Ah bollocks, I've just messed up.

[sillymillyb]

My sons dad and I have never been together (we used to be friends) he disappeared when I was pregnant, didn't tell anyone he had a son for 5 months, visits once a month because his parents expect him to but won't do anything when he is here and refuses to be left alone with ds as he won't change nappies.

I'm frustrated cos I've really struggled this past month, to point where I was trying to think of ways I could die and not hurt ds by leaving him alone (I'm over that now, and I couldn't think of a way anyway) I have no money, where as ds dad had great quality of life with regular holidays etc. I have no time to myself, ever, where as he has all the time in the world. In basically very resentful and hurt that he can live 2 lives and our ds isn't worth more of his time / money / energy.

I've just received a text off him that was a bit arsey but in a very polite way. I've replied arsey full stop. I've told him that I find it offensive and strange that he can go ages without hearing news of his son, that that isn't how normal loving dads act, and that our son deserves more. I've never spoken out like this, my message doesn't even make sense really because I was so frustrated. I could have been much more eloquent and included examples of other times (rather than this straw that broke the camels back) that proved my point (because he genuinely thinks he is a brilliant dad I think)

Argh. I'm sorry for ranting. In frustrated with myself for losing it over nothing. I hate him for not caring about my bloody amazing ds. He deserves so much more than this tosser

Sorry to hear you are in this situation, sounds so crap. I don't think you have really done anything wrong, he deserves a kick up the arse.

I know you haven't asked for advice but honestly I would put a stop to his nonesense. He needs to make the effort. How do you think your ds will feel as an adult to find out his dad couldn't really be arsed to do anything for him. This constant reminder that he can do what he wants, reject any (Basically all!) parenting if he feels like it, must grind you down. Boundaries will make you feel better and therefore be a better parent for ds. If he doesn't want to change nappies, tough luck, he can explain that to your ds when he is older, that he was scared of his own son's poo.

When I split up with my ex he was fairly useless but gradually I have insisted he take more responsibility and he has. It's not perfect by any means but better than it was.

I would send him an email or letter saying now ds is getting older you feel it is in his best interests that he starts taking him out of the house, eg an hour of soft play, park, swimming, museum. What about his parents, are they local? If he stops seeing him you will have evidence that you weren't blocking contact. If he starts doing more it will be good for everyone.

I know exactly how you feel sillymilly.

It's hard to keep it all in and I've snapped once too. To be honest I think it helped though as it made him assess his contribution to DS's life and in black and white it was utterly pathetic and he couldn't deny that. He has since bucked up his ideas - slightly - but more surprisingly, he is much more respectful of what I am doing for DS.

Sometimes the sheer volume of responsibility on your shoulders can be terrifying. It does get easier though and now I try to focus on the things I get more of because he's not around - more fun, more love etc. Doesn't stop me wanting a break now and then but it does help. And now DS is getting older he is starting to notice that I am the one putting in the work. Sure Daddy does fun things when he sees him (every 8-12 weeks!) but Mummy is here for the standard routine which is what I think gives them security and confidence of being loved :)

I have no money, where as ds dad had great quality of life with regular holidays etc

Are you getting any maintenance from him?

Could you suggest he take ds for a few hours to spend time with him and his parents. Crap that he won't change nappies obviously, but at least then his parents could do it. Sounds like you need a bit of a break now and again.

Morning everyone. Thank you or replying. I think I'm just having a tough phase at the minute and am struggling with everything.

Ds isn't sleeping still so I'm bloody knackered!

Ds dad does need to take on more responsibility. I started meeting him at soft play / park etc and forcing him to take him off, but ds cried as he doesn't really know him and I felt guilty. He also would just leave him covered in shit or keep bringing him back to me. I just don't trust him to look after ds, and I don't think ds should suffer for it you know?

Maintenance wise, he was paying me under what he should, but has now lost his job. He has saved up 3 months wages, which I know I should be pleased about, but is just shows the massive discrepancies in our lives that he could save up so much money and I can't even feed myself some days. He lives in Ireland so no csa reciprocal agreement and he refuses to tell me what he earns. I know I'm paid under each month what it would be if used csa as I used to be his boss, so know roughly what he was on.

Argh, I dunno. I think I'm just in a grump at the minute - your right, I need to start focusing on the good stuff and the giggles. It just feels like a big battle lately.