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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anybody else never socialise with men (ever)

23 replies

XXalltheway · 14/12/2013 10:24

Luckily I like women, and I don't think things are any wiser or funnier because they were said by a man, but because i'm a single parent I never mix with couples (and all men are half of a couple), I don't know any single men, I'm too old to know single men I think! and even if I did, they and their wives wouldn't socialise with a single woman, anyway, the parents I am friendly with through my dc's school are all women. We go out sometimes and I like them! I'm not complaining. I just live in a world that is so female. It's like men don't exist. From time to time it feels a bit unbalanced, very occasionally I feel a bit stifled by it, not sure why, as I don't think more of men than of women. I guess it's just because 50% of people are male. Anybody else know what I mean?

OP posts:

Meglet · 14/12/2013 10:35

Me. But I don't socialise full stop.

I know a couple of SAHDs who I see on the school run and I work with a couple of blokes. But that's it. My world is predominately (sp?) female, which is a PITA as I'm not comfortable with all female groups after some nasty bullying at school. I often ponder over the fact that I don't speak to men very often.

Original poster

XXalltheway · 14/12/2013 11:10

Glad I'm not totally unusual in it! I'm the sort of person who could easily have totally platonic relationships with men.

When I was with my asshole of an xh, I was friendly with my various friends' husbands. Up to a point, obviously, it was all just chit chat, but mixed company occasionally.

Now I have been living in this all female World for 8 years. What got me thinking was the comments from some on Education about how "unnatural" it is to mix with only one sex (ie go to single sex schools). Well, unnatural or not, that's my World

I had an interview last week and there were a few men around, I was thinking if I get the job, it'll be the first time I'll have been in mixed company for years. I know it's not socialising (I don't care about that) it would just be interesting after so long.

OP posts:

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 14/12/2013 12:32

I think working with men kind of is socialising with them. Ah well! I'm in the same boat. Making an effort to have some male friends but its true that there's usually a sexual undercurrent isn't there?

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 14/12/2013 18:22

I dont think there is a sexual element with couples that socialise together. It's just mixed company. That is what is odd as a single woman , well for me anyway, never being in mixed company.

sillymillyb · 14/12/2013 18:27

I'm in the same boat too - I haven't gone back to work yet so I don't socialise with men there, and my best mate is gay, so even her partner is a woman. I love female company, but it does feel a bit weird not knowing anyone that forms 50% of the population! I also worry that my ds thinks men are a totally different species as he just doesn't know any!

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 14/12/2013 21:43

The only socialising I do is playdates, all women. I've moved so I don't really see my old male friends.

I started a college course recently. 100% female. They say it isn't usually just this year.

It does feel weird. Neighbour told me everyone would be wary of me speaking to their husbands once I got divorced and I think this has logded in my mind so I haven't really made an effort to befriend the partners.

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 14/12/2013 22:01

Yes, that's so true. I hang back from friendships with the husbands, and to be honest, 'friendships' would be overstating it. I am just careful not to be as friendly with their husbands as I am with them.

I think single women are more carefully watched! even when we never do anything

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 15/12/2013 08:20

That is so weird!!!!

Why would we want to get together with someone else's husband?!?! Especially a friend's husband?!?!

ShoeSmacking · 15/12/2013 08:31

Don't you have friends with husbands who you then see in group social situations? I only have one single mother friend but she still is invited to mixed gender events either with or without her dd depending on the occasion.

I think it's very sad if your married friends are only seeing you at "girls" events. Why wouldn't they continue to invite you to events with men and women present?

ShoeSmacking · 15/12/2013 08:34

To pick up on the comment re friendly with husbands, am I right in thinking op doesn't want to have active friends with these men, she just wants to live in a world in which they exist?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that forming a real friendship with someone else's husband is unlikely. Not because you are single but just because it's not appropriate. I have make friends but since dh and I got together I have not made any new close male friends. I meet lots of men through work etc and get in well but I am not having one on one dinners with them. That would just be weird.

YourHandInMyHand · 15/12/2013 08:41

Me too.

I'm a stay at home mum/carer to DS so no male colleagues, and my working background is childcare so even when I'm in work male colleagues are rare.

Play dates are with mums not dads. Family get togethers - my mum is single and my nan is widowed. Nights out are "girls nights", never invited to things with other couples (which I find quite ).

I do worry that it's weird for DS to have such little contact with men. Thankfully his primary school has a good portion of male teachers and staff which I'm glad of as it means he sees some positive male role models.

I love my female friends but actually prefer the straightforwardness of male friends - don't think I'll be making any any time soon though!

