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Original poster

how pissed off were u when it ex had a new baby?

26 replies

tuffcukkie · 20/12/2013 23:16

My dp has got two children to his ex. We have always had a civil relationship and she always been nice to me. Lately she's been telling white lies (making out as if Dr wants something when it's really her asking dd). We're in talks of having a baby and I thought is she going to get worse? My dp has his two overnight one night every week so I have a feeling she's not going to be pleased.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 25/12/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopAndSkipAlong · 26/12/2013 18:32

Ex doesn't have one, but I think as long as my DC weren't pushed out or upset I would think it was nice for them to have another sibling.

purpleroses · 26/12/2013 20:52

To be honest I was quite pissed off at first. I was worried that my DCs would lost out in terms of their dad's time for them, money, and space in his very small flat. Like any parent, I think my DCs are the most important people in the world. Ex having a new baby meant that he no longer shared that view with me - he had a new one who was just as important to him and who he actually lived with, so I feared mine would be pushed out.

None of this is a reason not to have a baby with your DP if you both want one, but your right, his ex probably won't be pleased. To minimise the problems - tell her at the same time as you tell the kids, and reassure both them and her if possible that routines, holidays, bedrooms, maintenance, etc won't change (if they won't).

Two years on my DCs are very fond of their little brother. And he thinks they're fantastic :) And their dad hasn't done too badly at finding time for them too. I've got over it and it's just part of life now.

Monetbyhimself · 26/12/2013 22:21

It's really cool that you are taking her into consideration OP. It would be positive if you could let her know about your pregnancy so that she can support the children and answer any questions or address any concerns that they may have. And as already mentioned, an assurance about no changes to maintenance and contact will go a long way to ensuring that your partner and his Ex can maintain a good co parenting relationship for their children.

IneedAwittierNickname · 26/12/2013 23:08

I couldn't give a flying fuck that ex had a new baby. Or at least I wouldn't if his dc with me hadn't been sidelined as a result of the baby (and his relationship with the mum)

I agree with the others, make sure you tell her (my ex didn't tell me, I found out from someone else) and reassure her, and the dc, that nothing will change regarding them :)

BruthasTortoise · 27/12/2013 13:30

I disagree OP with people telling you to say nothing will change. Of course things will change as they would in any family where a new baby is born. There may be less time for the DC as the time now needs to be split three ways but on the upside they get a lovely new sibling.

Squidwardtenticles · 27/12/2013 13:33

If my dad had gone onto have another child we would all be fuming.
He paid jack shit to my mother.

If my Dp and I split I wouldn't know how I would feel tbh.

ThatIsIt · 27/12/2013 13:36

As ex doesn't see the dc, the only issue was a loss of money for the dc. It was weird to get a call from the CSA to tell me about it, and even odder to tell the dc they had a half sibling and I knew no more.

colditz · 27/12/2013 13:46

Absolutely massively. I knew that the new baby would result in less time, attention and resources for my children. I was right.

Frankly if someone can't pay more than legal minimum in Csa and can't interact fully with the children on the brief visits they have, they aren't fit to have another, are they?

Could you imagine the father of your child looking at your kids and deciding that actually, they aren't enough for him and he needs to have more babies? Because that's how it feels when your ex gets someone else pregnant.

ThatIsIt · 27/12/2013 13:48

I asked my ex why he had another child when he didn't see the one's he had already, his answer was not that "he" wanted one, his answer was "she had no children and wanted a child". It was like he was giving the nod to a new pair of curtains for the living room.

FrogStarandRoses · 27/12/2013 13:55

Surely all the negative feelings about half-siblings apply equally to any full siblings within the family too?

A DC whose parents have another child will have less attention/money than if they were an only child.

Do parents who decide to have more than one child look at their first and think they arent enough and so go on to have more babies?

BruthasTortoise · 27/12/2013 14:27

Good post frog. It seems like in a "together" family a new baby is presented as a good thing, a blessing, another person to love, care for, protect and enjoy. In a separated family a new baby is seen as an interloper and a thief of resources from the family. Wonder why that is... Hmm

Fairylea · 27/12/2013 14:37

I was pissed off but it was more that he had moved to the USA to be with this woman with no real thought of our 10 year old dd who he'd seen every other weekend since we split (my decision) since she was 6 months old. I was also worried about how the new dc would affect the maintenance I receive for dd.

