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Original poster

Presents for Dcs Dad

25 replies

IneedAwittierNickname · 10/12/2013 15:06

Hi all, I am asking this in both lone and step parents so that I can get a good range of responses.

I want to know who, in your opinion, is responsible for providing a Christmas present for the other parent?

When I was a child (of divorced parents) my Mum made sure we had a card/present for my Dad, and vice versa.This to me, seems like a fair, and logical solution, so is the format I have followed.

My ex and I separated last year, and he didn't get me anything for my birthday (from the DC I mean) or Christmas. I, OTOH, bought him a Fathers day present and took him out for lunch, and bought a birthday present at the DCs request.

Then at Christmas the Dc asked if we could buy Daddy something, so we did. Only right IMO. But, when I gave it to him, he said "huh, you shouldn't have bothered, NP (new partner) got me something from the boys"
And when Dc asked him if they could go and get me something, he said "No, that's not my job".

So who's job is it? I don't have a new partner, so his logic there is flawed. And his partner bought and wrapped something the DC had never even seen 'from them', she even wrote in a card from them, despite them never having seen it Confused (DC were 8 and 6 Christmas last year, so not too small to write themselves BTW)

Sorry, thats become rather long! And just to clarify, I'm not a jealous bitter ex, neither am I grabby and moaning about lack of presents (although I am very aware that thats how it looks). Its just that the DC have already asked if we can go and buy Daddy something for Christmas, and I feel that as the other parent to his DC I should. But the child in me says why should I, when he won't have afforded me the same courtesy. And if I do, which I will for the DC, he effectively gets 2 presents from them, and I get none. Xmas Sad

OP posts:
KingRollo · 10/12/2013 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sasquatch75 · 10/12/2013 22:10

Yes it is his job, the selfish git. While your kids are too young to go out and buy something for you themselves, it's up to him to help them with that.

You are so the bigger person here.

Daddyofone · 10/12/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IneedAwittierNickname · 10/12/2013 22:27

Thanks everyone,

Yes ex is an arse!

OP posts:
lostdad · 11/12/2013 12:33

It's not about the other parent, it's about the children. Simple as that.

It makes our DS happy to give his Mum a present - he is excited to choose, wrap and give it to her. I pay for it but for his sake, not hers.

17leftfeet · 11/12/2013 12:40

I buy my ex a present with the dcs because I feel it's important for them to learn to give

My mum colludes with the dcs to get me something from the dcs because my ex is a selfish twerp

kinkyfuckery · 11/12/2013 12:42

If your DC are asking to buy him a gift and are unable to arrange it themselves, then you would be the better person to step up and help them do it.

Blondie1969 · 11/12/2013 14:00

my ex last week said i could no longer look after the children fifty fifty (after 18 months of being separated. ). Despite me thinking my ex is terrible for depriving me of time from my children. I will still take the kids (10 and 6) when i next have them to buy a present and a card for them to give for Xmas Day.

This is because the right thing is for children to buy a present that their mum will like.

My ex's attitude is to just buy whatever is the cheapest book in the shop.I wish she would buy something the kids would actually see me using but the kids get excited about seeing me open whatever ex has bought for me.

Your ex is being very selfish.

KellyEllyMincePieBelly · 16/12/2013 16:26

I used to get my ex something from DD for birthdays, xmas, Fathers Day etc but after a couple of years of him not even getting a card for me from DD I don't bother.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 16/12/2013 17:03

My ex has spent over 2 years being nasty and lying to the courts about treatment of the DC so I'm sorry if I'm not really in the Christmas spirit! He never buys me anything at all, ignores mybirthday and no Christmas presents. Actually he did get me a birthday present from the kids this year but not the thing the kids wanted to buy me, something he chose himself. So I exchanged it and paid the extra for the thing they wanted to buy me as I didn't want a gift he had chosen for me, thank you very much! He prob only bought something to assuage his guilt. The first year we were separated, I spent £100 on a Christmas gift and £20 on a birthday gift for him. Last year I have him a token £5 gift from the DC for Christmas and he got me absolutely nothing from them. I think he's utterly horrible. Makes me sick even thinking of giving him a present, whether its from the DC or not. I know that makes me sound not very nice but hey, forgiveness takes a while and he has gone no way towards helping me forgive him.

NewBeginningsSnoopy · 16/12/2013 17:07

Sorry too busy thinking of my own vile ex to comment on yours! :-)

I think you should choose something for yourself- from the kids iyswim- if you gave them options, they could choose, you could buy it then they could wrap it up for you & hide it.

Keeps him safely out of the equation!!! Happy Christmas to all the LPs by the way :-)

HedgehogsRevenge · 16/12/2013 17:24

Well seeing as the gf has taken it upon herself to buy gifts from your dc I would be tempted to send a little letter with the dc saying you're grateful she's taken this task on and attach a list of expensive things the dc would like to give their dad.
Oh and I'd probably buy one of those mahoosive cards from the dc too.
Are you close to your parents? Might be an idea to suggest they get you a little something for the dc to give you, that's what mine do.

