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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How do you deal with a non resident parent who slaps?

14 replies

colditz · 23/12/2013 11:45

He doesn't just slap my two children, he slaps his own two year old and I DETEST IT. I didn't even know until this morning.

I left him because he was violent. I've currently stopped visitation.

He's angrily messages me and said that they are his children and he will slap them if he likes.

My seven year old is frantic about his baby sister and has told me he wants to build her a suit of armour.

An I am actually horrified.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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duchesse · 23/12/2013 11:54

Gosh. I wonder why you're no longer together... I have no practical advice except to say that I would be fucking furious is current Dh did that to our children, let alone some git who'd left. I hope someone comes along soon with some good advice.

Original poster

colditz · 23/12/2013 12:00

How can I reassure my son? The problem is, slapping IS legal, and I can't even say that it's awful and abusive and never works because I was smacked as a child, but certainly not when I was two.

I've told my so I will ring someone who will go and talk to his dad about why we don't smack and other things that are better(such as supervision) but tbh, who do I ring? The SS aren't going to give a toss about low grade smacked hands and shouting.

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duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:19

Quite. It's a major parenting disagreement with someone you no longer parent with jointly. It's a flipping minefield. I really feel for you. Essentially what you are being asked to do is to button your lip and accept that your children will not be brought up the way you want them to be while they are at their father's. And yet he is completely right about them being his children as well and that he is able to parent them as he sees fit. the tosser Trouble is they are being brought up very differently by each parent. How much time do they spend at his house?

duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:21

And your poor DS. . He shouldn't have to protect his little sister. What does his new partner feel about the hitting? Do you have any relationship with her?

duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:22

Hate to ask this but has he ever left marks on them? Photographs of visible marking would be viewed quite seriously by the police.

duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:24

D'you think maybe you should repost this somewhere with more traffic?

Can you try "AIBU to be fucking furious with ExP for hitting my children?"

duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:26

You could try sending him this but he probably wouldn't read it.

Original poster

colditz · 23/12/2013 13:26

No, there's no marks, he hasn't broken the law at all.

But I'm not sending them. He was very, very unpleasant to me and about t hem over the phone earlier and I'm not sending them to spend time with someone who seems to resent them.

His new partner is a mouse and he is the full time parent in that house anyway, so what he says goes.

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duchesse · 23/12/2013 13:27

And this.

Original poster

colditz · 23/12/2013 13:32

I don't want to put it in AIBU, It will descend into a gunfight abut smacking.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 23/12/2013 14:02

keep that message.

is there a court order?
if not you can stop visits anyway.
does dc still want to see him?

thing is it is about reasonable punishment...what is he slapping them for? is child actually behaving so badly they merit a slap?

if it is frequent thing then i am sure you could argue it is not resonable at all.

cestlavielife · 23/12/2013 14:04

from the link above

"It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. This defence is laid down in section 58 of the Children Act 2004, but it is not defined in this legislation. Wheth-er a ‘smack’ amounts to reasonable punishment will depend on the circum-stances of each case taking into consideration factors like the age of the child and the nature of the smack."

see i think that if he is slapping them every day then that is just not reasonable. no child is that naughty every day. also slapping a two eyar old - when can that be reasonable except say child about to put hand in oven or fire? as the law does not define it then you can argue a case...

TalkativeJim · 23/12/2013 14:14

Slapping a two year old?

Get in touch with SS, and tell them what your DC said about wanting to build their sister a suit of armour, and how distressed they are about her.

It's not just the smacking. He's clearly an aggressive bully, and your children have been emotionally abused by having to watch in fear as he no doubt screams at as well and slaps a tiny baby.

I have no idea how seriously SS will take that, but two things WILL be of use:

it will start to build up a picture if he does start to abuse this baby - it will bring his name to their attention, which is GOOD (especially if this baby's mum isn't protecting);

it will act as evidence in your favour should you end up in court with him over stopping contact. Your argument is NOT that he is 'legally' chastising and that you don't like it, your argument is that he is aggressive, bullying and abusive to all the children and they are distressed and afraid of him. THAT is something that IS a deal breaker.

Original poster

colditz · 23/12/2013 16:33

You know what, Jim, I will. It really has upset me a lot.

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