Ex moving further away. Need a plan for contact.

[DevonFolk]

In brief:

• XH and I split when DD was 11 months.
• First year he lived 4 hours away, visiting her on average every 3 weeks, no overnights.
• When she turned 2 he moved back to be closer to her.
• Loads of issues, but basically contact has become EOW.

Now he's talking about moving away again and I need to work out how on earth to maintain her contact with him.

The problems we've had over the last year make it clear that more than one night at a time isn't an option at the moment. Or at least not something that I can rely on.

He doesn't have friends down here that he can stay with so if he wants to stay locally he'd be having to pay for it.

I don't particularly want to be having to drive for hours every couple of weeks to meet him somewhere. I realise this might have to be a compromise though.

Any suggestions from people who are/have been in this position?

How old is your DD?

Could you suggest the first weekend in every month?

I don't think you need to work out how he can maintain contact. Surely that is up to him seeing as he's the one moving away?
I would ask him to come up with ideas on how he plans to do this then you can work out how this can be accomplished.

Sorry, she's 3.5 now.

I know what you're saying Sleepy but this man is utterly useless at coming up with a plan. I will ask him for ideas and I've made it clear that whatever he/we come up with he has to be able to stick to it. Continuity has been one of the issues over the last 18 months and it's been difficult for DD.

Is having him stay in your house while you stay with family or friends one weekend a month an option ? Then for the second weekend in the month it's up to him to find somewhere to stay ?

Ah, thats rubbish. You're obviously doing your best to ensure your dd maintains contact with her dad but if he's really that unreliable he's unlikely to change.
Men like that just don't seem capable of realizing how damaging their behaviour can be.
I think you have to ask yourself what is best for your dd. I'll probably get flamed for saying this but I do think some children are better off emotionally having no contact and I include my own in that. No let downs, no broken promises, disappointments etc.
All you can really do is make her available for contact and hope he steps up to his responsibilities.

buddha that's a really good logical idea and one that I'd have to give careful thought to. I had to ban him from coming to the house before he moved back down here due to the way he was behaving towards me, but he's better these days. I'm very private and I would feel the need to remove personal stuff. Plus I've only got two bedrooms and I wouldn't like him sleeping in my bed. Maybe I could insist he sleeps in DD's bed and she can go in mine!

Sleepy I absolutely know what you mean. All or nothing is so much better than being messed about. I spend so much time worrying about how DD will be affected by his flighty behaviour.

If it was something you'd consider I'd want him to sleep on the sofa or blow up bed and have a lock on your bedroom door