Need advice on handling this situation with exp/his girlfriend

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Ds is 4 and has taken about a year to get the hang of toilet training. Wees were no problem. Poos a lot more difficult. Eventually about two months ago it just seemed to click with him and he hasnt looked back (as far as i knew!) then exp sent me.a text at the weekend demanding to know what i was doing about sorting his toilet issue and stating that he sends him back to me toilet trained after the weekends he has him (eow) but that hes back to pooing in his pants when he arrives with him again. This was news to me as ds has been accident free for two months and i assumed this was the same at exps house. I told exp this and suggested that perhaps it was something that was happening at his house that was creating the issue and reminded him of the time that his girlfriend put ds on the naughty step and shouted at him for pooing his pants in march. Exp didnt respond to this. I said that when here ds gets only praise and a small treat for pooing in the toilet, i do NOT do negative consequences for accidents. Exp said thats what happens at his house too. Although i doubted this.

So ds came home on sunday and hasnt pooed since until today when he was hiding in the understairs cupboard and refusing to use the toilet even though it was clear he needed to. My friend who was here at the time was shocked as she has seen how well he has done lately. Then this evening he woke from his sleep in tears of pain and crossing his legs refusing to use the toilet i talked him into using the potty and he did a massive poo that must really have hurt him.

Ds1(8) was still awake so when ds2 was back in be i asked him what happens at dads when ds1 poos himself. He said that dad and girlfriend are cross with him and he gets sent to bed. I asked who sends him to bed and he said dads girlfriends. I asked if anyone shouts at him and he says yes girlfriend does, she says things like "whats wrong with you? Are you a baby?" And that ds is scared of her and cried.

Quite honestly i am fuming and right now want to tell exp that the dcs wont be back in that house for her to shout at them but i know that isnt practical as they want to see their dad but realistically this is not acceptable. What do i do or say to exp? I have to make it clear that this cannot happen again. They have set his toilet training back so far by shouting at him and stressing him out when he was doing so well.

Sorry for mammoth post i am so angry.

I had also posted this in behaviour and development but realise its probably less that and more an exp issue.

No advice I'm afraid, but wanted to say I can see why you're angry about this.

say you be spoken to eldest and he says different. ask exp first what reality is and see what he says.

I think u and exp need to be clear on how much you want girlfriend to be involved in care and discipline.

I would be careful of saying ds1 has dobbed them in, god knows what will be the consequences for him.

(Perhaps you could get some little people and do some funny "Oooh I need a poo!" "I'm scared to go!" play acting and see if he starts playing out being punished etc.)

My first move would be to go to gp, hv, nursery, anyone involved with ds2 and get your concerns on record and their opinion of how he is doing. Write a diary of his poo issues so it is bloody obvious that he is set back each time he comes back from dad's. You may need this evidence if you decide to stop overnights for a while.

My ds took a while to get poos and then started witholding when he started nursery a couple of months later. It was heartbreaking having him crying in pain but refusing to try to get it out. I talked to him about how poo has to come out, it can make you ill to hold it in. I have to admit I let him poo in the bath for a few nights, I told him poo should go in the toilet but if he can't manage he can do it in the bath. Then he would tell me he needed to go so I could whip him out onto the toilet. He's fine now but won't wash his bloody hands

Just remembered, HV told me to put a nappy on him just to do the poo in but he didn't want one.

I would tell your ex there will be no more overnight visits until this issue is put to bed.

On a more personal note I would have the girlfriend up against the wall telling her I would pull her spine out if she shouts at my child again for such a small thing.

But that isn't helpful so please ignore.

I thought the same as you gamerchick! I would be livid.

No wonder he is having trouble if she 'handles' it in that way.

Thanks for replies.

Yes we had a period of pooing in the bath and then he moved on to telling me whilst in the bath that he needed to go so i lifted him out onto the toilet.

Good idea to keep a diary of his toileting.

And also to try role playing with figurines.

I have no problem with both of them enforcing their house rules in their house, she should be able to insist on good behaviour in her own home, its the appropriateness of what she is doing that worries me. Its not healthy association to give a child for toilet training that it means shouting and sent to bed or put in naughty step. The fact that i know ds has completely trained, in that he can take himself to the toilet, clean his bum and wash his hands and has been doing it reliably for two months and then suddenly goes back to withholding to the point of tears and hiding tells me this isnt a blip in his development. He had it completely sorted. Its clear that what happened at his dad's at the weekend has had a hugely negative impact on him.

Gamer it was my first reaction too that i am trying very hard to work past. Especially when ds1 got upset saying "you shouldnt say things like that to just a small boy" even he knows its not right.

I would also see the gp and get something prescribed. they are very keen to get things soft and moving in children before they really develop an issue.

Wearing my proffesionals hat I would recommend that you take a look at the Eric website for help and support.I suggest that you get ex and his girlfriend to take a look as well.
Wearing my mummy hat I'm fuming on you lo behalf. Your ex is being emotionally abusive and allowing his girlfriend to be abusive too.When my exes gf became abusive Ivisited a solicitor and got a strongly worded letter sent to ex outlining my concerns.Because the abuse became so bad he was not allowed contact in their home he had to see them else where.it caused problems for access but, he made his choice I feel and still feel that dads sometimes put their own needs before those of the children and need reminding that in family law at least the best interests of the children are paramount not the dads need to maintain his relationship with an abusive partner.

Does exps gf have kids? i.e. is she behaving like this based on how she herself has parented? or does she not really gets kids and see having kids pooing as inconvenient.

Either way, exp needs to sort this out with her. apart form the fact it is not in the best interest of ds, which is of course the paramount concern, it is not in her best interest. She obviously does not want him pooing his pants so she should not react in a way that makes it more not less likely.

possibly if it could somehow be put to them like that without getting their backs up (not that I am saying you should have to pussyfoot around them, they are in the wrong but some people are stupid and stubborn). basically say, if you don't want him to set back his toilet training then you need to stop shouting at him. you have to tell him it is ok if he has an accident, otherwise he will keep having accidents and you also need to make going to the toilet not an intimidating experience. he is maybe having so much fun sometimes that he holds it in too long and then cannot get to the toilet in time so you need to remind him to go now and again. (not that an adult should need that explained to them).

Hope you get it exp sorted.

Hi, thanks for later replies, sorry i am only getting back to this now.

Well i am very relieved to say that ds is happily back to using the toilet independently and without any stress or upset at all. Cant say how relieved i am as i thought it might take a long time to undo the damage done at the weekend at exp's.

I have contacted exp and said that we need to have a serious discussion about how ds has been treated by both himself and his girlfriend and that dcs wont be returning to his house until the situation has been resolved. I asked when suits him to meet But have had no response yet.

During a visit to the bathroom i talked with ds2 about what happens at daddy's house when he needs the toilet and he said that he doesnt like doing poos at daddy's house because if he poos in pants daddy shouts and sends him to bed and if daddy is at work then girlfriend shouts and sends him to bed. This is obviously something they have both decided is their plan of action in dealing with accidents.