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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Help pls

15 replies

tinker1235 · 18/12/2013 21:12

My exh wants to have shared residency of our dc. So he has suggested us talking 121. No chance he's been abusive. If not he has said mediation or he will take me to court. Can I take somebody with me to mediation?

How do I stop him/can I stop him? At the moment he has them once a fortnight with his parents. He can't be trusted on his own with them. Also it has and still is taking my ds time to adjust. He doesn't want to stay sometimes & not long ago he was crying not to go. also there were a few times he had to be brought home to me as he didn't want to stay. My dd only spends a few hours with them as she still to young.

Help, I don't think there safe with him on there own overnight & this is what he wants. He is also trying to force me to let him come to my door & drop them off. I ask that his mother will as he is abusive to me. Can he make me have face to face contact with him? He scares me and is very intimidating towards me.
Pls help

OP posts:

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 19/12/2013 00:56

Hi Tinker

I have been through this. It was and is VERY similar so I'd like you to listen up!

The first things I would do is talk to a domestic violence helpline for help and support, visit your local womens aid or talk to them on the phone, get a solicitors advice (sometimes free depending on your circumstances.). Now the other thing Id really like you to consider doing is calling the police. They're very good. They'll just come out, talk to you about your situation and the visit and conversation will be logged. Trust me. This is good. Tell them how you feel and what you have just told us. Also ask them about a non-molestation order and please seriously consider going through with it. I'm busy this week, which is why I'm giving you all this advice in one go. Reach out for the support available for women in your position. Protect yourself and your kids. If you don't stand up for yourself now, I fear that he will get exactly what he wants through the courts and you won't have any proof of anything if it isn't on police record/ non molestation. I wish someone had given me this advice. Good luck.

cestlavielife · 19/12/2013 11:41

why cannt he be trusted? what sort of evidence do you have?
is there record of his abuse?

ciourt is better if there has been abuse as is clear cut - however you need proof/evidence.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 19/12/2013 13:06

There is NEVER a record or evidence of abuse! :-(

Original poster

tinker1235 · 19/12/2013 14:26

Thanks for advice.

There is a cs report, conclusion they found him controlling and there had been reports of verbal abuse & heavy drinking on his part. No concerns about me as a mother, only that at the time I was distressed. This was the tip of the iceberg. However at the time I said nothing and defended him, how wrong was I.

Sp to a dv worker today advised to seek legal rep and let him take me to court. Left a message for her to call me.
Have spoken to socilotor before with a dv worker. Long time ago now can't really remember much of what was said I was in a different state of mind then.

I have offered again & again for him to have more time with dc he never wanted it. He drinks and is very nasty in the way he can talk to dc. He is spiteful pinches to get his own way total control freak so as long as your doing as he wants your fine. Tells ds (3yr) that I'm stopping him seeing them I'm bad. That ds will go live with him which totally upset & distressed my ds. Calls me all sorts and is abusive around dc. That's y I want no face2face with him. He will push his way in my house. Even tho I ask him not to. Will come in my house when I'm not here.
He will drink drive, he would drink whilst dc are in his care. He drinks until he passes out has thumped me kicked me locked me in the house took away keys, phones, laptops so I can't get help when he has been drunk. I could not imagine him changing and not drinking around dc. I could go on and on with concerns and previous abuse towards me

OP posts:

Original poster

tinker1235 · 19/12/2013 14:32

New beginningssnoppy what do u mean?

OP posts:

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 19/12/2013 22:43

Well your case is really similar to mine. My ex was verbally abusive, controlling, would threaten me with violence (at which point I realised he needed to move out.)

The problem with my case has been that I've been oh so nice about contact the whole while (2+ years) despite the abuse against me and the children. It's because it takes us a while to recover, as you know yourself, and see things for what they really are. I was too afraid to go to police when my son told me about physical abuse (he wasn't actually hurt, just threatened in a frightening manner as I had been except worse) because I was intimidated by him. Now the courts ask me where is the proof? Where is the evidence? They have very little understanding of the psychology behind domestic violence. It is so hard to have hard evidence. That's why it's important to stand up for yourself right now. Don't wait for the courts to fight your corner. Get to the police and tell them everything. Consider a non molestation order. What he is doing and has done to you & kids is NOT OK!