Monetbyhimself · 16/12/2013 18:24

Ex takes the children shopping to buy him his presents. He generally steers them towards 'worlds greatest dad' mugs and tat. Self indulgent nob Grin

Minime85 · 16/12/2013 20:06

its our first yr separated.we've agreed a budget and will each take DDS shopping so they can choose something to give. if my h hadn't wanted to I would have given my parents the money to do the same. I have h birthday too before Christmas so double whammy!

if he won't agree I would just get a token gift for DC to give. do as you would want to be done by. and do it for the kids. be the better person.

sandiy · 21/12/2013 22:07

It's just been my birthday.I gave my children money to buy me something at our local shops.Theres not much choice and I got eclectic gifts but,they absolutely loved doing it.I think that's what I will do in future it takes anything personal out of the equation.(I hate having to be greatful to him)
Saying that I bought a load of dad gifts for the children to wrap and leave for their dad.But that was for there sakes not his.
I think it's less stressful if you don't have to rely ex for too much then your feelings don t get hurt.

starlight1234 · 22/12/2013 20:45

My Ds gets £10 a fortnight of EX h so I don't buy anything but have to say in your position I would tell kids step mum has done something...

cls77 · 24/12/2013 12:49

My ex is the same, never bothered when he was with me with DD mothers day, birthday or christmas so certainly wouldnt now. DD asks me to get her D a pressie, so I do, FOR HER, not the miserable shit of an ex Xmas Grin

cls77 · 24/12/2013 12:50

DD wanted to get me a christmas card this year (shes 11) so chose one and added it to our shopping at the supermarket. Lovely lady in Tesco hid it for her, I paid for it, but DD was so pleased that she had chose it and wrote it all before I was able to see it. How it should be :)

Original poster
IneedAwittierNickname · 24/12/2013 21:46

My mum took the dc shopping, and I had lots of lovely presents, (we did presents today before they went to their dads). The problem wasn't so much that I wouldn't get anything, if my mum hadn't stepped in I would have sent them in the shop with some money, but more just that it seems so unfair iyswim.

Anyway, I took the dc in town, and let them pick a present for their dad, ds2 insisted he wanted a pack of handkerchiefs! (ex is not a hanky kind of man). Anyway they were delighted with their purchases, I spent less than a tenner total, so all happy.

Then this evening, I had a text from the gf...

"look ineed you need to accept the fact that me n d r 2geva. He dusnt want u back n neva will so y did u feel the need 2 buy him presents? I have got stuff 4 the kids 2 give him so back off."

Wtf! I asked the dc if she had taken them out to get presents, they said no so I assumed she hadn't! But apparently, taking the dc out to buy their dad something means I want him back.

Madness! Ah well. Hopefully he will be gracious enough to accept the presents tomorrow and pretend he loves them.

Merry Christmas to you all

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 25/12/2013 12:31

If it's about the DC but you still feel pissed off at buying the ex something, then I'd go for one of 2 options. Give the DC a fiver and let them go mad in the pound shop or get them to make cakes/cookies or similar. The latter costs only pennies so is my preferred option. This year my ex got a load of tat from the £ shop as I didn't have time for making cookies. DD was chuffed with the haul she got in £ shop and enjoyed wrapping it all up.

This year, my ex isn't working so he's not even bought DD anything, never mind me from her. My mum does that now so I don't need to wonder/DD gets to feel good about buying me something. My ex is, however, going out this w/e, and mysteriously the money his dad always sends DD for Xmas hasn't been mentioned by him. Hmm

I've given up expecting anything of ex at Xmas. The writing was on the wall the year he bought DD a bike, didn't check it was OK, turned out a pedal was missing and he took bike back (after DD knew she had it) but kept the money for a new year night out, and never did replace the bike. Or buy anything in its place for Dd.

Some people just don't deserve anything at Xmas, and yet I still go through the motions for DD's sake.

Keletubbie · 25/12/2013 12:35

We're very civilized here. My DD is 6 and my XP and I still exchange gifts 'from her'. We buy each other a few gifts we know the other will like. We opened them together at our place this morning, and now he's taken her off to his parents to give me and my new partner some time to pack to go away to his in laws tonight...

makemineapinot · 26/12/2013 22:28

I always let mine from about 2 yo go to the £1 shop and buy for immediate family. After we split I continued to do that as dc (6&5 at time if split) loved it as a Christmas tradition and loved the freedom of choosing. Now they are older it is totally up to the, - I will provide the money for a card and present fir their dad if they want to send him something even tho he is a shut and won't see/speak to them (over 3 years). Ds always sends something but dd has refused for 2 years. Gear and his choice. Ex sends extremely extravagant presents (not always appropriate - eg Ben 10 fir a 12 year old) but has never once thought to make sure they have something for me, or pay maintenance! Kids appreciate what I do, even more as they have got older. I also make sure they choose something for ex pil even tho we never see them or speak unless I make the effort. I do it for my dc and do confess to quietly snorting at some of the chosen gifts fir ex as I know he'll be raging!! Fart fans and such like as he'll want designer gear!!

makemineapinot · 26/12/2013 22:33

My parents take them shopping for my gifts vid they know they want to. My ex makes me sick but don't ever ever want his lying and conniving to get to my dc later as emotional teenagers. They know I have always put them first and well above my feelings for ex twat.

Monetbyhimself · 26/12/2013 23:11

She sounds well pissed off innit. Now duz you get da msg and back off bitch ? Grin

Let's hope she doesn't get involved with helping with the kids homeworks Wink

Original poster
IneedAwittierNickname · 26/12/2013 23:23

Monet Grin I wouldn't shag him again if he were the last man on earth tbh!

They refuse to do homework with the dc, apparently they don't agree with it Hmm and as her dc don't get any, she doesn't see why mine should!

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