Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

ex has asked to take dc to his family's house on boxing day

25 replies

Daisypops · 23/12/2013 21:08

First issue, we have a party at my dm's house.

Secondly dd1 will not go if ex's new girlfriend and her ds are there.

I have told him we are busy boxing day but he is unwilling to compromise

I've just received a message saying "only the dc lose out"

Why should I pull the dc away from a party that has been arranged for months?
His family haven't seen the dc all year. Not heard anything from any of them apart from his sister who we kast saw in march

Any advice

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/12/2013 21:10

Just ignore the text. You haven't lied to him, it has been planned for months. He's just pissed off because you've stood up to him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/12/2013 22:22

Who is having the children on xmas day? New Years day?

makemineapinot · 23/12/2013 22:26

As randomness said, just ignore him. MY ex did this too and I stood up to him and nothing happened. Don't get into an argument by text. Text back and say your dc are spending Boxing Day with you and that's it.

AmberLeaf · 23/12/2013 22:29

does he see them regularly?

it isn't unusual for one parent to spend xmas day with the children and the other spend boxing day with them.

NatashaBee · 23/12/2013 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Daisypops · 23/12/2013 22:50

He sees the dc once a month. Sometimes once every six weeks. His choice not mine.

He is coming here on Christmas day for a couple of hours. Dd1 will not go to his house as he lives with his new girlfriend. I have posted before about dd1 not wanting to see him because he lives with his hew girlfriend and doesn't make much effort. He has spent £500 on the dc for Christmas though

Why does he have to be an arse when I have always veen reasonable?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/12/2013 23:25

Who is having them new years day?

BuffyxSummers · 24/12/2013 00:45

If you already have plans, you already have plans. If he wasn't bothered to organise anything til now, tough titties on him.

Original poster

Daisypops · 24/12/2013 07:20

They will be with me on new years day. He will probably be going out NYE. He hasn't asked for them.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 24/12/2013 09:55

To be honest I think if you have them xmas day, new years eve and new years day then you should let them see their dad and his family on boxing day. Sorry. Probably not what you want to hear.

Fair enough your dd doesn't want to go but your other children can.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 24/12/2013 09:57

Or how about offering him New Years. If he really wants them over he'll take you up on it. I don't know the man and I'm guessing the answer...

HappyMummyOfOne · 24/12/2013 09:59

NotSuch, i agree. Special days should be shared between split parents as its only fair. Neither one has more rights than the other.

The OP also seems fine that a child now wont visit due to a new partner, wonder if they would be the case if the situation was reversed and the child doesnt like her new partner. Somehow i doubt it.

SantasPelvicFloor · 24/12/2013 10:04

Special days should be split BUT if the dad does not ask for them ever then it doesn't give him automatic rights to overrule plans

My DCs dad hasn't seen his DC on Christmas Day, Boxing Day or NYD since we split. I have discussed this with him but he doesn't want them (partying?). It doesn't give him the right to swan in and call the shots to suit him at a later stage.

All contact needs discussion and to be in the interest of the DC. Does this sound like that?

BuffyxSummers · 24/12/2013 10:48

Special days should only be split if it's organised in advance. There's many NRP who think what they say goes and will try and arrange plans at the last minute, disrupting the children. Some also do it as a form of control over the RP. OP doesn't have to offer anything to placate the man. Someone who barely bothers through the year doesn't get to demand things days before a special event. If he was really interested, this would have been organised when Christmas Day was sorted. A good parent wouldn't want to disrupt the childrens plans like that either. Also, is it really in their best interests for them to be paraded around his family when they haven't bothered all year? Children aren't stupid. They know when people aren't interested.

Monetbyhimself · 24/12/2013 10:58

Tough shit. Ex has fucked off with OW for the third year in a row for Christmas. At some point today I will get a text 'telling' me that he will be phoning the children in 5 minutes time and to make sure they are by the phone. I've come a long way in the past year with regards dealing with the controlling little scrote so will ignore. The kids can ring him if they want when our family ( who love the children all year and not just at Xmas/ when OWs family are listening in to a 'touching' phonecall) have gone home.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 24/12/2013 11:31

Yes. I get that its annoying when they leave it to the last minute to make plans. I get that it means the resident parent gets messed around a bit.

