Does it annoy you when people with no experience of being a lone parent try and tell you how to do it right?

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I was just thinking this over and I've noticed on here that there's a few people (who will remain nameless as I'm not doing a personal attack!) who turn up on nearly every single parent/contact thread in AIBU and chat and tell the OP what to do. Usually whatever they say is completely in defence of the NRP (usually a man on these threads I've seen) despite a torrent of uncaring behaviour towards the children that the OP describes. These users have posted about their own situation before which is happily married and never been a LP. It irritates the shit out of me that they try and tell LPs what to do and how to put up with awful exes (and let them dictate everything because at least they are trying!) and attack them for trying to get maintanence their children deserve and need despite never having had to deal with that frustrating situation themselves. I kind of think if they had, they wouldn't be so aggressive with their defence of lazy NRPs.

So it got me wondering! Does that kind of advice from people who've never been there annoy you? How do you handle it in real life when someone who has no clue tries to give you advice on it?

Your perspective on this is very interesting for me.

Actually I have mostly found the opposite.

People who attempt to advise on this issue with no experience will say things like
"I wouldn't stand for that"
"don't let them get away with it" etc etc

People who have been /are in the situation will say something along the lines of
" theres not a lot you can do except damage limitation. You do not have to make them available at every whim require x period notice and stick to it"
" plan something really exciting to do so of he doesn't turn up you can take them out and distract them instead of them stewing at home"
and other such specific advice

I agree with you.

(It is also the same when there are issues of SN/SEN children, step parenting or living with violent and abusive partners.

People with "issues", and agendas pop up.

Not a LP - this thread popped up in my Active Conversations.

I can see how this could be annoying. But don't you think it's interesting to hear the perspective from people with different experiences? You can always just ignore them if you don't find them helpful. If everyone only posted on threads when they had similar experience to the OP then MN would be a very boring place!

Out of interest - what is your definition of a lone parent?

Would a parent who holds the child benefit book and perhaps doesn't even have a residence order and share the care of the DC with their ex count?

Or just one where the other parent has vanished and contributes nothing?

Just something I have been curious about for a while - I have acted as a McKenzie Friend for parents (both men and women!) who are seeking to increase their DC's time and play a meaningful role only for the other parent to claim to be `lone parent'.

I should have clarified. I don't mean people who are giving well meant advice. I mean people who tell you that you shouldn't fight for the right amount of maintenance because you chose to keep the baby so you should pay for it. Or people who say they would never ask the NRP for money because they'd hate to rely on someone else (ignoring where the OP says they are struggling to afford to clothe their child) as if the money is just pocket money rather than actually needed. Or advice to be more independent and forget about the other parent. That type of advice, where it's kicking someone who's already struggling.

Lostdad, my definition of a lone parent is the parent who has the majority of the parenting, financing, day to day decision making and everything else that goes with being a parent for whatever reason while the other parent isn't involved at all or only financially or only when it suits them. I don't have any experience myself of 50/50 or the NRP wanting more access for positive reasons so don't really know my own opinion on how or when it changes from lone to co parenting so won't think on the spot and offend anyone! :)

I consider myself a lone parent even though I fit the first definition lostdad. I have them during the week and xh has them at weekends. We don't have a residence order, in fact we've not actually seen a solicitor. We're lucky because we both work hard to be co-parents. I know most post-split relationships are not like that. My first divorce was exactly the opposite of this one. Fifteen years ago I definitely fit the second definition.

I suppose there is a huge spectrum of lone-ness between your first definition and second. And there's a huge difference between being happily married and sharing childcare to the situations of parents who have partners who are working away a lot or generally absent even though they live in the same house.

I think it can be useful to have different perspectives of situations. Some of the posters who advise who aren't lone parents may have a partner who is an NRP so may want to offer an alternative viewpoint. Similarly I think it can be valuable when lone parents post on the step parenting threads offering a different angle. Otherwise it is just people all consoling and agreeing with each other which may feel nice in the short term but doesn't encourage the OP to think deeply about the situation or come up with solutions.

you need to build enough self confidence to handle it by breezily smiling and saying yes thanks for your opinion and then ignore.
you have the responsibility
you will make decisions, weighing up the pros and cons.
if someone psots for opinions they will get them...

sometimes seing the exact opposite view point can actually help you resolve to do it your way as you know it's the right thing to do in your situation...

At the last FNF meeting I attended we had RP mums and NRP dads - it was interesting. I think that both sides got something out of it - by and large they had similar problems.

I would love to think that everyone thought `Actually I can see it from the other point of view' and it reduced grief and increased cooperation...but then again I am a born optimist!

Yes and No. I am a happily married mum of 3 x DS's. Dh and I are a stable, consistent relationship & parenting team of over 25 years.

BUT, I am also the child of a single mother, who was single from my birth, in the 1960's, who had major relationship and parenting issues while I was small. And when we got to the SDad issue when I was 11, was off the scale in how not to bring up a child. I never had a relationship with my bio father.

I learnt from her mistakes, and feel qualified to offer a perspective from both sides.

I think everyone can bring something..Even separated relationships can be very different...

I find more frustrating than the parents who say I know what it feels like and tell you there story of how they are like a single parent...

That's an interesting question, lostdad. Strangely, I was much more of a lone parent when I was with H but doing everything in the house than I am now that we are separated.

Why is it 'lone parent' these days, not 'single'?