I'm going to fail at this, aren't I?

[twolittlemice]

After Christmas, DP's leaving me, I'm moving to a new house in a new area where I have no-one to help, because I'm going to have to go back to work full time to support us, DD (1) is going to childcare for the first time. DP is not currently planning to be around to help much if at all.

I feel heartbroken, let-down, furious, isolated and very scared that I won't manage. I'm so angry with DP for doing this, and have no idea how we will get on well enough to parent DD, but know I have to find it in myself for her sake.

Its the practical stuff like moving on my own, managing to cook with a demanding toddler, getting to have a shower - I barely manage this now when he's here. I'm also so worried that DD will be unhappy in childcare and will be damaged by her father's sudden absence. The only person available to help is DM, and we have what is known on MN as a toxic relationship.

I haven't slept more than three hours at a time since DD was born, usually more like one hour - how will I manage at work? I have a demanding job.
I love DD so much and I think I'm going to fail at this. It really wasn't meant to be this way, I feel so gutted.

I dont have any practical advice yet (but have my thinking cap on), but didnt want to read and run!

Is it essential for you to return to work? I had assumed that with such a small.child, as a lone parent you were entitled to certain benefits - housing benefit etc. My SIL has recently left her dh and moved into rented accomodation an hour or so away from.him. She is looking for part time work because she wants to work, not because she has to. I understand she is not expected to look for work til her LO is five.

1. No you're not 2)

Go to the turn 2 us website. Put your info in and it will tell you what tax credits etc you can claim as a lone parent. You'll get help with rent, council tax, and childcare. You'll probably find you don't need to go back to work full time. It's good to stay in work so you keep your foot in the door and keep things like pensions and perks going, but you may not want to be there full time.

You'll be fine.

It will probably be difficult to start with, but you won't fail. Just think about all the posts from mumsnetters who have gone through traumatic changes like you and then gone on to make wonderful lives for themselves and their DCs. Good luck, you can do it.

You will not fail you will do and dd will be ok. It takes some adjustment and you're still hurting from what you thought things were going to be.
I swear with time and adjustment you will be so much strong and better

What Ralph said.

Move showers to night time when she's in bed. Or put her in her cot. Even if she cries for 5 minutes, she'll be fine. Being in childcare will probably help her becomebless dependent on you and less clingy.
Cooking ? Batch cook so make double curry etc and freeze. Or use a slow cooker. Or cheat. On really busy days, some pasta and tuna will do just fine.

You are NOT going to fail. Give yourself some time to grieve. I could give you lots of advice about making arsehole leave NOW rather than dragging it out over Christmas but that's probably not what you need.

Keep posting. There are lots of strong indeprndent women here who have kept things together for the kids. And who offer support when the going gets tough. You and your little girl WILL be fine.

You will not fail. You can't so you won't, it really is as simple as that.

I am a single parent of 3, aged 5, 2 and 7 weeks.

Don't ask me how I do it, I just do, as will you (smile)

It really is amazing how you just get on with it, you will surprise yourself and when your lovely dd is older and still just as lovely you will look back and think ... that was me, I did it, I really did it.

Or :) even

What Monet said.

Could be worth thinking about sleep training/night weaning too.

You will do this and do it well.

As it's nearly New Year here are my predictions:

1. You will sort DD's sleep out because it will just be the two of you and you can give it the time and you will have more patience because you won't have him making you feel bad.
2. DD will be more likely to sleep because childcare will wear her out.
3. Your new job will open up a new social life to you, people will value you which will improve your self esteem.
4. You will feel so much better because you won't have a critical presence in your life.
5. You will be able to do what you like, when you like, including sitting in a onesie all weekend watching Friends reruns and eating Nutella out of a jar if that's what makes you happy.

Some time from now you will look back and think 'wow, I did all of that on my own'. Then you will realise that you are a capable person who can do pretty much anything

You will cope. In some ways it will be easier you will alter how you do things because he's not around. Be kind to yourself set aside time each week just for you.
Menu planning is your friend with food so your shopping and cooking is organised. Use ceebies it's not a crime to sit them in front of it whilst you cook.

Thank you all so much, you have made me cry (not in a bad way) - I didn't expect any replies really.
For myself, I would love DP to leave now, but I need him to look after DD so I can pack up, and I want her to have this last bit of time with him, as she really loves him, and he loves her. I don't think he's an arsehole, he's a weak and selfish idiot. I've had pnd (yes, it gets even worse) and he's had enough. He's made me feel it is all my fault.

I'm going back to a job I had before mat leave, so no options for pt just now I don't think, but I need to stop panicking about keeping a roof over our heads and think properly about the future. I will look into it when I feel I have some headroom to think beyond the next nappy change, the next (ready) meal.

