Who comes 1st, the new Girlfriend if she's sick or the Child?

[urbancupcake]

My dd, visits her Father at his Mothers every Monday and and every other weekend.

For the last three Monday's he has said he can't see her, as his girlfriend is going into hospital that day and he needs to pick her up and look after her.

No alternative arrangements were made with my dd and this Monday, she got the message by text.

(Begrudgingly giving the girlfriend the benefit of the doubt as she never speaks to my dd and has no children herself, lets assume the procedure she had done can only be carried out on a Monday and she's just not picking a Monday to be spiteful) What are your views?

I think he's not showing that he is that bothered about seeing his child.

This makes him an arse.

Not enough info to decide really.

What treatment is the girlfriend having?

For example, if like my friend, she's having chemo every Monday, then yeah I can see why he doesn't want your DD there on Mondays.

Thanks for feedback guys. The girlfriend is apparently having some cataract work down on her eyes. Not sure if such procedures are only done on one specific day of the week and as luck would have it, hey ho, falls on the day he sees his dd.

dd is 11 nearly 12, but a softie, likes routine and really impacted by it. I sent him a text reminding him that he's not available on a Monday just in case he had forgotten as he has his dd on a Monday. Sometimes when these things happen you wonder if you're being mean or losing your mind.

Not bring mean but don't let him make you lose your mind either

Totally unfair that he's done this without actually having the balls to discuss it with her, or make alternative arrangements. Hope she's ok.

So he hasnt rearranged with dd for tuesday, wednesday, thursday or any day other than monday? Im assuming these operations were planned with at least a couple of weeks notice- why at that point ddnt he contact dd and say e needed to rearrange for the next month or so to see her on a different day?

I just dont get it- if i needed to collect my mum for example every monday for the next month i would arrange childcare in advance as far as possible and let my dcs know the plan. I dont get to just text my ex at the last minute and tell him he's having our dcs because i've made other plans. For starters he would laugh at me and secondly he just couldnt make himself available.

Does your ex think you sit around doing nothing when your dd is with him and can easily just cancel your plans to accomodate him?

Fwiw- my ex would do exactly what yours has done but probably not bother to let me know. My plans are irrelevant.

Okay, so I'm not going crazy. Thanks for your feedback @Monet: wise advice. It's just such a horrible thing to do I begin to question myself, that surely, nobody can be that awful to their only child, which must mean, I just must, must, must have it wrong.

@sillybilly: You echo my thoughts entirely. Literally, she got a text, not a call, but a text that day. And all he'll do now that I've kicked up a fuss, is through guilt, be really overtly nice nice to her for a bit, and thinks she's so stupid she won't realise it's just another one of his valueless guilt gifts to make 'himself' feel better.

Just to reiterate, he meets her at his mums, so the poor thing went to his mums as usual (thank God, the mum is actually lovely to her), but no dad - again.

Sorry to hear too your ex would be just as awful.

So he didnt even tell her early enough to avoid a wasted journey?! im sure she was still happy enough to see her grandmother but that's not the point! This infuriates me. It is fine to have other commitments but those commitments do not relieve you of the universal rules regarding courtesy and treating people with respect. If he knows he wont be available the. He needs to let her know when he finds out and allow her/you to make alternative plans if necessary. So selfish to not even do that.

I know its a bit different but my mum used to work a job that finished at 3 so that she (theoretically) would be home for us getting off the bus at 4. However she is a workaholic and believes her workplace will fall down as soon as she walks out the door. Day after day we would be left standing in the rain waiting for her (too far to walk home) we would ask her if we should wait at school to do homework in the library and get a later bus that would have us home after she was back but everytime she insisted she would be on time. Not once was she ever there when we got in. We could easily spend an hour waiting, a few times even in snow! With no money to go and get a cup of tea in a cafe. If she had just accepted the fact that she wouldnt be there on time then we could have made plans to be warm and dry and had our homework done. She denies any of this happened btw and lays it on thick how she was working so hard for us and was under so much pressure in work. Which is fine, we know that but that didnt help us day after day waiting in the rain.

Urban - what would happen if u & ur ex sat down & discussed it? Would he just deny it & act like nothing is wrong or would he realise he has been a twat & change contact days?

@Sillybilly - my mum looks after my dd & meets me at work, if i am working a late shift i dont always get out on time so my mum & i arranged for her to turn up 10/15 mins later. Cant believe ur mum couldnt see what was happening.

