How do you fit a new partner into your life?

MomentForLife · 2013-10-25T21:19:10+00:00

I've been on my own since DD was born. I see lots of other single parents moving on and having new partners, but I don't seem to be able to. Do people find it's easier to be with someone who already has children as they understand what it's like? My child comes first but I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life. I'm very scared to disrupt my childs life but at the same time how will I ever know how things could be if I don't try?

Theincidental · 25/10/2013 22:24

I feel the same as you. It's so tricky to judge.

I don't have any time away from my son at all, so using a valuable favour asking a friend to babysit to go on a random Internet date seems so silly.

But I too don't want to be on my own forever.

I'm not sure I even know where to start with socialising anymore, as I've been out in the evening about 3-5 times since my son was born.

Original poster

MomentForLife · 25/10/2013 22:36

It is hard isn't it. Its not like I've been desparate to meet someone, most of the time I've been in a little bubble with DD. I love our closeness but it's hit home to me this week when we went away that she is becoming more grown up and I'm sat there on my own while she goes off and plays with new friends.

Like you say it's hard to socialse now.

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notthefirstagainstthewall · 25/10/2013 22:50

Huge generalisations but -I think there are window's where it's easier...mid 30's is good as you are still in the running to meet the newly separated 40 year old men (who have children, and don't want a keen to have their own 20 year old). By your 40's you fall from favour only to be back in the game when everyone's children are gone in your mid to late 50's.
Don't give up hope!

Sasquatch75 · 25/10/2013 22:58

Dammit! I'm 38 and my exh left 3 months ago... So I'm not ready to date again yet. I hope I don't have to wait until I get to 50 to find someone new lol!!!

I'm go the opinion that I need to find aim own who already has kids so they won't want any more... Am def not up for having more kids (I have 3 and that's enough for me).

Sasquatch75 · 25/10/2013 22:59

Aim own?? SOMEONE! Stupid phone correcting things...

Original poster

MomentForLife · 25/10/2013 23:00

There is probably some truth in that! I'm only mid twenties so really struggling with finding the right balance. A lot of men my age are still going out clubbing etc. Maybe I should just try again when I'm 30.lol

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Theincidental · 25/10/2013 23:01

My son is only 2.5, but I've been single for a long long time!

I was wondering if a social life would be easier when he was old enough to go have sleepovers with friends (whatever age that is!) I just can't imagine having a man in the house when my son is here.

Because I don't get any time out, just going out for a few hours once in a while sounds so limited.

I suspect I'm probably not ready for a relationship, but just feel a bit lonely.

ScariestFairyByFar · 25/10/2013 23:02

I'm with you I have no idea how you find time to meet someone never mind then finding space for them! I'm finally happy being single and can't imagine eve living with someone again.

Original poster

MomentForLife · 25/10/2013 23:03

That's another thing Sasquatch. I only have one so if I met someone with kids I suppose I'd have to think about whether I want more of my own or not.

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Original poster

MomentForLife · 25/10/2013 23:16

Theincidental, I think you're in a similar situation to me. I can only manage a drink or meet up now and then so don't feel I can offer anything. I have tried seeing someone but it sort of turned into them being after one thing because it seemed so casual.

I'm not judging at all but I think some people have to have new partners round when kids are in bed or whatever to progress the relationship, maybe it comes naturaly after a while.

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Theincidental · 25/10/2013 23:49

I think you're right OP!

I don't seem to have the space for a relationship at all, even if I did meet someone.

I think the positive I can see in this is that I'm not just going to try and wedge someone into our lives; they'd have to be exactly right.

Before having children I was much less exacting and more "let's see how it goes". I won't compromise for me or my son, so I feel more empowered if that makes any sense at all!

Sasquatch75 · 25/10/2013 23:57

You are all lovely ladies on here putting your children first! Apparently my exh is the 3rd bloke to live with his new girlfriend (the ow) in the last 18 months... She has 2 primary school age kids...

BruceWillisLovesMe · 26/10/2013 00:16

The thing I can't get my head round is how do you know these potential men aren't interested in you BECAUSE of your children. It scares me completely that I could be tricked into inviting someone into our lives who harms dd. My mum was targeted by a man like that but luckily he was caught out before anything too scary happened. I don't want to make the same mistake :( I feel like I will be single forever because I can't see a way of getting past this worry.

Bluecarrot · 26/10/2013 00:27

I was single for 8 out of 10 years before meeting my DP.

I've been extremely lucky to have family and friends who babysat when I was ready to date.

I find a bit torn sometimes as ill always put dd first - she was here first, I loved her first etc. I did wonder how it compared to other parents who married and then had kids. I'm now due dd2 with DP in jan so I guess I'll find out if it feels different then. ( hope that comes across as I mean it!)