One big worry is I am not an organised person - I have never had a proper budget or meal planned in my life. I'm going to have to learn a lot.

I was financially controlled for years. I thought I' d 'never' cope with budgeting. It was his parting shot to me as well.

I have a brand new car on the drive, foreign holidays and the kids don't go without. I pay everything by direct debit, including oil for central heating. I then know exactly what my outgoings are every month, divide what's left by 4 and then I know how much I have each week for food, allocate some every month for clothes and transfer whatever is spare into a high interest online saver. Allocate yourself one hour a month to sit down and do that savings transfer and read through your statement. I also take out a fixed amount of cash each week for milk, newspapers etc.

I tried spreadsheets etc and it just stressed me more.

Have you told your work about the split? When I split with xp I told them (not the details) and they were very understanding and supportive. Ditto RL friends - emotionally and practically.

If you haven't already, remember to sort out and agreement maintenance with him too.

Will your DD be eating her evening meal at her childcare provider too? If so might meant that you only need to give her a quick snack type thing when you get home and you can have your main meal as lunch at work. Get a slow cooker and batch cook stuff for the freezer so there is stuff on standby.

I do feel like Bridget Jones in that Thai prison comparing bad boyfriend stories sometimes. I feel a bit of a fraud as DP isn't abusive or controlling, hasn't had affairs. he's just in a mess himself, is trying to run away from the difficult things in life and is massively letting us down. he has left me in a financial mess, but not by design. He is disorganized too, more than me. I don't think he realises how difficult my and DDs life will now be, although i have told him.

on a positive note i think i can cope with batch cooking: i have some massive saucepans and cupboards full of tuppaware. i just need to get a tfreezer. thanks for helping me feel i might not fail at all of this.

paneer i know, I should tell work, I just feel so humiliated. Just back from maternity leave, and bringing all this personal sh**with me, which is going to make it harder to do my job properly. It's the kind of job with unpredictable long hours - so it was already going to be a struggle to keep up, but feels near impossible without someone at home to support me. Not many women with families do well in my job. My manager is a man and will be uncomfortable discussing this.
I think I am discovering a bit of inner steel though, in between feeling like I'm crumbling. Thanks for reading, its all flooding out a bit today.

When I let my Ex..I was worried we were in debt but it was easier to deal with without him continually making it worse...Also I had a lot less stress looking after the two of us not 3...

You will do fine because you can do it. I moved into a new town knew no one and had a baby who had sepration issues so had to decorate build furniture when he was asleep...I didn't work till my son was 5 but it is amazing what you can do

You will cope I am sure. Will DH be helping you financially (sorry if you've said already) ?

Your manager is going to have to man up and support you!!!!

Also it sounds like you are already getting yourself sorted, you have somewhere to live and you have a job so it will just need the pieces to fall into place for you I terms of routine and budget and you will be fine.

Good luck OP, can you say where you are going, there might be one of us nearby to give you a hand!!

keep posting OP, lots of support for you.
or start a new thread with a more positive title. Already your recent posts in comparison to your OP has a different tone, more positive

sure things seem impossible now but I'm sure you won't fail. good luck

Haven't read all the replies sorry but you won't fail.
Single parenthood is actually easier once you get used to it imo as there is no expectation and with no expectation there is no heartache.
I shower in the morning with the 2 of them siting in my room watching tv (I have an ensuite luckily) or at night when they go to bed.
They are in bed by 6:30pm so I can do house work, paper work, paint nails catch up with friends on the phone etc and they are awake by 6:30am which works for us as we are up early for nursery on work days anyway.
They are my little mates & although some days I feel like tearing my hair out I look at them and actually feel sorry for my ex as he is the one missing out on so much.
You aren't alone lovely- not in the slightest! Keep your chin up and show your ex you don't need him anyway!

Thanks everyone, I can't tell you how grateful I am. Thinking through the practical stuff is helping me face this. It's not going so well today, I'm counting down the days until we've moved out, the tension here is terrible and we have rowed in front of DD a lot. I feel shockingly guilty about that - she deserves so, so much better. Most of the anger has come from me: I don't think I've ever felt so angry, he keeps on doing new things that let us down. I guess I need to really lower my expectations.

It's all made me feel a bit more positive about me and DD living on our own though - it will be blissful to not have the bad feeling and judgement. I usually do pretty much everything myself anyway - every night waking, every nappy change, buy every Christmas present, etc etc etc. It's just the feeling of having absolutely no backup that scares me. I've had a horrible bug this week, so unusually he's had her a lot - what on earth do you do when you are ill, I mean ill so you need to be in bed?