I still think that if you have the kids xmas eve, xmas day, NY eve and NY day that things could be juggled around a bit to let them see dad and his family on Boxing Day. Presumably, the OP has the kids from 27 to 30 December too (sad)

And its a good point about the children not liking their dads new partner. What is she didn't like her mums new partner? Does that mean she wouldn't have to spend time with her mum?

SantasPelvicFloor · 24/12/2013 11:37

And its a good point about the children not liking their dads new partner. What is she didn't like her mums new partner? Does that mean she wouldn't have to spend time with her mum?

If it's anything like me I wouldn't be with that partner... I think there is an assumption here that the mum is obstructing the father. Sometimes fathers just don't put kids first. It's sad but a fact. Trying to put the blame onto the mother for that, doesn't make a difference

Original poster

Daisypops · 24/12/2013 12:06

I have never and would never make it difficult for him to see the children. Exp has never made much effort. It isn't up to me to repair their relationship. I have encouraged her to see her dad and for the first time in months she went out with him a few weeks ago. He needs a relationship with his children before someone new is introduced. I have no issue with the dc meeting a new partner but the time has to be right. I will not force my dc to do anything they don't want.

Exp kept his new girlfriend a secret. Took dd to her house (where he lives) and dd noticed ladies things about and her sons toys. Dd opened up to me about a month later to tell me. He didn't tell me he lived with new gf. As far as I was aware he lived alone. I think this is why dd has a problem with meeting new girlfriend. Its how you do things isn't it?

His family have made no contact with me at all in a year. I said we would keep in touch despite us separating, I have sent birthday cards and gifts to his sisters child but no phone call thanking me, which would then open up the channel for us to meet up.
And for the record I do not have a new partner. But I will certainly handle it better than he did when I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisypops · 24/12/2013 13:02

He hasn't asked for the dc at all. He invited himself to my house on Christmas day. I said it was fine. He hasn't asked for them at all apart from asking if he could have them boxing day but even that is because his family have asked. It wasn't him who wanted to see them.

OP posts:

balia · 24/12/2013 14:19

I'm with Notsuch in the minority. I think if you have them Xmas Eve, Xmas Day, NYE and NYDay then Boxing Day isn't asking for much, even if it is last minute; in fact I'd have refused Xmas Day visit (intrusive and confusing) and suggested an alternative. And how old is the DD who is being allowed to decide for herself about contact?

Even if he is a twunt, the DC do have a right to relationships with their wider family. It's all very well saying that you support that relationship, but to manage it successfully (specially with a twunt) you have to bite the bullet a bit.

Original poster

Daisypops · 24/12/2013 18:43

He doesn't want them any other time. Like I said he is unwilling to compromise. The children are 6 and 2. Eldest will not go to his house despite my encouragement. The ex in laws 'can't do' xmas day and exp is out nye and doesn't want them then. Xmas day at mine seemed the sensible answer.
I have told him any other day inc nyd is fine but he isn't interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisypops · 24/12/2013 18:45

I took advice about dd1 and contact and am doing as I was told. Exp is aware of my advice and knows I try to encourage her to see him.

OP posts:

bluebeardsbabe · 24/12/2013 20:55

Daisy. I think a lot of people are being unfair here and making assumptions about your actions and situation. Sounds like you have been more than fair offering time on Christmas day and over new year. It's not OK for him to disrupt boxing day last minute when plans have been made. Stand your ground.

RandomMess · 24/12/2013 22:04

Would it be worth you contacted his sister to see if she would like to have them on NYD or something or his parents? Clearly they do want to see the dc even if they don't appear to have made more effort.

starlight1234 · 24/12/2013 23:51

Well I don't blame you at all..You do not have to offer contact as his beck and call...

I am not sure why people think it needs to be equally split when a EXp doesn't make an effort with their kids the rest of the year...

Actually I think DC may benefit more from a party with family who have been involved all year...

Flip