WTF do I do now?

[TensionSquealsGhoulsHeels]

Had a lengthy discussion with my ex over age appropriate films last week. The fact that I even have to point out 15 & 18 films aren't suitable for an 8 yr old kind of gives a basic illustration of the level of fuckwittery I'm dealing with. This has been an ongoing issue along with the telling DD not to tell me what she's been watching, lying to my face when she's with me, her own dad giving her a 1st hand demonstration how OK it is to lie to me, and to tell her to keep secrets from me.

The last thing I said to him, when we had this discussion was that I did not want DD to watch 15/18 films at his or anywhere else, and would he accept that? Yes says he. Tonight he tells me he has a confession to make, in front of DD, that she's watched a 15 film at the weekend and he told DD that I wouldn't mind as it's from the 60s. He fucking knew I minded cos I spelled it out pretty fucking clearly.

And so we are back to square fucking one. Again.

I have nothing useful to contribute but your ex is clearly an arse

Grrr! My ex does this too! Dcs are 8 and 4 and informed me on sunday that they watched along came a spider at their dads on saturday night. No point even bringing it up as he would walk away from me and do it even more to point score.

When is first split up with my children's father, my ex was living with drug takers so I specified that the children could stay with his mum, their grandmother, and if he bothered to get out of bed on those days, he could visit the children with his mum supervising.

This was a great arrangement as although his mum and I didn't see eye to eye on some things, she did have the children's best interests at heart.

One day in Clinton cards my son aged 4/5 pointed out a South Park toy and proceeded to tell me all about South Park!

Grandmother had been taping the late night show as she couldn't understand what they were saying but thought they were cute cartoon characters! He had watched loads of episodes before I was able to intervene.

Then there was the time she fell asleep in her armchair but it was ok because the children were watching a Disney film that she had taped on VHS from the telly. Except she had taped the Disney film over other existing films and when the Disney film ended it went on to The Godfather!

My children were not harmed but I wasn't pleased at the time but can see the funny side now.

In your case, I wonder if your ex is deliberately trying to be 'cool' and let your daughter watch things suitable for older children?

You could provide DVDs for your daughter to take with her.

Does he have parents that would be supportive to you in the best interests of their grandchild?

Do you have mutual friends with children that you could get to have a word about the unsuitability of the films?

Sadly, I'm afraid it's most likely you will have to accept that when she isn't with you that she will be subjected to doing things different to when in your care. Unfortunately that is what happens when couples split up.

Sunday, the context here is different. DD has been allowed to watch family guy etc. at a younger age, we've had endless discussions about this over a long time. His arguments are generally along the lines of 'he watched 18 films when he was 5 and it never did him any harm' and the BBFC don't rate any films correctly in his opinion. He has no family here, no one else I can ask to supervise. The over riding issue for me is showing DD that it's fine to lie to me, fine to tell her to keep secrets from me. That is my worry here. Watching stuff that she isn't really harmed from because she doesn't understand it is vastly different from watching things that she isn't mature enough to fully understand or process. I know my ex, I know what he is trying to do here and that's to 'desensitize' DD to graffic horror & violence so they can watch what he wants to rather than 'boring' kids films. He has a particularly sick taste in 18 films and I don't want my 8 yr old exposed to that. And I'm sick of him undermining my relationship with DD by showing her he lies to me, that she can lie to me and keep secrets from me.

I'm going to mull it over some more but I'm edging towards contact centre now even though it's the last thing I want for DD. I just cannot continue to let him undermine my relationship with DD when all I've ever done is support hers with him. I'm just tired of this needless hassle and undermining. Doing this alone is hard enough, I don't need him making it ten times harder.

For me him telling DD its ok to have 'little secrets that you can't tell mummy', and encouraging her to lie to you would be a big issue, I think it undermines your relationship and potentially her safety TBH.
Allowing her to watch films like that is also cruel IMO, does she even really want to or is it all about him and what he wants to do and she has to go along with it to try and keep 'in' with her dad?
Has your DD said anything about it?

With that in mind then I would seek further advice as having secrets from mummy is deeply unpleasant and it is disturbing if he is trying to de sensitise her for his own selfish pleasure in watching older films.

What if she repeats any of the film lines or content to other children her age?

When my son was at junior school a boy had seen the film Chucky and started talking about it in the playground, they were about 7 or 8 at the time and a lot of children went home and mentioned Chucky to their parents and there was a bit of a Hoo ha over it. The boy's mother was mortified as she and her husband had gone out for their anniversary or a birthday, it was a one off special event and left the care of their son and his younger brother to her older adult son from her first marriage.

