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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

is it damaging to the children if I refuse my ex coming into the house?

20 replies

lizzie479 · 02/12/2013 22:45

Its been a year since my ex and me broke up. It was a very nasty break up and he used to shout at me a handovers etc. He has now stopped this and has become all chummy. This is much better for me and the kids but he is now stepping into the house univited at contact times. I hate it,I feel violated and when he leaves I feel awful all night. But a couple of people have said to me that its sad for the kids that their dad cant come into their home and that I should allow him in for their sake. I am civil to him and he sees the kids regulary and I keep him involved and updated in their lives. We go to parents eves/nativities etc together as civil co-parents but I don't want him in my home as he sees the kids a lot so that would mean me seeing him a lot. What does everyone else do?

OP posts:

SignoraStronza · 02/12/2013 22:54

No, totally to the contrary. They should be aware of the boundaries as from now and should not have to witness their mother being made to feel edgy and undermined/abused in her own home.

My ex used to arrive on a late plane and (being too tight to cgeck into a hotel), knock on my door at 2:00am. In the morning dd would find him kipping on my sofa and demanding breakfast, nitpicking at me and then having the mutha of all shits in my bathroom.

Much better now I live with dh. I don't even let him near the village and handover is done at a cafe down the road.

clam · 02/12/2013 23:00

"But a couple of people have said to me that its sad for the kids that their dad can't come into their home"

Well, sure, in an ideal world that'd be great. In an ideal world you and he would still be happily married (and he wouldn't be an arse) but life hasn't panned out that way and you've got what you've got. So it's probably better in the long run for your kids that they see you put clear boundaries in place. It's not fair on you that he should invade your territory like this - the kids will adapt and it will become normal for them.

corlan · 02/12/2013 23:16

I let my XP into my house for years because I felt it would harm my DD to ban her dad from the house.

He would grab my backside in front of my DD's and laugh at me when I complained.He would try to start fights with my older DD and, to cap it all, for some reason only a trained psychologist could fathom, he would always take a huge dump in my toilet and stink my house out for hours!

A year ago I decided to stop him setting foot in my house and although it
really is sad for my youngest, I weigh that against the upset he used to cause myself and my eldest and I can honestly say things are much better now.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/12/2013 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/12/2013 23:24

corlan. not a trained psychologist, maybe an animal behaviourist... a primitive animal marking his territory.

anad youa re not being unreasonable. behaviour has consequences. he has behaved in a way that make it uncomfotable fo him to be in your house, so tough titties, he can waait outside.

Sasquatch75 · 03/12/2013 10:24

I agree with all of the above! My ex hasn't been nasty but I don't let him more than 2 feet into the house. He moved out: it's not his home anymore.

cestlavielife · 03/12/2013 10:59

yep, have had same problems and it is much better to keep him out!

for the one time you let them in and they almost pleasant the next time they horrible and nasty.

not worth it.

lostdad · 03/12/2013 13:10

Damaging, no. If you are genuinely fearful that there is a risk of trouble it shouldn't happen.

If this isn't the case though it may be worth thinking about how it appears to your DC - that you are prepared to be hospitable to anyone aside from their dad.

For their sake you should where ever possible demonstrate through your words and action that you respect their father...and he should be doing exactly the same thing. It is hurtful for kids otherwise as it tears their loyalties and they don't deserve that.

eden263 · 03/12/2013 13:23

No, it's your home, you can have who you want in it, or not.

I get on well with EXH who is father of DS1 & 2. He has always stayed here when he comes to see the boys (as he lives far away.) DD's father, on the other hand, is a scary, obsessive nutter who has caused me nothing but grief and fear and I know full well if he set foot through the door, he would simply refuse to leave, so he comes nowhere near the house. Don't think any of DC have seen this as mixed messages/double standards, it's just the way we do things.

You're not stopping DC from seeing their dad, so there shouldn't be a problem. If DC ask why he can't come in, just tell them that you're not friends with him any more and you don't want someone who isn't your friend in your house, but reinforce that this in no way reflects on their relationship with their dad, and that you have no problems with them seeing him, just not in the house.

aliciaflorrick · 03/12/2013 14:16

I don't allow my Ex into the house, on the couple of occasions I did after we first split up and I was all up in the air, he stole stuff out of the house. Didn't even say, this is mine I'm taking it, things would just disappear and I'd only realise when I went to get it and it was gone. Also his little beady eyes used to be everywhere trying to see what extravagance I'd spent his minimum legal contribution to the DCs on! Obviously not on them.

