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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

surname opinions

23 replies

Eternity84 · 02/11/2013 16:37

I have 3 kids from previous relationship. They all have my surname. I am 24 weeks pregnant and the father walked out 6 weeks ago. When we were together I promised he could be at the birth and baby have his surname. Obv assuming one day we would marry etc.

Now he's left and I am trying to rebuild myself. I am still angry and hurt and don't want to make decisions based on my resentment.

But is it wrong of me to now change my mind on these issues and for the baby to have my surname and him not present at the birth. He's not civil with me. The last I heard from him he wanted a DNA test and said he hated me.
Ideally I want his name on birth certificate as don't want it blank for baby when older whether he sticks around or not but just wanted people's opinions on surname and the birth. Thanks

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5madthings · 02/11/2013 16:45

Nope you are not being unreasonable at all.

In fact even if you were together I would give trhe baby your surname. If you'd ever got married in the future you could change it but once babu has his name you cannot change it without his permission.

Give the baby your name.

And re the birth, again its your choice, what is important is you do whatever rmakes you happy and comfortable, if he work be supportive or you won't feel comfortable then its pointless havign him at the birth.

He has no right to be at the birth or to insist the baby has his name.

Sorry you are having to deal with a this.

Jellykat · 02/11/2013 17:13

I agree, your circumstances have changed, so give the baby your name especially as your other DC have it too. (My DSs have mine, they both have different dads, so in a way it brings us together as a family)

It's totally up to you who you want to have at the birth, it's still your body doing a massive task.

It doesn't sound like your XP is being respectful or taking your feelings into consideration, i wouldn't bother considering his, regardless of what's been discussed previously.

Good luck with it all x

MisForMumNotMaid · 02/11/2013 17:28

My xH left when my DS's were 1 and 3. As they didn't know their surname as his at that age I got his permission to change it so we share my name.

Years on, i'm remarried with a DD. DH took my name and DD has too.

It really sounds like he's decided all promises are off, so here on in you need to look out for you and yours.

I think there are a few practicalities to be considered for naming him on the birth certificate. For example I understand as you're not married he needs to be present and sign to. But if you post in legal someone can no doubt verify the ins and outs of that one.

I know he's behaved badly, and this isn't what you're asking, but wonder if you are in touch with any of his greater family? My DC have benefited from a strong relationship with some of the outlaws (I just hand over and do the polite chat bit). It was tough to make initial contact and avoid talking about him but it creates a stronger support network and sense of self for the DC if there is a practical way of having some sort of contact.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 02/11/2013 17:30

If it were me, he wouldnt be welcome at the birth. Baby would get the family surname which is the one you and your dcs have.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 02/11/2013 17:31

I would put his name on the BC if he made it to the registry office. If he failed to show, then I dont think it possible to put his name on.

Original poster

Eternity84 · 02/11/2013 17:52

Far as I'm aware we not married so he has to be there. Guess I'm just assuming he will be around. Guess easier if he's not as no argument about the name.

I'm pretty set that she's gonna have my name then all my kids have the same name, he can be a complete asshole so i guess its just bringing up the conversation and standing my ground when the time comes.

I hate the not knowin and the being so uncertain how my future will be. Will he be around, how to arrange contact if he is. It's hard to remain postive and cope with the pregnancy. He hasn't spoke to me in around 4 weeks. But wasn't polite when he did. I just can't imagine him walking away from his baby so guess I just preparing myself as best as I can for what's to come lol

He has no family, was brought up in a children's home. He has 6 other kids, all girls. Yes I know, I pick them lol! So I guess if the ex's know about me then I would welcome my DD knowing her half sisters as she grows up.

OP posts:

KingRollo · 02/11/2013 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebeardsbabe · 02/11/2013 20:07

Don't put him on bc unless he absolutely insists on being there. He has to be there in person. If he is being an arse now he might use this to try and control your life. If things settle down in the future you can add it.

Exp wasn't present at birth nor did he come to register. Am so pleased now as I can't be bullied into things. My dd will always know who her dad is so not a big deal IMHO. who looks at it anyway? Him not signing it can save you a big future headache.

starlight1234 · 02/11/2013 22:22

You have done the birth thing 3 times already so you know the more "relaxed "you are the better for you and the baby..As far as I am concerned if they aren't going to be supportive they don't need to be in the room.

My Ex had a child he doesn't see surprise surprise he now doesn't see his son..he has 6 girls already does he support, see them..no matter what we think he is likely to follow the same pattern with this little one.

I also would give new baby your family name..Otherwise will be the child that sands out.

sharesinNivea · 04/11/2013 01:16

Isn't a baby automatically given the birth mother's surname when born? I had one baby in hospital and one at home and both were wearing the little ID bracelets stating 'Girl of sharesinNivea' or 'Boy of sharesinNivea'.

Original poster

Eternity84 · 04/11/2013 13:06

From what I recall the baby is always known as Mums surname in the hospital until officially registered.

