He never bring her clothes back...!

[MissMuesli]

Sorry, I know this may seem very trivial but it's really bugging me!

Basically, me and my ex share the care of our 2 year old (me 5 days, him 2 days). He constantly expects me to send her dressed and with a spare set of clothes which is fine in itself, but I NEVER get anything home again. When I ask him for clothes back he throws the "You get CSA, buy her some new ones". Which is fine but she doesn't actually NEED new clothes!
He also refuses to buy anything (he tried forcing me to buy her a sunhat to keep at his house as I get all the CSA) at all for her, which is why he said he needs so many clothes at his house. But how many outfits does a 2 year old need for a one day visit?!

Short of sending her in her pjs I'm not sure what I can do. I've talked to him about this so many times, but he doesn't listen and just throws back about "all of his money that I get". When I did eventually beg for some clothes back he had 3 massive bags full, some clothes I'd not seen for a good 4 months and so were too small.

There is also the issue that he keeps throwing clothes away that are "too small". One pair of pjs he threw away easily had about another 2 months left, I'm a single mum at college, on benefits. I can't afford to keep on replacing clothes that don't actually need replacing!

I'm not sure how to approach this, I don't want to send her in pjs but not sure what other choices I have. Rather pettily, he sent DD in a lovely little nightie that he wants back, I'm holdind to ransom at the moment which is truly ridiculous. I'm currently having to alternate between 2 pairs of leggins as that is all I have here at the moment!

Can you set up some mediation with another family member/ neutral party or get in contact with a mediation service? Whilst the action itself is petty the intention is abusive and controlling towards you

Poor you, what a bastard.

I would actually send her in her pjs and explain to him that all her other clothes are in the wash!

You have my sympathy, my ex constantly 'forgets' to send stuff back. Clothes, favourite bedtime toys, her waterproof coat etc etc. I get the same excuse about tax credits but why should I buy two lots of coats, shoes, wellies etc that are outgrown 3 months later. It shouldn't be that difficult to send things back!

Don't send her any spare things, send her in what she has on and nothing else, he already has a stockpile of things. It sounds like he is being deliberately awkward.

What MaryPoppins says, I know you will feel horrible doing it but you literally can't afford not to do this.

Send her in the nightie next time

I agree, send her in her pyjamas, nothing to take with her. If he says anything, you simply say that you know he has a supply of clothes there so there is no point in DD taking anything else with her.

DD 5yo keeps a small supply of socks, pants and a couple changes of clothes at her dad's. He will wash whatever she is wearing and send it back next time, as he kept mixing clean and dirty clothes up together in her suitcase.

If I have been given hand-me-downs, then I pass on spare sets of wellies, trainers etc.

Thank you! I hate the idea of sending her in pjs especially it's becoming so cold, I'd rather wrap her up, but I don't have anything to wrap her up in!

I did temporarily do a list of what I was sending each time, so then when he asked for clothes I could say "I sent pink leggins on Tuesday, she could wear them" but it made the hand over so tense and horrible. I think though going back to that might be an idea!

I think I will just do the PJ idea, and let him moan and complain! I'm not sure things will be any easier, but it's really helpful to hear that I'm not being unreasonable!

Also, coffee, you are right, his behaviour is controlling. I left him after a string of emotional abuse always along the lines of crap parenting, never being too enough, too fat, not good enough at house work etc. he hates that he can't control me anymore, so uses our DD to "get me". This is just an extension of that really!

Just tell him that she doesn't have any clothes left because they are all at his house and the few things you do have, are all in the wash :)

Of course it's about the control.

just buy several pairs of pjs from charity shop,and send her in them.

If he keeps them, we'll its no loss.

As for,all the stuff he sends back when outgrown, (which is so obviously deliberate) our lokal children's centre runs a Clothes swap, there must be something similar near you, or even on mumsnet. Just swap the clothes for some that do fit.

Once he realises he can't control you with this, he will pack it in. Especially as in another year or so she will start to get more opinionated.

Not saying he won't try it on with some other pathetic ruse to get your attention, but at least it will be a change, and hopefully eventually he will move on to some other poor woman, man up, parent his child and stop messing with you.

The clothes she is wearing is fine for 2 days. Even if he had nothing for her himself, he only has to wash and dry what she was wearing, overnight and put her back in them the next day.

pjs cheap trackie bottoms he q retains the vast proportion of hia wage for the specific purpose he can support his child

Send her with a set of clothes - spares aren't needed. He is should be an independent parent without having to rely on you just as you are.

My son splits my time between my home and his mother's. It was very acrimonious and from the start my son had everything he needed while he was with me. He arrives with the clothes on his back and goes to her with them.

You don't forget things this way too.

FWIW DH has a full wardrobe (bar shoes) for his DC's when they come to us. He baulked at it to begin with as his ex literally stopped sending them in anything, other than tatty rags and shoes that were falling to pieces, with no notice whatsoever. We now have a lovely wardrobe of clothes for them here and relatively decent charity shop clothes to send them home in (they rarely return). DH's ex dresses DSD like a little hooker and DSS like a tramp anyway so we really didn't want any of their clothes from hers!
If you look in charity shops in slightly more affluent areas you can get some lovely clothes so your DD can at least look respectable - I found a new Brora shirt for DSD for 50p!
It's a PITA but best to save your sanity for the bigger battles - they wear you down otherwise!

I HAD THIS SAME PROBLEM BEFORE! IT WAS BAFFLINGLY INFURIATING! You have my sympathy :-)

I had a similar problem. So when the dc go for an overnight they take clean pants, socks and top. Trousers and jumpers can be worn twice. That way he can't keep much (and they have loads of tops, but not many trousers)
If he doesn't send anything back (which is very rare now) I don't send clean stuff and tell him at handovet that I haven't bothered putting clean clothes in, as he should have some from last visit. :)

He will be paying 2/7 less CSA money if you have shared care. Tell him to use the money he has saved to buy clothes to keep at his.

I feel your pain. Ex refused to send any clothes or shoes home so in the end I had to stop sending anything. He now sends OW shopping in charity dhops and she buys them some right shockers (she has a personal weakness for leopard skin prints so tends to seek those out for the kids as well My eldest is starting to become a bit more aware of what she wears snd I know shes refused to wear some of the particularly stained/ non fitting stuff she's been presented with.
Ex and Ow are a right pair of weirdos when it comes to the kids property . They aren't allowed to bring even the tiniest toy home for a few days. In fact the only things they bring home are headlice

Thank so much everyone! It's been really helpful to find out that I'm not being unreasonable as suggested by ex! Will be returning nightie tomorrow, and sending her in just one outfit that can be worn 2 days or washed overnight is desperately needed!