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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

New Here - Advice Welcome

8 replies

LivelySoul · 13/12/2013 10:17

Hi Guys

New to this forum just looking for a bit of advice.

I am a single Mummy to a 2.5 year old little girl.

Unfortunately visitation has broken down completely between DD and her Dad. He has had very sporadic contact with DD but most recently had been seeing her fortnightly for a few hours (I supervised visitation).

Since I left with DD when she was 7 weeks old I have always remained on good terms with ex's family. He lives with his Mum and through the worst she always came to visit DD at our house.

I am worried about telling her that her son isn't seeing his daughter anymore. I doubt very much he has told her and if he has he will most likely have twisted or fabricated a story which will make it seem like I am pulling contact. I do have text messages which prove otherwise though although the content is something which I would really rather not have to show her as it is pretty vile and would break any Mum's heart to see what her son is really like.

When I say we have remained on good terms we have had periods where there were strong disagreements and a lot of upset always due to her defending her son and blaming me when she has asked about the situation (although her daughter has told me that her Mum in fact does know why I have done what I've done and can't blame me). I have at time been guilty of omitting certain aspects of the break down of ex and my relationship. The reason for this is I find some of it very hard to talk about and have only really told my parents and one close friend everything that happened.

I am worried that this will push our relationship back again once more. I really want to avoid this as DD loves spending time with her.

What is the best way to approach this with her?

I know this post is maybe not easy to understand, it's so hard not to write a novel explaining everything haha (I'd be here all day) so if there are any question, go for it. Happy to answer. :-)

OP posts:

Theoldhag · 13/12/2013 11:40

Hi and welcome!

With regards to your ex's family I would advocate that you are not drawn into any discussion with regards to your ex. Keep it light and focused on your dd. you do not have to justify anything to them, if they persist then remove yourself from the situation. His families dramatics are nothing to do with you.

Secondly have you a Court Order for access, outlining what is expected of him? If not it is worth looking into doing this along side going to csa for any maintainance that your dd is entitled to. This way you do not have to have any communication with your ex unless it is just updates about your dd. Many people find that these boundaries put in place are hugely helpful.

I am sorry that you have obviously had a tough time from him in the past, you may find that posting about your situation extremely helpful even though you have been able to talk to nearest and dearest irl. Sometimes it can be easier to talk to others that have been in similar situations..... The relationships forum is fab for that.

I hope that this issue can be resolved to your satisfaction, I always keep in mind that we only have control over ourselves ultimately and how we respond or not is entirely up to us. Your ex has chosen his path, he has chosen to be the type of father he is, there really is not much you can do about it.....sadly.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 13/12/2013 11:46

I am worried about telling her that her son isn't seeing his daughter anymore

Why would you tell her? If she mentions anything, prepare a suitably vague and non-committal response like "He sees her when he can but I understand it's hard sometimes"

What is the best way to approach this with her?

You don't, IMO.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 13/12/2013 11:49

Thanks for your response. Sorry I should of said, he has decided he wants no contact at all with DD now... I am actually fine with this, he has dropped in and out of her life but I have always supported contact. In fact in the summer I was the one who brought up trying contact again. The reason I did this was I felt it was the last time to do it that if he decided again he didn't want DD in his life she wouldn't actually remember.

There is no court order in place and when he signed our divorce paperwork it actually said there was no contact. He has issues with alcohol and drugs which spiraled while I was pregnant and from what I can gather have not improved in the two and bit years since I left him.

It's not that i have an issue with his Mum knowing I just don't want it to cause any problems between her and I as obviously it will create a difficult situation for her to see her granddaughter as it is always at my house.

I have considered CSA, I have never had a penny off ex and for a long time he wasn't working or working cash in hand. He now seems to be holding down a job although for how long is anyone's guess. Do you think I should contact CSA even though he has decided not to see DD? I obviously know he has a financial obligation whether he see's her or not but my concern is this will give him yet another excuse for the abusive messages to start up yet again.

Thanks again and sorry for the mammoth response haha.

OP posts:

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 13/12/2013 11:52

In which case I'd just say something like "He's welcome to see her whenever he can/wants" . But I'd still only do it if the subject came up.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 13/12/2013 11:54

Why would you tell her? If she mentions anything, prepare a suitably vague and non-committal response like "He sees her when he can but I understand it's hard sometimes"

Hi, ok I obviously haven't written the original post very well. When I left I moved to a flat close to his and my own parents. Not long after I moved he left what was our martial home and moved back home with his parents as he got kicked out of the place we were. All contact has been at his parents house so they will know that contact has stopped but I don't know what reason he will have told them.

Previously he has been very twisted about explanations to his Mum regarding contact failing. Because of this I am concerned she will have a warped view of what has happened. I don't want to tell her the in's and out's but was thinking of letting her know we wouldn't be back to see him but would be happy to go when he is at work in order for DD to see her Grandfather... Also it was arranged to go over boxing day, I don't think it's fair to not inform her we're not going when she will most likely be looking forward to it...

OP posts:

Original poster

LivelySoul · 13/12/2013 11:57

I can't really say that as he is no longer welcome to see our daughter when he can or wants due to the fact he has made it impossible for me to supervise contact.

If at any point in the future he wants contact he will have to go through a court...

OP posts:

Theoldhag · 13/12/2013 12:01

Csa and contact are two separate issues, one is not dependent on the other. I hear ya re drink and drugs

You sound like a caring and lovely person, your dd is lucky to have you . But you do not have to tell his family anything, time will show them what sort of father he is.

Original poster

LivelySoul · 13/12/2013 12:12

Thank you. Sometimes it's lovely to hear that someone thinks that. They already know if truth be told but I guess as his mother she will always try to back his corner. I know from what her daughter has told me that she hates what he's done.

I will be seeing her today so will maybe just see if she says anything and leave it till next time to broach arrangements for her to see DD over Christmas.

Thanks ladies

OP posts:

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