Thanks for all your opinions, glad I doing the right thing and not just through anger lol

Also someone reported me to social services back in July for being with this guy as they said he was a risk to my kids. He had obviously lied to me a lot about his past. The case has been closed and they have no concerns over my parenting of the kids but I received the report today and the wording is -

He has a history of offences including Dangerous Driving, Fraud, ABH and public order offences. He was also assessed as being a risk towards children although not currently on the sex offenders register.

Great! I really know how to pick a guy lol. Now I've even more worried on how to arrange contact IF he is actually interested once baby here!! What a mess :(

OP posts:

Jellykat · 04/11/2013 22:12

Woah, that's a list and a half!! You and baby are clearly well off out of it to say the least.

I'd lie as low as possible, and get some legal advice the minute (and if) he ever changes his mind.. hopefully he won't though.

All the best.

eatyourveg · 04/11/2013 22:19

Would consider giving the baby the fathers surname as a middle name?

Original poster

Eternity84 · 05/11/2013 07:04

My other children have their fathers name as middle name so yes defo a possibility.

I thik you're right Jellykat. Gonna keep away from him, had no contact now for weeks, And getting my head around doing it alone, funny thing is, if social services hadn't of been contacted I would never of known these things!! Scary to think he's a risk to kids and I could of still been with him!

Will defo need to think nearer the time as to what contact to offer if he wants to br involved as I'm not sure now after that I would feel comfortable him in my home visiting. Time will tell

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KerwhizzedMyself · 05/11/2013 22:49

I wouldn't offer any contact unless he asks if he is a risk to children. I won't get all personal about my situation but social services need to be informed if he seeks contact so they can help see if he is safe around his child.

Original poster

Eternity84 · 06/11/2013 13:43

So he called today. I told him I didn't want him at the birth and he said he would call nearer the date to arrange contact. He says he has a letter from social services that dealt with his case, whatever it was that says everything was dropped and hes not a risk to children so his solicitor is supposed to be sending me a copy of that letter.

Now I know its a few months away but am dreading the subject of contact with him. He has just been given a contact order for his 6 yr old through cafcass and court so I assume he cant be much of a risk and he says he gonna prove all this. He says he gets his other daughter 1 day every weekend, no overnights.

My other kids only see their Dad every other weekend as he stopped the midweek contact due to work commitments so whats the "norm" for such a young baby?

I assume he will visit here at first, but how often and how long for? I don't want him trying to control or manipulate me so I want things set down so we both know where we stand, as baby gets older we can adjust things I hope.

OP posts:

5madthings · 06/11/2013 13:58

The norm for little babies is little and often, literally just a fee hours and no overnights, generally til 12mths.

KerwhizzedMyself · 06/11/2013 14:04

If you have a letter from SS directly and it says he was assessed as being a risk to children, you need to contact them again when he approaches you about seeing the baby. Firstly because he could fake this magic letter that suddenly says the opposite of what SS told you and also because if they have assessed him as a risk, and you are allowing him to see your child, they might want to look into you again to see why you would allow someone who is a risk to be with your child.

starlight1234 · 06/11/2013 14:08

I would simply say fine get in touch after the birth and leave it at that..No encouragement...

Contact would be little and often with you present if possible..My son went to a contact centre 2 hours a fortnight when he was about 10 months old as he was threatenting and aggressive to me during contact.

butterfly1986 · 06/11/2013 18:40

Whats everybodys opinions on doube barrell surname?

Example Jones-Smith ( both parents, have their name in )

Jellykat · 06/11/2013 19:16

Eternity Well done! at telling him you didn't want him at the birth, that must be a relief to have got it clearly sorted..

I agree with all of the posters above re contact.. i would say you definitely need to sort out these 2 conflicting (according to your ex) reports from SS first.

butterfly I'm not massively keen on double barreled, so i got around it by using DS2s dads surname as his middle name. I was very lucky in that his surname kinda sounds like a christian name too, phew!

Original poster

Eternity84 · 07/11/2013 06:53

Thanks all. Gonna leave a msg with social worker and see what she can find out. I have no problem him seeing baby if what he says is true. Just not sure how I feel him coming to house etc. After all that's happened thinking find a mutual place, even local play centre and start there 2/3 times a week. Really not sure what's best right now. I don't want my other kids brought into the mess, he doesn't work so no reason it can't be revolved around my other kids being at school.
It's knowin what to offer that's "fair" I guess. And knowing how long to supervise the visits.

I'm not keen on double barreled names which Is why my other kids have their dad's names as middle names. Guess that's another subject to bring up with him yet!

OP posts:

notthefirstagainstthewall · 07/11/2013 22:16

IMO he sounds like he has very little to offer in his life and would enjoy the drama of being a "wronged father". As soon as he realises he of no importance to you or the baby will be when the trouble starts.

I think you should set up as much access, expectations of contact etc as feasibly possible...then watch how quickly he disappears....

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