My ex is becoming a bully and unreasonable (I think)

[Notcontent]

Just need some objective views on whether my exH is being as horribly unreasonable as I think he is.

Basically ex left us as soon as my dd was born, to be with someone else. I guess on average he sees her once every three weeks or so. Dd is. Ow 7. We don't have a court order re access and just always kept things flexible. I have always actively encouraged dd to spend time with her father but the reason why she doesn't see him that often is that he has his own new life, always away for work, and in fact was away for about 12 months overseas for work.

Last year he made plans to take her away for Xmas and new year without consulting me. In fact i first found out about it when dd told me. It was very upsetting as I had already made family plans for us but in the end I agreed to it.

Dd has now told me that he has told her that she will be coming to him for Xmas. I am obviously more than a bit surprised by this!!! Dd is very upset as she wants to spend Xmas with me. She keeps asking me abou it.

I am angry because he is not being fair and I know that he will eventually email with his plans and try to bully me into agreeing not to spend Christmas with my dd.

Hi Notcontent
Could you email him first and say politely that as he had last Xmas obviously your DD will be spending this Xmas with you but if he would like to see her Boxing Day or at another time to let you know? Don't wait for him to "tell" you when he will be seeing your DD. Flexibility is great for you, him and your DD as long as it works in all your favours. if its always you being flexible then that's not fair.

My exh is like this. Everything is on his terms only and if I try to say no then I am stopping him seeing his child and evil. He also would prefer to not see his son regularly but I don't think that this is in DS's favour so now he sees him once a month.

Don't be bullied. People can only bully you if you let them. My exh tries and now becomes abusive when I wont stand for it. Its tough when you are putting your child first and the other parent isn't.

Grumpy - that's exactly it - everything is on his terms and if I try to say no to anything, I am evil.

It used to work fine, but recently not because he sees dd little, has had zero input into her upbringing, but then every so often makes plans without talking to me about it.

I guess I need to be strong - but I hate conflict and I just want everything to be nice and happy...

If it works for you that way generally then keep going with it but be strong on the things that count. Can you imagine next having Xmas with your DD ever because he plans with out telling you? That's not fair on her or you.

It isn't you making things awkward because you want to be fair and special occasions Xmas/birthday etc should be shared if possible but that works both ways.

Stay strong x

Thank you for the support.
I actually don't often go to the lone parents section of mumsnet, because I try not to dwell too much on my status (although it preoccupies me much of the time).
But it does make me feel better to know that I am not the only one struggling with these issues.

I also had an Ex who wanted to kerp things flexible i.e I do as he says. Lots of back history of abuse but I understand how frustrationg it is. I think the email wording above is perfect. Be very clear that DD will be staying at home this year. Depending on his reaction ,you may need to formalise things more in the future.

Have just done a post on this - sounds like someone I used to know! Mr Unreliable and extremely upsetting for you and your DD. Best of luck in fronting up to him www.heirraising.com