YourHandInMyHand · 15/12/2013 08:43

Shoesmacking yes I think that's what OP means and I am in exact same situation. It's like the presence of men has been vacuumed out of my life and its really odd!!

ShoeSmacking · 15/12/2013 08:46

Yourhand: did you get invited to "couple" things before you were a single mum? I honestly can't understand this attitude of people or inviting the single person. Have you ever asked your friends about it? (I know, not as easy conversation)!

I find that at events with whole families one of the great things is that often it's the men who will play indiscriminately with whichever child seems to want a game and I would think that friends with children especially would have no issue with yor dc getting a little tough and tumble in with whichever man had been given the kids-playmate role!

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 15/12/2013 10:22

I'm not talking 'one on one dinners' frienships either, just having a conversation about work, hobbies, parenting, the news, whatever on more than a superficial level.

I don't get invited to couple things but I moved here once I was a parent so I don't have a history of socialising with them.

It is probably also due to transport/babysitting issues, they presume I couldn't go. My friend's dd has severe SN and can't be left with anyone else but I invite her if I am doing something because I know it feels good to know someone has thought of you, even if you can't go.

YourHandInMyHand · 15/12/2013 20:34

Yes I did lots with other couples when I was part of one - camping weekends, bbqs, nights in, nights out, etc. They were mostly associates of his though and havent seen snything of any ofbthem since I left EA ex. I have friends in couples who I socialise with but only the women.

Original poster

XXAlltheway · 15/12/2013 21:32

Shoesmacking, you're right, no I'm not looking to have friendships with other women's husbands! all I meant is that as one poster put it so perfectly all men no matter how tenuous the connection have been vacuumed out of my world. I'm never invited to couple things no. As a rule that doesn't bother me but once in a while would be nice. If I did meet a man, he'd feel too male.

I used to socialise with couples when I was with my EA eh too. My friends disliked him but they put up with him for my sake. Now I've relocated, and newer friends (that do like me!) wouldn't be able for the lack of a man. It's all quite weird. I mean, society, it's still so conservative.

OP posts:

ShoeSmacking · 16/12/2013 08:09

I always in ire single friends to family type events but will be even more conscious of it now. This is ridiculous

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 16/12/2013 08:30

I often wonder about this.

I meet men through work, chat with some dads on the playground. ( though more often to mums), and mainly I meet men through sport.

I play tennis, mainly doubles, often mixed doubles too.

I would find it odd to just socialise with women, when I lived in a big city, and did not work or do sport ( sahm of little ones) i never mixed with men.

Anyway, I have brothers and sons and a husband at the moment, but I have friends who are divorcing and have tried to put myself in their shoes.

I would do a mixed activity like rambling ( if I was 60+), tennis, climbing. Etc. or choir as living in a female only world would not be my thing.

MumpireCallsTime · 16/12/2013 13:25

it's not my thing either! but here I am.

The sad thing is there are probably lots of men in the same boat. They don't necessarily want a girlfriend or that their friendships be with women rather than with men, they might be happy discussing the football with the men, as I am happy chatting with my female friends, but there is an absence of a sprinkling of men. Don't mean anything heavy.

Because of this thread I guess, I brought up the subject in passing with a married friend this morning but I can tell she misunderstood me. She said 'internet dating?'. That's not what I meant at all! I wasn't talking about romance, or sex.

SomePeopleNeedHelp · 16/12/2013 18:47

Yes I am a SAHM to a small one so there is not much freedom. I'd like to do a class or sport or something but I have to be flexible around my ex's work so can never commit to a weekly activity.

I'm hoping to pass my driving test soon, then I'll be able to look for a job. In a field dominated by women .

octopusinasantasack · 16/12/2013 18:53

OP, yes, I exactly get what you mean. I feel the same way, though I have a husband he is as much use as a chocolate teapot but he's the only man I know.

YourHandInMyHand · 20/12/2013 13:36

Octopusinasantasack if you have a husband your life isn't devoid of men - you live with one!

I have got to a stage now where if I am talking to a man e.g. the postie needs me to sign for something I am very aware that I am talking to a MAN. It's so weird! I always use to work in bars as a second job/income when younger, and when I lived with ex we had a busy sociable house due to having a games room out the back so men were always around. Now I can go weeks/months without having a proper conversation with a man bar the odd "morning" to any I pass by on school run/dog walk.

HerrenaHarridan · 21/12/2013 02:23

It's funny that whole couples not inviting the single person thing, it always make me think

"right what I really need in my life is the sort of low life I can lure away from his wife and kids with a short skirt. Hopefully once he's ditched them, taken my dd on as his own and got me pregnant with a sibling for her someone else can lure his wandering eye away from us! Perfect!"

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