DS almost 18, how to support him as dad wont contact him

[MaitlandGirl]

My eldest is coming up 18 (not quite sure how that happened as I'm sure its only yesterday that we left the hospital with him!) and I've been separated from the kids dad for nearly 9 years (he left the day after DS was 9).

For the 10mths after we separated he saw the kids very sporadically and always with his new gf, they saw him about 10 times in 10 mths and haven't had any contact with him for 9 years now.

Their dad has since married the gf (tried to commit bigamy but was caught out) and had 3 children with her. We emigrated to Australia 4 years ago and he didn't make any attempt to see the children or phone them before we left. I tried and tried but he wouldn't reply to my emails and I don't know where he lives or have a phone number for him.

Anyway (sorry its taken so long to get to the actual point of this post) DS is 18 in just less than a months time. I know he's stressing about his dad not having anything to do with them over the past 9 years, and birthdays are always hard for him but I don't want this to totally overshadow his 18th. He's had a tough couple of years healthwise and he's been so looking forward to his birthday in the hope that his dad contacts him (as 18 is really special) but I know he won't.

I'm so frustrated I could shake the idiot ex but that won't achieve anything.

How do you deal with yet another disappointed birthday?

Tell him that sometimes people make choices in life that they consider are for the best but that even after many years they want to reconsider, they feel they can't because they have set off on a different path and don't feel they can turn back.

You cannot speak for his dad and say that perhaps he does think if him, lying is cruel. All you can do is say that his dad has lost out.

If your son wants to contact his father, support him and be there for him if he is rejected.

my ds is 11 and his father left when he was 3 and he's starting to feel the abandonment. I used to lie to ds saying "daddy loves you, he's busy, he's thinking of you..." But now he's old enough to know its a load of baloney. Don't really know what to advise. You cant control their dads and it does not sound like he's coming back but its so hurtful for children and makes me sad and angry for ds. Maybe that's just how life is but its very hard for a child to have such a loss especially as he must remember him if he left when he was 9. Be prepared for him to go and look for him. In these days of facebook etc he will find him and his new family. But what reception he will get - welcomed back or another rejection - or whether they will be able to reconnect can't be predicted but likely to be a rocky road.