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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

advise please on how to organise contact with shift worker

11 replies

Minime85 · 22/12/2013 10:20

any advice appreciated on how to approach contact with exh for dcs. life always been ruled by his job and shifts for 10years. separated 7 weeks ago. have tried to keep school runs etc for routine of dcs. but I want to try and get more a system in place after christmas but it seems impossible. so basically have to slot contact in around shifts so life is still being controlled by his job and dcs' lives too. grabbing an hour here or there and feel they are being rushed around all over.

OP posts:

Monetbyhimself · 22/12/2013 14:14

How are his shifts allocated ? If it's a fixed rolling rota, then can you ask him to give you a month or 6 weeks rota in advance and you can work out contact dates from that? Is he doing everything he can to ask his employers for support ? When I first split I was able to sort fixed shift days/times for a period.
You could argue that if his shifts are really unpredictable, then you have to set days for contact and then the onus is on him to swap shifts or arrange childcare for those days.

Foxy800 · 22/12/2013 15:21

My ex is exactly the same and will only see dd as and when suits him.(using work as an excuse). So unfortunately unable to offer advice.. Fingers crossed you find a solution that works.x

Original poster

Minime85 · 22/12/2013 17:00

thanks for replies. unfortunately no, no room to change shifts. no real pattern. but I've tried to be as fair as I can and do it to try and give dcs more security and stability as can.

has been so all over places this side of Christmas not helping anyone see the reality of being separated I think.

thanks

OP posts:

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 23/12/2013 18:07

You have my sympathy, this is crap.

I have no idea what exh is working next week. If I plan anything it always has be with the proviso that it might have to be cancelled because of his work.

Can you atleast work out that when he is working this shift on this day, he will have this contact? So it is not totally freeform?

YourHandInMyHand · 24/12/2013 10:06

When does he get told of his shifts? As they aren't in a particular pattern I suppose all you can do is request that as soon as he has his rota you work out days and times he is seeing the kids and both write it on calendar.

I would also expect any after school activities eg brownies/ kids party invitations to be carried out by him if they fall in his time to have them. How much contact does he realistically want?

Original poster

Minime85 · 24/12/2013 21:02

so far he is happy to accept whatever I offer. I've tried to keep things very often for DDS really but its not realistic in long run. so when I take him off morning school run it looks like he barely sees them. yes he does all after school stuff to and so far very much wants to be part of that normal part of life. does homework etc too with them.
I'm going to ask for key to my house back and that if he does do mornings from mine key needs to be left.
feels cold and sad but need to create that distance.
there is like a 6 week or so rota thing but whole new shift system starts in Jan so could change. also shifts can change with less than 24 hours notice. oh so complicated.
thanks for advice

OP posts:

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 25/12/2013 20:53

Key thing sounds sensible, I think that only works if you are really friendly. Neighbour or family member could have one for emergencies?

Sadly you need to always have a contingency for his contact time if his shifts can change at the last minute.

justtoomessy · 30/12/2013 10:06

Does his work not come under the legal requirement for flexible working policy?? I do shift work but due to being a single mum I am able to have a fixed shift pattern.

Contact CAB and they will be able to help him.

Original poster

Minime85 · 30/12/2013 12:37

thanks for replies really appreciate them. he can get flexi I think but it is still all over the place and not sure it helps him out at work. its the public sector. i have mapped out Jan and Feb where he only has one actual weekend off to have them. but I've put in lots of school pick ups and hopefully when they are ready they can stay on a school night too. he seems happy as do dcs which is all that matters for now.

OP posts:

RedRideMeGood · 03/01/2014 01:05

I've been working out contact with a shift worker for a couple of years now and still hate it. I live my life in numbers instead of days and every part of my life including what days I work is ruled by his shift pattern. A mix of him working days and nights but also working 12 hour shifts means he only has DC on his days off but obviously he wants that time to go out with mates/see his girlfriend etc. Nightmare and you have my full sympathy. I'd love to know what the other guys on his shift do about seeing their DC.

I realise this is probably no help to you at all but I feel better for getting it out, sorry!

Original poster

Minime85 · 03/01/2014 18:08

thanks redride I think it helps to know I'm not the only one. sounds very similar to me in terms of shifts although usually 8-10 hours. planned out 2 months to see how it goes bit quite bitty and bobby. he seems happy and so do dcs. I'm not unhappy with it just a pain.

OP posts:

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