I think she was in denial nickname she had been working nights while we were young and went through a really tough course for ages to be able to change to days so she could collect us after school. But she's just not the sort if person who can down tools at clocking off time and so continuously found herself working beyond 3 an being late. I think she just desperately wanted to be there for us and couldnt accept that she had done all that work to still not be seeing us during the day. She didnt want to admit it wasnt working. We all would have been far happier if she had admitted that and we could arrange something else. After a while she eventually arranged for a local woman to collect us and stay with us till 6 when dad got home. She still has an official clocking off time of 3 but regularly isnt home til gone 7. Its who she is.

Yes she loves her Grandmother and I like you, know that is so not not the point.

What's interesting in the story you say about your mum, is the denial aspect. People who cause such atrocities always, but always go into complete denial.

It's like my child's father and his brother wanted me out of his home when my dd was only 6 months old. Said he owed me nothing. Now, however, he will look in the eyes and deny it until the cows come home. But then I guess it would mean admitting to themselves who they really are. By denying it, it's their way of taking a massive eraser and rubbing the whole episode out; making it disappear, as though it never happened. Under the rug it goes.

But these things will manifest in their lives in other ways.

@Sillybilly, just seen your other post, so in your mum's case she was trying to be all thing to all people. Her intentions were more sincere. Not the same, she was trying her best I think hon.

@Nickname: No, he's not very mature and will never admit to going about things the wrong way. TBH, because of his level of maturity, recenly I've had very little to do with him as much as i can help it. Good point though, I so wish he was more human that way. I've so tried, but in the past he'd say it's because your jealous. Help

Yes i agree- not the same- she was trying to be everywhere at once, i do disagree with her that it was all for us though. She is ambitious and prides herself on her career. This is good and no reason she shouldnt as she has done very well but she needed to put better strategies in place to make sure we were being picked up. even getting my dad to share the responsibility for collecting us would have been better but she was/is a bit of a martyr. He did mornings and i think she felt responsible for afternoons (well that was the whole point of the job change) but he would have done afternoons too if she'd said he had to.

Mmmm I here what you say - when people say something is for us when it's for them. Besides, who feels it knows it.

I think we often forget that just because someone has the title of parent, it doesn't take away all their faults. They're still the same human being they were before they had children. Selfishness doesn't stop the moment a child is born. I try to teach my dd this. But it's hard, especially when we see others doing a better job.

It's difficult to find peace too when it is a parent, but fortunately, not impossible.

Yes- sorry didnt intend to hijack your thread.

That is a good thing to teach DD- that her parents are still human with faults and not so nice aspects to their personalities- but also that they both love her very much and that maybe her dad feels that what he does is adequate enough as a parent. Its up to dd to decide in the end. I know my dcs will probably have a list as long as their arms when they grow up of all the bits i got wrong and which personality traits of mine they would change so it helps to keep me from giving out about their dad infront of them because he may feel he is doing a brilliant job and its up to the dcs to judge in the end. We can only do our own best and cant make other people better parents.

I can totally sympathise, OP.

They're shits when they don't put their kids first or at least make alternative arrangements. My ExH has let my DD down on several occasions because he is with his GF. He even refused to have her a few weekends ago because it was his "birthday weekend" and therefore "was entitled to have a life" (his very words!!!). Hmmmm, try explaining that one to an 8-year-old armed with homemade birthday card and gift all ready for him).

The child. Always the child. Anything less is derelection of parental duties.

Unless there's something seriously wrong with gf. Is she on dialysis? In which case it will be long-term and maybe you need to reconsider arrangements for your dd.

Ahhh I love you guys. Thanks for the support. @sillybilly: not a hijack at all, it's great to talk. True too, the kids will judge. I like those words.

@prforone: Please tell me that didn't happen. No way. OMG, I've never posted here before and I can't believe what you're saying about the card and stuff. Makes me feel a bit teary actually. And he needs a life does he??? Don't we blooming all (excuse the language).

@duchesse: You made me go from teary to burst out laughing. No she's not on dialysis, but what a great way to make your point.

Op iv had cataracts operations,nd no way would i have had 3 consecutive appts on same day each time.mmm think hes pulling a fast one.

I think i'd have to rip exp a new one if my dcs had made a card and cake for his birthday and he'd just not bothered to see them!

Wouldnt put it past him though.

Oh really @Ellie??? That's what I love about this site, someone always in the know comes on board. I instinctively knew something wasn't right. My gut told me it wasn't true, stupid sod.

Funny, I was talking to this guy the other day and he was saying that his 15yr old daughter doesn't want to see him anymore after he reprimanded too, in hindsight, too harshly. He's in bits about it; has tried everything. There may well come a day when he'll want to see my dd and she won't want to see him and he'll wonder why?