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Original poster

How not to hate exH

8 replies

summermovedon · 05/12/2013 07:43

It is 19 days until xmas and he still hasn't mentioned seeing his children. I calculated he has had them 11 days in just under 500, last for a weekend in August (visit before that was Easter). But he posts (very old) photos of them on his fb and people comment about what a good dad he is (so I am told, I defriended him) and he tries to ring them nearly daily (drives me mad, I can't shake the feeling that is just to control me as I have to be in, as the children aren't all that interested in chatting on the phone to a dad they never see). He is young, fit, healthy and only lives a 3 hour drive (and yes can definitely afford the fuel, plus is off on jollies abroad every so often) and as I have told him the children have school holidays every 6 weeks or so. I even sent the dates.

But I sat down last night and realised I don't know whether I am more scared he takes them over xmas or not, I just don't trust him anymore. He just doesn't seem to care about them. (He does have a drink problem, but functional and lives with his parents). The children miss him though and it breaks my heart that he is doing this. I can't plan anything, as I want him to see them if he decides to. I really wish that I had chosen a father better for them Sad.

I am just ranting really....

OP posts:
CheckedPjs · 05/12/2013 10:35

Plan!! If he was that bothered about seeing his kids then he'd be biting your arm off trying to see them like every other week!

Don't let him ruin your christmas because he's to selfish. Make the plans and if he wants to see the DC's just say that because he's failed to make contact you have made plans however these days are free.

cestlavielife · 05/12/2013 22:53

Arrange to visit his parents then if he turns up fine and if not at least your dc have seen their grandparents. Stop putting yourself out for ex.

Original poster
summermovedon · 06/12/2013 07:19

Thanks. I see what are you are saying. Unfortunately, his parents are very angry with me and blame me for the breakup of the marriage (we divorced, his (abusive) unreasonable behaviour). I tried very hard to try and set up weekly skype with his parents and the children and that fell apart, as grandma stopped being there when she had arranged and the children were disappointed, so I left it open and she has not tried again. So driving to them is not a good option for me, it feels hostile and unsafe, as well as I am not really able to afford it as every penny I have I use on the children - food, heating, school dinner. I know - excuses excuses, and I am predisposed to feeling guilty and shit about not being superhuman.

OP posts:
iloveweetos · 06/12/2013 07:30

Sounds like my ex! No plan for Xmas hols. Last year he had her for new year but was organised last minute and pushed by myself. Have moved away from my parents so want to go there for New Years.
Just annoying they don't think of these things. Summer holidays contact was organised due to me forcing the issue after the hols had started. He wouldn't have had her otherwise. When does it get too late for organising and I say well I've made plans?

CheckedPjs · 06/12/2013 10:44

If it where me I'd make plans so if you make plans for march to take DC to the zoo and he wants them say sorry I've made plans however you can have then such a such date once you start cancelling and moving your plans more often than not they expect you to do it everytime

BlackeyedSusan · 07/12/2013 14:51

arrange what you want to arrange. he can have them around the times you have ranged. if he complains, state that he needs to arrange these things in advance. do it by email so there is evidence that you are not being obstructive.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 09/12/2013 14:37

Rant away and make plans for you and your DC, do something you all want to do and make it special for you. His loss. You cannot change your X and, unfortunately, your DCs will realise what he is so make it special for them and don't give him a second thought.

I am fuming because XP has just changed the dates he wants to have DS over christmas and like you, I wish I'd chosen a better father for DS but I didn't know at the time that he would be like this.

Deep breaths and concentrate on you and your life with your DCs Thanks

Original poster
summermovedon · 11/12/2013 19:31

I like the "Deep breaths and concentrate on you and your life with your DCs". I will really work on that! We're seeing family and booked the panto and I am so unbelievably grateful every day I get to be part of their lives!

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