Original poster

tinker1235 · 19/12/2013 23:02

Thank u for advice newbeginningsoppy. Is your case still ongoing in court? Does your ex see your dc? That's awful how his is with your dc, can't understand y the court won't stop him having access. It's scary.

I'm starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of him buillying me, verbal abuse physical, being a drunk, adultery & then leaving us. Do u think this can b used as evidence as well. It's hell I still have this part of me that thinks its me not him. I'm scared to go to police but think ill have to. He is pushing and pushing to see me. Do u see your ex due to child arrangements?

OP posts:

starlight1234 · 20/12/2013 23:13

A few things...Courts do deal in facts so you need to build up a documented case, this means reporting to Gp..Do take advise from Womens aid...

How is he getting in your house when you are not here? does he have keys if so you need to change locks.. If he pushes his way into the house it needs reporting to the police.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 21/12/2013 00:35

He has managed through lying to the court to get access. It's quite a lot now! It's awful. They manage to do this because we are weak, scared... Because the system is inherently sexist... Because they aren't afraid to lie... If you don't have proof, it's his word against yours. They don't listen to anything logical. They want to see it on paper. We're talking evidence. It's so hard. Yes it is ongoing.

YourHandInMyHand · 21/12/2013 08:52

Make sure you have an assigned support worker from Women's Aid or local DV agency that can support you and the dcs. Make reference to this in reports and statements. Take support worker with you to meetings and hearings.

Get in touch with DV team of local police, talk to them about previous incidents when you were too intimidated to speak up, and discuss his continuing harassment and threats. Ask if they have any crime/reference numbers from during your relationship. Ask about what you can do legally eg non molestation/injunction.

Go see a solicitor - ask WA for a recommendation. Get them up to speed and get advice. You may even want to pre-empt him and get a residency order or some such in case he decides not to return them.

I agree whole heartedly that you need to build a trail of evidence for if he does take you to court. He may well never do it but you need to be prepared just in case.

Original poster

tinker1235 · 21/12/2013 20:06

Thanks for all your advice.

Feeling scared about this. Wondering if I should give in now instead of going to court. If he could get more access and I'm sure he will say awful things about me like I'm a bad mum. Don't have the strength. It's all such a horrible situation. If its my word against his then he will be fine. He could make me believe anything. He charms people and is clever.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 21/12/2013 23:45

UsE the report you have

Report every incident to police

Go to gp and ask for help with ds referral to family therapist

No you dont have to see him hut you need to report to someone why you won't.

Or, if he intimidates you call police get it logged. They will hopefully decide to interview him. He may of course deny everything.,

If you know when he drinks and drives call police give them his car reg.

You could use mediation session to get proof of his behaviour as the mediator if good may record that mediation isn't working ...

It is difficult but report everything , to police to gp to solicitor etc Create a log and paper trail.
Only communicate by email so you have evidence of what has been discussed

Original poster

tinker1235 · 22/12/2013 16:36

I'm ignoring all calls & messages. Is that the best thing to do? I'm scared to do the wrong thing.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/12/2013 22:54

Yes
If you have an arrangement which is working ie visiting with his parents and from your point of view there is no need to change it then don't.

However if it goes to court you will need to give reasons why it should not change.
So log and report any incidents

Original poster

tinker1235 · 22/12/2013 23:38

Ok thanks for advice.

Ill offer him more time, he will say no. Then a few days b4 he will change his mind, start texting/calling asking to c them. Normally I would give in but this time I haven't. Ignoring all messages & calls. He will say I'm stopping him seeing them. When he has chose not to see them and instead chose another time that suits him I guess. Or just to carry on controlling. Do u think its ok that I've ignored him. He is seeing them b4 Xmas which has been arranged.

Also he was seeing dc in the house with me. This was awful he would expect food,drinks to lay on sofa watching tv while I waited on him. It was never good enough and he wasn't living with us or paying me any money to survive at this time. So I stopped feeding him & he would shout & be aggressive with me. I would try & pop out but he wouldn't let me. So then I stopped him coming round & asked his mum to. This is what he is trying to force me to do. Have face2face contact. Him & I alone to drop off dc. I don't want this all again. This is the other thing he is trying to take me to court about. Can he force me to do this?

OP posts:

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