Strange behaviour from DD (4), towards new partner.

[WineAndSunMakesMeHappy]

Hi, am looking for a little insight really.

I've had a new boyfriend for 10 months now. Introduced him to DD about 5 months ago, all very informal. I never said he was my boyfriend, just introduced him as "so and so".
All went really well, mainly he would just come over for a couple of hours and have dinner, and he has come to some family events with us with DD there. DD is with her dad all weekend, every weekend, so these visits were for DDs benefit.....for her to slowly and gradually become comfortable around him.

About a month ago me and BF had a discussion about him seeing DD a bit more regularly (once a week), with a view of moving forward, and possibly staying over with her there in the new year.
But, since then DDs behaviour towards him has deteriorated, she is slightly aggressive (she pretends she is playing, but I can tell there is an "edge" to it) and has really lost her sweet, chatty disposition when he is around. It's not a massive change, but we both know its there.

Any words of wisdom or advice?
We both want to do this right, and DDs interests come first.
Just feel so disappointed that its taken a bit of a wrong turn somewhere....?

I would guess that perhaps she feels she doesn't want him to replace her dad. Is that possible do you think?

Well I really hope not, she sees her dad a lot, we talk about him a lot, and always discuss how both me and her dad love her.

I haven't actually said that my boyfriend is a boyfriend and we are very careful not to be too much of a "couple" together.

It's so hard, I just feel like we have done everything the "right" way, and its still difficult.......

Do you think dd has gone to her dads and mentioned the new bloke etc and her father has said some nasty things?

Mmm. I'd love to say no, he hasn't said anything bad about him, but I can't be sure.

Also, not wanting to drip feed, I told DDs dad that I was seeing this guy, and told him before I introduced them to each other, out of respect.

He has introduced DD to his girlfriend the last couple of weeks (second one in 5 months) and didn't tell me....DD did.

Not sure if any of this is a factor.

I think that however hard you try to do things the right way, a child is always going to be sad that their mum and dad will no longer be together. My dd is nearly 10 and her father and I have been separated for 7 years and yet she still would love it if we got back together. It may be that your dd can see there is no chance you will ever get back together now that you both have new partners. This is not your fault, it's just one of the difficulties. I would just give her time and keep it as light as possible.

Thank you Lottie.

In the mean time, any advice on actually correcting her behaviour around him. Should I do it, should he do it? Obviously I don't want her to think he is more important than her, or that every time he comes around she gets told off....if that makes sense?

What is she doing that you feel she needs to be told off for?

Basically she is just not very "nice". Where as before she loved him, and would chat and play and sit with him, she's now just a little rude, a little snatchy, and doesn't always answer him. She is also very slightly aggressive.....will ask him to play tag or something.....but actually is using that as an excuse to push.......if that makes sense.
Now I've written it down......it's sounds just like a child pushing the boundaries......maybe testing just how much, or if any, authority he has. Maybe she's wondering in her head where my loyalty lies if that makes sense.

Obviously she has absolutely no
reason to worry! But maybe that's how she is seeing it...?

I would leave her to it and not make a big deal of it - she's only 4 after all. I would also put the brakes on the idea of him spending more time with her for now. Drop back a bit on everything and she may relax a little.

her behaviour is communication
what is she communicating? her worries concerns etc.
you need to gently find out what they are. so you can acknowledge tehma dn validate them and reassure her
ask her to draw family portrait where does she see herself, you her dad the bf?
use dolls too or teddies.

read how to talk.... for ideas

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094