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HELP!!! Ex remarriage?? Please I need impartial advice!!

10 replies

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:22

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go?

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 03/12/2013 17:02

I'm assuming that uour child doesn't know anything about your new boyfriend ?

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 17:29

When I started dating my OH and things progressed to him meeting my child we did it so we went a mutual ground (play area) and he bought his little girl, we are not tactile around our little ones so not to confuse them. I even contacted my ex out of respect to tell him that our son was meeting my OH, I expect the same respect.

OP posts:
balia · 03/12/2013 17:57

Erm, yeah, of course you should let him go. It's his Dad's wedding.

You don't have to be happy about it, or approve of the speed of the 'romance', that is very subjective (lots of people would be a bit Shock about either of you introducing new people after only a few months).

Hopefully the wedding will help your little one make sense of it, and get to meet the wider family of his new stepmum. It's a hard road ahead - refusing to let the little one attend the wedding is just going to store up a whole bunch of resentment.

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 18:44

I understand what you are saying.

My OH is an old friend and not some random of a internet dating site to be fair. Plus totally different ways of introduction, I see my oh on the days my dc is at his dads so they don't come into contact. Just once as a play date I suppose.

I certainly haven't dictated thus far, if you consider after a month she was moved in and i still let our son visit.

4 hours away for 3 days is too much for me, especially considering that this "romance" has lacked consideration for my sons feelings.

OP posts:
SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 03/12/2013 18:54

Do 3 year olds really think that daddy should only kiss mummy? Is he not likely to be making something of it as its the kissing itself he doesn't see?

Yes, he should go to his dads wedding, and I don't think he will miss a Christmas concert.

As for taking his new gf to "your" places, and using the same old patter, I'm afraid that just sounds like your ex is lacking in imagination.

CheckedPjs · 03/12/2013 18:55

Have you asked DS if he wants to go?

Me personally wouldn't let DS go. It may be his dad's wedding however it kind of looks like he is replacing you with him with the same sayings, jokes etc.

Plus DS has a play that he may want to be apart of so if he did that would factor into this for me.

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 19:18

It's all abit hedonistic and lacking any focus on our dc.

If it seemed a genuine sincere well thought out wedding I wouldnt have a problem

OP posts:
CheckedPjs · 03/12/2013 19:44

If you didn't allow DS to go would your ex go and do it anyway without any shadow of a doubt or would he wait to your DS could be there?

I personally wouldn't get married unless my DS could be there and if that meant waiting an extra month or an extra year I'd wait.

HRHLadyG · 03/12/2013 19:50

Who will be looking after your little person whilst they're away? x

balia · 03/12/2013 19:51

Well, in fairness, the wedding isn't all about DC - but the fact that his Dad wants him there, and by extension, the new g/f is happy about it - well isn't that something positive? Something that can be built upon in a really positive way for the benefit of the DC? A DC who really won't care if Dad calls stepmum a petname he used to call you, or takes her to places he once took you. That is all about your adult feelings, not those of the DC.

You can't really tell if it is a 'genuine sincere well thought out' wedding or not - there are people who wed very quickly, it doesn't mean they automatically get divorced. I'm sure your own wedding was genuine...there are no guarantees.

Would you be happy for your ex to sit in judgement of your new relationship and be the one to decide whether or not your wedding was well thought out enough to 'allow' your DC to attend?

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