Original poster

MomentForLife · 26/10/2013 00:44

Thanks for all the replies, it helps to hear it from someone else.

Theincidental that it exactly how I feel. I can't just see what happens like before because of bringing new people into our lives then back out again.

I hate to judge Sasquatch but that is the kind of thing that makes me think maybe some people do rush things and what effect does it have on the children.

Bruce I'm glad you said that. I didn't want to add to my depressing moan but I have read recently about this kind of thing. I like to think that because we worry so much and are thinking of all these things we'd sense something wasn't right. Its horrible to think like that but you have to, especially if you imagine one day leaving children with them etc.

Bluecarrot it's lovely to hear from someone who's met someone. Don't worry I get what you mean.

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Original poster

MomentForLife · 26/10/2013 00:52

Oh and forgot to say, yes ScariestFairy, I don't think I'd have any idea how to find a man now let alone keep him.lol

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Meglet · 26/10/2013 11:34

I don't. There simply isn't the time available around work and the kids, I can just about fit in the odd gym visit (I never go out in the evenings) and I'm not sacrificing them on the off chance I might meet someone. It wouldn't be fair on the dc's to have a new man around in case it didn't work, they've already 'lost' their dad and my dad died, my sister introduces them to different partners every so often. For us boring stability is good.

It's been 5yrs now and I've accepted I won't have another relationship until the kids leave for uni, so 13yrs to go!

I can't have any more DC's either. So I would only get in a relationship with a man who had his own children and understand all the chaos that goes with it!

babyseal · 26/10/2013 16:12

I have only been single a year, and am really not ready for a relationship yet, but, sometimes my mind wanders and I wonder what if and I can only conclude he would have to be a saint! He would have to be happy with only seeing me every other Saturday and a Wednesday evening for, ooooh, two hours or so when I get home from work and before I collapse snoring on the sofa at 9.30pm! He would also potentially have to put up with the wrath of the other male in my life, a very protective 5 year old .

Seriously, between looking after a 5 and a 2 year old, my career, housework, seeing my lovely bunch of friends who I have no intention of dropping for a man, I just can't see it happening. It makes me a bit sad .

notthefirstagainstthewall · 26/10/2013 23:41

I have found a lot of single men have the same issues though- a nice routine with their children, time consuming jobs etc.They are looking for a compatible person to share the things they are interested in - whether that be sex or fishing or sport.

I have also noticed men with children often have financial issues and prefer women who aren't too concerned about sharing half a house or have more independent lifestyle. Which is tricky if you see sharing a house as a commitment rather than a monetary advantage.

It is a whole new ball game when you have children.

Galdos · 26/10/2013 23:57

I'm mid 50s bereaved with twin Year 7s and a third at high school. I work full time and have been out in the evening socially - without the kids - twice in the last eight years. I've lost about all interest in a new relationship (Who? Where? How?). The kids are adorable, but the evenings are lonely and boring, and alcohol alleviates, but shouldn't. I'm on my second bottle as I tap this, and not looking forward to bed. Thank God for YouTube and music!

From my experience, I'd say prioritise social relationships over the kids' needs, as you need a network not to go insane, and kids will survive (the idea that kids are 'robust' is garbage, but they are generally accepting, having little choice). Since my time is spent on either work or housework I am of course insane (not having a social network because of work, except at work - Sunday evenings are my dread time, when I am shattered).

Galdos · 26/10/2013 23:58

I'm mid 50s bereaved with twin Year 7s and a third at high school. I work full time and have been out in the evening socially - without the kids - twice in the last eight years. I've lost about all interest in a new relationship (Who? Where? How?). The kids are adorable, but the evenings are lonely and boring, and alcohol alleviates, but shouldn't. I'm on my second bottle as I tap this, and not looking forward to bed. Thank God for YouTube and music!

From my experience, I'd say prioritise social relationships over the kids' needs, as you need a network not to go insane, and kids will survive (the idea that kids are 'robust' is garbage, but they are generally accepting, having little choice). Since my time is spent on either work or housework I am of course insane (not having a social network because of work, except at work - Sunday evenings are my dread time, when I am shattered).

Galdos · 26/10/2013 23:59

I'm mid 50s bereaved with twin Year 7s and a third at high school. I work full time and have been out in the evening socially - without the kids - twice in the last eight years. I've lost about all interest in a new relationship (Who? Where? How?). The kids are adorable, but the evenings are lonely and boring, and alcohol alleviates, but shouldn't. I'm on my second bottle as I tap this, and not looking forward to bed. Thank God for YouTube and music!

From my experience, I'd say prioritise social relationships over the kids' needs, as you need a network not to go insane, and kids will survive (the idea that kids are 'robust' is garbage, but they are generally accepting, having little choice). Since my time is spent on either work or housework I am of course insane (not having a social network because of work, except at work - Sunday evenings are my dread time, when I am shattered).