Have just found out that me ex-H has had a baby

[Poppysquad]

I am nearly 53 and have been divorced for about 15 months. My one DS (15 ) has stayed in touch with his dad, regularly visiting him for a couple of nights every week - a few more nights during the summer holidays. I have kept my distance, contacting him only when I needed to.
On Sunday, a friend who lives in the same village as my Ex-H (and his new partner and her family) took me aside and said that she thought it unfair that I did not know that my Ex-H had a baby about 6 weeks ago. This baby is my son's half sister. My son obviously knew, his friends, who live near his dad knew etc etc.

I am not worried about the fact that my Ex-H has this child, he is nearly 55 and good luck to him. I don't envy him having a stroppy teenager in his 70's.

I called my Ex-H who told me that my son had asked him not to tell me but I insisted that the responsibility lay with him (the Ex-H) as the adult in the situation. However, I am upset about the fact that no-one, not even my own son told me and I feel betrayed. I know it's probably not not right, but I do. And a bit mistrustful, if my son has covered this up for ages what else does is going on?

I just feel like packing up and running away.

Maybe your son felt awkward telling you and indeed it was not his place to tell you. Your ex should have told you but he's obviously not very responsible or mature. Chin up. Don't be mistrustful of your son although its really difficult for you I'm sure!

I did something similar to this when my Dad got married to his second wife. Although I was only about 9 at the time. I had it in my head that my mum would be upset. This is ridiculous, as actually, she left him and was living with the OM by then, very happily.

But in my child's brain I needed to 'protect' my mum from this knowledge and I think I was burying my head in the sand a little bit. So I asked my Dad not to tell my Mum and said I would tell her but then I didn't and didn't and it got to the point where he had to drop us off on Sunday night and have an awkward conversation with my mum which went something like "err, is it OK for me to take the kids out of school on Thursday, only I'm getting married...."

I just found it all very hard to deal with and, with hindsight, my Dad and Mum probably should have taken it out of my hands.

Actually that was one incident amongst many where being the 'messenger' between the two of them caused me massive stress. I'm sure they didn't mean it at the time, but even an innocent message that I passed on from one to the other would provoke some sort of eye-roll or mutter-under-the-breath which I felt was directed at me. I was a bit of a serious child and I probably took on way more worry than I needed to, but I used to feel sick sometimes on the way to and from each house when I knew I had a message.

Which is my roundabout way of saying - don't make this about your son. I understand why you're upset about not knowing, but you need to make sure channels of communication are open between you and your ex and don't go via your son.