Even when he talks to the DCs on Facetime and if they're in different rooms of the house he's checking if I've done decorating and flinging it back at me spending his money on wall paper. I once got an email accusing me of spending his cash because I'd decorated the dining room and bought a new dresser (it was actually the old dresser that I'd painted to make look pretty). It's like he's trying to find ways to get into my home.

I do work and earn my own money, but it seems he's chosen to forget that when he's playing the martyr.

Now the DCs speak to him in their bedrooms - I've told them this is so they can chat to daddy in private without me overhearing.

It's not an issue now, it's been six months since he's bothered coming to see the DCs and I doubt we'll see much of him next year.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 03/12/2013 19:04

XP is not allowed in my house at all. We have third party handovers due to his aggression towards me in front of DS. It's the best decision I ever made and DS is a lot calmer when coming home now. Do not allow your X to control the situation like this, even if he is being okay now, who knows when the next outburst will come?

happybubblebrain · 03/12/2013 19:19

I allow my ex into the house because I don't allow dd to go and stay with him (he has lots of issues, nowhere to take her etc) so there isn't much of an option for me. Plus dd likes him coming to visit. The ex goes through phases where he disappears for months on end and when he is around we have no fixed time and day that he sticks to. He has never paid any maintenance. He's not much of a dad.

I think most mums in my shoes would have stopped contact completely in these circumstances. I even feed him dinner and let him use our computer. But, I still think it is good for dd to know her dad and she enjoys his visits. He behaves himself because he knows he is lucky to have this situation.

It is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. Your circumstances are better than mine, in that you can trust your ex to take the kids out and about, so there is no need for him to invade your space. I don't think it is harmful to not allow him in the house.

pencilsharpener · 03/12/2013 20:03

You need to do what you are comfortable with. You're not comfortable with him going inside your house, so don't let him.

PS Amazing how many exes feel the need to "mark their territory" in bathrooms. I thought mine was the only one who felt the need to piss all over the toilet seat when he asked to be let into my new house to use the loo. Twice he did that. I've never let him cross the threshold again.

Monetbyhimself · 03/12/2013 21:27

No access allowed here. The kids are used to it now - IME kids do just adapt to situations as they evolve. And as for marking territory, ex clears the rubbish out of his car and puts it in my wheelie bin (sad little man )

BabyMummy29 · 03/12/2013 21:35

I'm not allowed into XH's house (his decision) and when my grown-up DD took ill up there and wasn't well enough to be moved for a few days I wasn't allowed to visit her at all.

TheRobberBride · 03/12/2013 21:43

I don't think it would be damaging, no. They are already aware that you no longer live together so I can't see why it would be damaging to have firm, consistent boundaries about who is welcome in your home.

My ex is not welcome in my home. I'm not sure if he realises this though because we usually do pick ups/drop offs on neutral territory. The one time he came to the house, I met him outside. But if he ever asked to come inside I would say no.

Original poster

lizzie479 · 03/12/2013 21:52

Thankyou so much for all your replies. They really helped me a lot. Note to lost dad, I never speak badly of my ex (when kids are around ) and only ever big him up to the kids. I do tell them that we are not friends anymore. They are free to love him, talk about him etc etc. I just don't want him breathing down my neck after he literally went on a one year crusade to destroy me because I had the audacity to end things with him. Thanks everyone for helping me x

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzie479 · 03/12/2013 21:53

PS boundary drawn, no enemies in my house :)

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzie479 · 03/12/2013 21:56

Funny my ex used to constantly ask to use the toliet at handovers too ?! Are they just dogs in disguise? ;)

OP posts:

STIDW · 04/12/2013 20:06

It damages children if they witness angry exchanges between separated parents and then establishing some boundaries may be the lesser of the evils. On the other hand when parents are civil it's worth remembering it is also the children's home and they can only benefit from a relaxed atmosphere between their parents. Thinking of the long term there is nothing much worse for children growing up feeling that they can't share some time with both parents without treading as if on eggshells.

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