The younger boys had fallen asleep on the sofa and the older boy left them there whilst he watched the film but one of the younger boys had woken and lay there watching it whilst his older brother thought he was asleep.

Your daughter will repeat things she has seen even it's just to name a film.

He obviously isn't going to take any interest in anything you say. I would phone family services at your local council and ask for advice. You can be anonymous if you like but they may suggest something or even be prepared to have a woes with him if you feel that's best.

Thanks for the advice Sunday. Not, it's all about him getting her to watch what he likes. She doesn't know the films to ask to watch them. What he does is show her little bits, talks them up and encourages her to watch them. The films I know about so far are The Birds and Poltergeist. It's what I don't know about that worries me. DD hasn't said a word about it. She's a chatterbox, and it was pretty easy to find out what went on at her dads without even questioning her as she just talks endlessly about whatever she's done/seen.

The last time this was brought up she was worried about getting into trouble from her dad because she said something about what she'd watched and then realised she wasn't supposed to tell me. I told her at the time she wasn't to worry about it, it was grown up stuff and she wouldn't get into trouble. I explained to ex, in very simple terms, why encouraging DD not to lie to me or keep secrets was wrong, and I genuinely thought the penny finally dropped with him.

It came up again as he wanted to watch a Halloween themed15 film at the weekend and I said no way. We argued discussed my position v his position and even though he still strongly disagrees with my POV I specifically asked him to agree to not show DD 15 or 18 films at his or anywhere else and he agreed. That was the only reason DD was there at the weekend, because I specifically asked for his agreement on that. When he 'confessed' that DD had watched a 15 film he said, in front of DD, 'I thought you would be OK with it as it was made in the 60s'. He'd basically told DD a lie about what we had agreed to, so she would agree to watch it, as I've had to teach her to say no to 15 or 18 films to remind her dad what I've said about what she can watch. She's in a bloody awful position as she adores her dad, and hangs on his every word so when he tells her I've said it's OK she believes him. As I said, she never shuts up but she never said a word in the car on the way home from her dads last night so she knows this situation isn't right. I've also spoken to her about telling lies and how it's really important that she doesn't keep secrets from me. So she's obviously worried about what's going to happen because she was there when he brought it up.

I think I might take some proper advice on this as clearly I'm just going to continue to hit a brick wall where he's concerned. I've only recently had a lengthy discussion with DD's head teacher about some other stuff, and she remarked how difficult it must be for DD to be getting conflicting 'parenting' in each home. Thanks again for the advice. Much appreciated. It gives me some ideas of where to go with this.

I would have preferred my children to see a smutty film than The Birds!

"
Parents need to know that this film isn't dirty, gory, or any of the other things parents fear from brutal modern horror flicks, however some of the scenes, particularly the one where off-screen birds attack and wound screaming children on a playground, are downright disturbing. Most of the fear is derived from suspense."

Age 8 is too young in my opinion and I love the film!

Between 12 and 14 is the earliest I would think, to understand the film, let alone not be frightened by the bird attacking scenes.

As for Poltergeist, that is just wrong to expose an 8 year old girl to.

"What parents need to know
Parents need to know that this movie touches on many things that are frightening to kids (and some adults), including scary shadows in the dark, monsters in the closet, and separation from family. A character rips the flesh from his face (though eventually we see he's hallucinating). A young boy is attacked by a ghost-inhabited tree. A girl is taken from her parents and held in a netherworld where she's menaced by a character it's intimated is evil. The parents are seen smoking marijuana, and are apparently regular users."

Useful website here

www.commonsensemedia.org

You search the film and get common sense answers on film content and age appropriation.

Perhaps send him the link and feel free to send him my comment as I do not feel he has his daughters best interests at heart by letting her watch these films.

The whole point of being a child is that you get to look forward to doing adult things when you are older. Otherwise we may as well let our kids smoke, drink, have sex at whatever age they want so that by the time they are 18 they are well and truly jaded!

If my child came home and told me that so and so is allowed to watch films of an adult or older nature I would probably discourage the child from coming to our house as I wouldn't want their precociousness effecting my child and introducing them to adult themes and phrases.

Can you imagine putting on a Disney DVD and your child's friend scorning it and asking if you have got Final Destination instead?

The man needs a slap!