My ex is basically an abusive arse when it comes to me. I have had a DA worker involved with me and the children for 16 months due to his bullying and manipulative behaviour, so this is not simply an 'I don't like him/feel resentful' situation - he is demonstratively abusive and it's on record.
I say that as I think the context is important to my question.
In a nutshell, I've steadily decreased my contact with him over the last year to the point where he collects the DC from my parents house for his contact (e.o.sat/sun and e.o.mon). He returns them to my parents at the end of contact.
I used to email him about their week every thurs, tell him about all activities, Drs Appt etc but have been advised not to continue by the DA worker as he either didn't acknowledge them, or responsded in a very critical/unpleasant manner. Essentially he only gets in contact to criticise me, my parenting, imply the DC have problems I'm not dealing with, and frequently to imply he will soon try to get them to move in with him and his OW DP full time or 50/50 asap. Despite suggesting he thinks they are better off with him, he does not call them, ever. When they are sick he emails several days later to say something like 'I trust they are on the mend' etc. Never to ask if they or I need anything, or if he can help in any way. Financially the CSA deal with maintenance.
So with all that background (didn't want to dripfeed) I need some advice. In the past 3 weeks he's complained bitterly that my poor communication is preventing him from parenting etc etc and believes I should attend mediation with him, but won't say what for, other than to get me to understand how important he is. After a lot of fuss about this, the DC were returned from contact this weekend by their GP and I was reluctantly told that their DF has gone away on holiday for 2 weeks with his GF. He sees no reason for me to know he's out of the country and had no intention of telling me, or leaving contact details for himself while away.
I feel like his expectations of me are ridiculously high - eg he believes I should consult him about where the DC and I live, which childminder I use etc, and get his approval on all day to day decisions re: the DC. However his actions demonstrate time and again that he has no intention of treating me as a competent and respected parent, and when it suits him he behaves as if he has no parental responsibilities at all.
So I am considering going NC with him bar texts to confirm he will actually show up for contact/be returning the DC. I will supply him with GP, school, CM contact details etc and leave everything up to him on that front if I do this.
Am I right to think if my expectations of him as a parent should be zero, that he should lower his expectations of me in return and take responsibility himself for staying in the DC's lives? Or should I continue to put up with the low level emotional abuse, criticism, patronising crap etc for the sake of the moral high ground?
What is the moral high ground anyway when you're in this situation? Do you keep plugging on pretending that you respect and care about the DC's other parent despite knowing they think you're lower than shit on their shoe, or do you detach and ignore?