However, these are worries related directly to my own intricate situation and not necessarily the same for everyone.

purpleroses · 27/12/2013 15:44

Frog - but in a together family you would be sharing in the love for the new baby. It's completely different to how you feel about your ex's new baby. The OP didn't ask whether it would be wrong to have a baby with her DP. She asked how the ex might respond. I think it's useful for her to have some idea of the hurt and anxiety a lot of mothers do feel in this situation so she can handle it well.

FrogStarandRoses · 27/12/2013 16:04

I think it's useful for her to have some idea of the hurt and anxiety a lot of mothers do feel in this situation

I agree - however, most of the responses on this thread have justified that hurt and anxiety by using practical explanations - all of which equally apply to siblings born into the same family - many of the posters who say they are worried about time/money/commitment for their DCs faced the same situation when they had their second and subsequent DCs within the origional family.

Yes, mothers often feel hurt/anxious when their DCs dad has further DCs with a subsequent partner - but that's got far less to do with concerns about the practicalities for their DCs and far more to do with their own emotions about the situation, IMO.

IneedAwittierNickname · 27/12/2013 17:01

In front of my dc I've never spoken about their new brother as anything other than a good thing, a lovely new baby etc etc.

And yes if their dad and I had had another baby together, then time and money would split more. But he would still see all of them everyday.

Instead, he didn't see them for 4 weeks when his gf was pg as she didn't feel well enough to have them there. Now i can see her position on that, but he could have come and taken them out for an hour, somewhere other than her house. And now he cancels on them at the last minute because he's tired, or the baby has a cold.

BruthasTortoise · 27/12/2013 19:02

But that's not because he had a new baby - it's because he's a dick. A good man and father will continue to be a good man and father no matter how many children he has, a bad man will find any excuse.

colditz · 27/12/2013 21:06

Brutha - yeah, that's super fucking sensible etc - kindly explain that to my sobbing six year old who hasn't seen daddy for six weeks when twice a week was the norm.

BruthasTortoise · 27/12/2013 23:11

I have enough to explain to my sobbing 9 year old thanks all the same Colditz Hmm

Original poster
tuffcukkie · 29/12/2013 20:22

Well this is comforting lol. My dp said he couldn't give a shit what his ex thinks. His ex will be fuming even though she has got new Partner cos she's like a dog's dick with everything. She will be texting more etc. I will assure her when the time comes that no one will be left out when the children are together but like Bruthas had said I can't tell her nothing will change because that's a lie. Right now the only time dp gets to be a father is when her two come and stay. He looks forward to the family time and to be a dad. When our baby comes he will be a dad 24/7 and a full time family life. So I seriously know that how dp thinks is going to change and I think bm will know that so I am truly dreading it

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Original poster
tuffcukkie · 29/12/2013 20:22

Well this is comforting lol. My dp said he couldn't give a shit what his ex thinks. His ex will be fuming even though she has got new Partner cos she's like a dog's dick with everything. She will be texting more etc. I will assure her when the time comes that no one will be left out when the children are together but like Bruthas had said I can't tell her nothing will change because that's a lie. Right now the only time dp gets to be a father is when her two come and stay. He looks forward to the family time and to be a dad. When our baby comes he will be a dad 24/7 and a full time family life. So I seriously know that how dp thinks is going to change and I think bm will know that so I am truly dreading it

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Original poster
tuffcukkie · 29/12/2013 20:22

Well this is comforting lol. My dp said he couldn't give a shit what his ex thinks. His ex will be fuming even though she has got new Partner cos she's like a dog's dick with everything. She will be texting more etc. I will assure her when the time comes that no one will be left out when the children are together but like Bruthas had said I can't tell her nothing will change because that's a lie. Right now the only time dp gets to be a father is when her two come and stay. He looks forward to the family time and to be a dad. When our baby comes he will be a dad 24/7 and a full time family life. So I seriously know that how dp thinks is going to change and I think bm will know that so I am truly dreading it

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Original poster
tuffcukkie · 29/12/2013 20:25

Don't know how I posted 3 times Confused

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colditz · 29/12/2013 21:43

They are also his kids, not just hers, you know that, right?

Original poster
tuffcukkie · 29/12/2013 22:15

Well I am aware of that fact :-/. I was saying it as her point of a view.

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