Concerned about possible EA during contact.

[BusyHomemaker]

I haven't posted for a while but here goes...

I left STBexH in Feb due to EA and MH, which he was referred to a psychiatrist for but ignored advice. (I later found out MH problems started 12 years ago). He had unsupervised contact with DD at his parents once a week until June due to his erratic behaviour and treatment of me during hand over. Due to solicitors taking an age I suggested Skype contact which was up and down but improving. It was DD' s 2nd birthday on Friday so we agreed to reinstate supervised contact as stbexh seemed to be making progress, albeit slowly. He had DD for 3 hours last Sunday, then 12 to 6pm as normal yesterday. His large family (4 siblings all with partners and kids) have Sunday lunch at his parents every week. To cut a long story short (I could write soo much more!) DD returned yesterday with a bunch of cards and two soft toys. The year before and at Christmas she was spoilt so I expected sacks of toys and clothes. I asked her father what she got for her birthday and he said a fairy castle but they were keeping all of her presents at his parents for when she visits once a week... they have loads of toys as she has 5 older cousin's. When I asked DD who she saw she replied 'the cousin's (she would normally name who was there). She has a toy mouse who is her comforter and has always been called Mouse. Her father used to call it mousey but I insisted it was mouse as I wanted DD to learn the correct word... he called me and our dog a different version of our own names. His mother was involved in our discussion and agreed with me. Since last week I noticed DD occasionally calling it Mousey which was odd and then last night she referred to the toy as Mousey many times. She is quite emotionally intelligent and already is able to adapt her behaviour for whoever she is interacting with... ie with uncle it's always chase me, Chase me, grandma let's read... Another red flag, which may just be me overreacting, is that her dress was absolutely spotless after contact and let's face it she's two and was there for Sunday lunch and I imagine (hope) birthday cake. The mind boggles! I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I tried to hard to provide DD with and stability. She had a wonderful birthday but just had tantrums last night and this morning. I feel like I've let her down. I should add I'm still awaiting maintenance and am going to call the CSA today as he's had long enough. Also, he chose to move to another city to start a new life back in May. I'm so worried about EA. How can they all give a two year old presents and not let her keep them? It seems so cruel. I don't know what to do!

Tbh, I'm not seeing a problem here. It's not a bad thing that she only came home with 2 soft toys, with other presents being kept at her grandparents. Children have to learn that certain toys are kept in different places - if she was going to a childminder and loved a toy there, she would learn that the toy doesn't come home with her. There's nothing wrong with that.

Mouse or mousey - not seeing a problem. Some children grow up with parents who speak to them in different languages. Having different names for things is fine. Knowing how to adapt to the person you're with is a good skill.

Clean dress - maybe they dressed her up in something else, maybe she had an apron on, maybe she just doesn't spill. Are you afraid there was no birthday cake? Even then, I just don't see a problem. I think the Sunday lunch with her father's family is a fab way to do contact, especially if you have concerns about EA (which I'm not dismissing, by the way. I've been there and I know what it's like to fear how your child is being treated).

This is not something to fight about, honest.

Agree with bibliomaniea, on what you have written there is little to be concerned about.

Upon reflection perhaps you are both right. I'm just scared he will damage DD. It doesn't help that he continues to be abusive towards me and each time we communicate he reminds me he is angry at me for leaving.

agree with the others, hard as it is you have to let go a little. it is good that contact can take place with extended family.

it doesnt matter if she calls her toy mouse or mousey

I'm newly separated from an EA H, too, and I totally understand your worries. I would also be a bit concerned about Mouse/Mousey, because it would make me wonder if they respect DD's right to name her own toys, or if their behaviour will gradually teach her that what they say goes and her rights are secondary to theirs.

That must sound bonkers to most people, but then that's the nature of EA, isn't it? Every little incident sounds trivial, but the bigger picture is scary. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Keep looking out for things and logging your concerns in a journal. That way you can keep an eye on things. In the mean time, you can congratulate yourself that you've removed DD from all that for most of the time, and you can concentrate on giving her a happy, secure home to enjoy and to come back to after her visits away.

The leaving presents at the other house is a pretty normal part of splitting up, not fair perhaps but common.

I agree the other stuff seems trivial to outsiders. I think the problem with EA relationships is that you lose your rational judgement through being driven mad by their awful behaviour. Plus you are obviously very worried they could start on your dc and you won't be there to protect them.

Diary is a very good idea I think.