nice to him - not because I think he deserves it but because I want to minimise the impact of the split on my DC's. I feel that I've just made it worse for them, though - despite them spending one night a week at his flat they still think that he lives here. I'm furious with him for refusing to accept the way things now are and very anxious about the future. I feel my only option is to get tough and set some very clear boundaries
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....