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Original poster

How do I get children to want to stay at stbxh. Dd crying all the time

10 replies

Stillcomingtoterms · 13/12/2013 19:05

Can anyone give me advice.
Dh and I split up 8 weeks ago and we told dc early on to allow them time to come to terms with it. He moved out 4weks ago. We agreed he would have them Thursday night through to Saturday afternoon.
However whilst ds is fine with this, dd9 is struggling. I've been called twice to the school because she's made herself too upset to stay. She keeps saying she doesn't want to stay at dh because it's not her home and she wants to stay here.
I feel bad because I'm making her stay there. I don't want her to grow apart from dh and I wanted them to still be a family and dh have an active part in their lives. But I don't want to be the one making her so upset.

I really don't know what to do to make this better for her. She's making herself Ill by crying so much about it. But then his house won't feel like a home if she doesn't get used to being there.

Help please!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/12/2013 19:07

Why can't you follow her lead? Her life has been turned upside down and she doesn't have any control over it. Let her have control over this.

MincedMuffPies · 13/12/2013 19:12

My dds almost eight and I don't make her go to her dads if she doesn't want to. It's not that she doesn't want to see him it's more because she doesn't want to sleep over and wants to be with me. If he was nicer to her and didnt tell her off for every little thing it might be different.

queenofthepirates · 13/12/2013 20:13

Gentle, gentle, take it easy with this. Could the ex come and see the kids in your house for a bit? If not, slowly build up the contact away from home. It's obviously not suiting her and I would urge you to stop this arrangement straight away lest she become overwrought. It's too much for her to cope with and she's telling you so, so listen to her.

GinAndIt · 13/12/2013 20:19

Don't make her go. Let her deal with this new situation at her own pace. The worst thing you can do right now is force the issue. Her life is upside down, everything she knows has changed.

Don't take this the wrong way, because I've been where you are, but you can't just make a new family setup happen overnight. It takes time.

Smartiepants79 · 13/12/2013 20:21

Whilst I have no experience of separations myself it seems to me that 4 weeks is not very long. She has had no time at all to come to terms with this. I would suggest it is far too soon to be expecting her to just happily go and stay in a house is not her own. Her entire life has just been turned upside down. I would perhaps suggest a more gentle introduction to the changes in her life. One day at a time with Dad until she is happier then one night at a time.

teenagetantrums · 13/12/2013 20:30

My DD was 10 when i split up with ex, she never really liked staying at his new lace, he used to go after school have dinner and i would pick her up on the way home, she just wanted to be here with her stuff and in her room. she is 17 now, they still have an 'ok' relationship, to be honest he was never much of a dad, but she still sees him for dinner once a month or so. My son was older he stayed there fine from the start, he loved it. I wouldnt force her to stay if she doesnt want to.

Minime85 · 13/12/2013 20:40

in a very similar situation. h left 5 weeks ago. we've had lots of tears tonight from youngest re daddy not living here. eldest dd (8) does not want to stay at his house as she feels its too strange and I'm not there etc. youngest sees it as exciting but that's the theory. we haven't got to the reality yet. I won't make her go at all. so far we have compromised that they go there for tea and for day at weekend then come home. a few times he has stayed to put them to bed to try and maintain that.

I'd try compromising. she needs to be reassured she's safe and that's what you represent for her. I wouldn't push it until she is ready. maybe casually try to calm her fears too. be positive about it being an adventure etc

paneer · 13/12/2013 23:50

i think it is still very early days. Can she try spending the day with dad and then he drop her home. Then gradually build up so she stays a night and then build up from that?

It is a difficult time for all. Take it easy for all of you Brew

Original poster
Stillcomingtoterms · 15/12/2013 21:13

Thanks all.

I'm really lucky that he's a great dad and has tried To make it seem like an adventure and make it home for her. I know he would be gutted not to spend time with her. As we knew he would be moving, we all went and chose the house together and they helped by furniture etc. just in the hope they could get used to the idea first.

We've spoken to dd and she said she doesn't want to stay there 2nights a week on the trot so for now we've asked her which night she would like to stay and she chose a Tuesday and Friday. Over the Xmas hols she will prob stay there just once a week anyway as she will see a lot of him at our house. I hope your all right that with time she will start to settle more.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/12/2013 11:32

if he is coming to see her at your house she has no reason or motive to go see him at his does she?

so you could focus on seprating more explicitly set the boundaries - dad has his place, you have yours. except maybe on special occasions like a birthday.

if she is making herself ill go to GP and ask for referral to play therapist/family therapist to talk things thru with her.

some places have chil psychologists you canhave a phone consultation with - ask .

also read how to talk... it has some useufl tips

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

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