3 years and counting...

[diyan]

Hi, this is my first time posting on here and looking for some advise, so here goes.

My ex and I separated approx 7 years ago, all seemed reasonably amicable and he saw our 2 children regularly. This was an overnight stay every other weekend. Things started to go wrong about 4 years ago, when he met his present partner. He introduced her to the children straight away and all was good for a while. He then contacted me one evening to say that our current arrangement of the boys staying was not "convenient anymore". Gob smacked not the word, especially since I have learnt the reasoning behind it was because it stopped his GF from going out! He carried on visiting them and taking them out but this got less and less. I eventually gave him an ultimatum when 3 months passed between visits (birthdays) and told him it had to be proper contact not just Xmas and Birthdays. He took the no contact option.

This was just over 3 years ago (18th sept). During his time with no contact children were badly effected. Long story short eldest ended up seeing psychologist. Psychologist wrote 4 letters to ex requesting him see his children through them but he gave a quick note to the first saying no. I have seen him since twice, once with our youngest where he didn't even say hello to him, I felt I had to say something and when asked why he didn't reply to psychologists letters he just shrugged and asked what I wanted him to do, duh, get in touch. The second I visited him at his place of work after one of my sons started approaching strangers to ask questions about him. To this he asked why do I want him to see the kids.

Now both my children want to see him and have a relationship with their father. My question is, do I have a leg to stand on? Can I take him to mediation or court to force access visits? Has anyone else been in this type of situation wanting their ex to see kids?

Many thanks in advance, D x

Hope this doesn't come across as harsh but in what way would the relationship possibly benefit them right now? If he is pressured into it, it wouldn't be a nice fatherly relationship. If he starts contact again and vanished again, how would that affect your children?

I wonder if maybe you'd be better spending the time and energy helping your children deal with the fact their dad is a selfish twat and helping them find a way to cope without seeing him rather than trying to convince this man that he should see his children.

My ex stopped and started contact, it was horrible for dc and they were constantly upset.

In the past I did chase him and plead with him to see dc but he always stopped again. They have been much happier in themselves with no contact because they are used to it and their lives are settled and consistent. As much as I would not have chosen this life for my children, I have had to learn to accept that their father is the way he is.

I think if you are going to do anything proactive in getting your ex to see your kids, you would need to make sure that he will be consistent as stopping and starting contact would be so much more damaging for your dc in the long run.

Or possibly consider occasional contact arrangements so your dc have a thread of contact with their father, but nothing often and regular, so they don't notice so much if he goes for a long time without seeing them.