ex is treating my family like a free holiday I have made a mess of things

[bubblebabeuk]

I split with my ex 3 years ago when i was pregnant with ds1. We have 2 DC (dd2 aged 4 and ds1 aged 3) i also have a dd1 from previous relationship (aged 14).

In the past he has always been given open access, he only see's the kids at my house with me there as he feels he can't manage them on his own. Typically he would turn up on a Saturday, sleep over on my (lives 40 mins away through choice) and go to visit my parents with us on the Sunday for a roast. He has never had them on his own or overnight. They have never been to his house either.

Christmas has been spent at my parents, with us all stopping over until after new year. He never contributes and has only been paying a token maintenance payment of £100 for both children for the last few months (resistantly). He effectively uses the opportunity to score a free holiday over Christmas. He doesnt get up with the kids or do anything to help. He also doesnt contribute towards christmas gifts, just taking credit for the things I buy, this year is the first he has bought something himself for the children, some colouring books and pens. He isnt short of cash, he has a well payed job and is happy to spend money on himself.

Before christmas my new partner and I sat down and decided, things need to change and my ex could come for christmas eve and christmas day only. We thought he had grasped the concept but turned up Sunday and appears to have disregarded our wishes and moved in at my mums regardless again, I have an unbelievably tolerant family but they are rapidly getting fed up as well. I didnt throw him out immediately because I didnt want to cause a scene in front of the kids and ruin Christmas. When i tried to discuss it with him, he pointed out he could take me to court and I wouldnt see dd2 and ds1 every other Christmas.

The situation is causing massive problems with my new partner as understandably he feels my ex always gets his own way.... ex wanted to stop over so he did.....

The situation has only really come about because I desperately wanted to keep things amicable for the kids and ensure they have a relationship with their dad. My dd2 doesnt see hers.

How can I get our access arrangement more typical without causing massive problems and ending up in court. I dont want him stopping over at mine or my parents anymore. Before this week he hadnt bothered with seeing the kids for a month, and didnt contact us during that time either.

Its all a big mess and I just dont know how best to fix this situation, which I realise is my own doing.

I can see why he is your x.

You sound lovely and he sounds like a cocklodger, mumsnet introduced me to this phrase but I fear it sums your x up perfectly.

Considering his general lack of effort I doubt he would make the effort to take you to court and even if he won, I doubt he would bother to see the children.

Apply to the csa for formal maintenance and encourage xp to see the children away from your home, where do his parents live?

I presume you mean dd1 does not see her dad.

Given the circumstances, I have no idea what you do about his lack of effort and contact but no contact or phone calls for a month says it all to me, it is probably what you can expect long term, very sad. I hope someone with more experience of men like this, comes along soon to offer you helpful advice.

As he has already installed himself for christmas, I am not sure what you can do but it has to stop for all your sakes, it is only a matter of time before The children are disappointed in him.

I don't have all the answers but it is clear you only want what's best for your family. Enjoy christmas with your lovely children and new partner i hope things go well for you in the new year.

Thanks for your reply. I did mean dd1 does not see her dad. I suspect you are right given he would have to pay to tak me to court he probably will vanish. Think I will make the best of it this year and make the csa my new years resolution. Doing that may make him cross enough to stay away or have the kids at his perhaps.

He fell out with his parents and entire family years ago.

either he has some kind of special needs which means he " can't manage them on his own" and you say ok to havvng him visit at your and your parents

or he does not have any special difficulties in which case he is being a twat.
so put your foot down in 2014.
either he takes care of his kids properly or he doesnt - and only sees them occasiaonlly when you take them out to see him a t a cafe or soft play. stop having him in your house.
up to your parents if they want him to say at theirs - they are all adults.