'do I have to see daddy again soon'

[freemanbatch]

A question asked by my eldest this morning that I really don't know how to answer.

I was informed on Thursday that the CPS won't be laying any charges against my kids dad in relation to the DV and rapes I've been subjected to throughout our relationship. Four emails confessing to it all aren't enough to charge him apparently because he says I made him write them by threatening he wouldn't see the kids.

Sadly I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about this and he gets away with it and my focus now has to be on protecting my little girls.

They haven't seen him since the end of June and the eldest has gone from being a child who screamed, cried and shouted at everything, was aggressive and violent at school, who hardly slept and who woke screaming from nightmares most nights to a little girl who smiles, has lots of friends at school, sleeps the night through, questions my decisions politely and will engage in discussions about why she's not allowed to do things rather than having a tantrum and who has made such progress at school that her teacher says she is unrecognisable from the girl she met for transition week in in the middle of June.

On the day I got the reply from the police my eldest was at home because school was shut and sadly I wasn't entirely able to hide my upset from her. My parents came to see us and played with her but she knew something wasn't right and on Friday at school she was a complete nightmare, screaming and shouting and almost uncontrollable. I'd spoken to her teacher and explained the situation with the dad in the morning so they were gentle with her as much as they could be but she was really not good.

Over the weekend she asked me if she would have to see him again soon and I just didn't know what to say. Without conviction I know its unlikely that I will be able to stop him seeing them but I won't ever hand them over voluntarily not now I've seen the change in them over a relatively short period of not seeing him.

I'm not altogether sure what the point of this post is but I guess if anyone has any advice as to what the hell I tell her I would really appreciate it.

How old are the kids? Be very careful what you say in front of them... Have they witnessed anything? You can talk to womens aid who can give them supportive counselling..my son had it and went into school to see him.

the eldest is 6, I have been complemented by every professional the children have come into contact with during the investigation on the fact that the children are positive about their father and that there is no indication at all that I have ever said a bad word about the man to them.

I am very careful about this and I am in no way dismissive of their father. They talk about him and including him in imaginary games we are playing and we talk about him whenever they raise the subject.

When he left he told the kids that he had to leave because he'd done some naughty things to mummy and upset her, an explanation I could have happily killed him for I have to say, but it has meant that she has needed support in understanding the difference between what adult can do to each other and what children do and this wasn't something I was in a position to engage with so she has had a support worker talking to her about things and the support worker says DD is confused because I am always so nice about her dad and yet he told her he'd hurt me.

They have both been intimidated by him and emotionally abused by him and when I dared to refuse to have sex with him he threatened to hurt the youngest in front of the oldest and told them it was my fault for making him angry.

It's a horrible situation and I had relied on the law to protect the kids but sadly it has let me down and I now need to come up with a new plan!

you still ahve recourse to law - if he goes to court fo conatact you can maek a case for supervised contact only.
yuo can tell dd that is she sees him it will be with another adult present in a special centre.

you need to go to gp and get it recorded how upset she ahs been at thought of seeing him/
get cpies of any eacher reports any thign else pointing out how she imporved on not seeing him etc.

sit tight and dont offer contact, let him go to court.

the fact cps wont prosecute - wll it is still r ecorded as a report made by you about him.

you dont have to be nice about him - jsut factual. you can be nice about that you met and made the DC together - but that later he did do bad thins.

you cant get away from that.
what he did wasnt nice.
you cant sugar coat it.

Thanks Cestlavielife

The school are very supportive and the ed psych said he is sure that all her issues were to do with experiencing DV and that another six months of safe, secure life should see her appearing totally 'normal' although we'll have to be aware of things that might still exist underneath and makes sure she knows how to get them out should she want to. He is less confident of how things will be should she have to have contact with her dad again so there is no way I will be offering him any contact with the kids. If a court orders contact I will be positive about it with the kids and it will not effect the way life is the rest of the time and I will work as hard as I can to make sure she's not upset by it.

I was thinking about whether the fact I pretend I am happy about things all the time, even though he's told her he hurt me badly enough to make him have to leave, is actually detrimental to her ability to process the situation. I don't want her to ever think she should not be upset by her dad because I'm not or that she should put up with being hurt by him because I do. It's such a hard thing to work out what to do for the best!!

If he loves his kids he will see the report from the school and the ed psych and he'll ask for nothing more than indirect contact until the professionals are sure she is recovered enough and strong enough to deal with him and he'll get some help for himself at the same time but sadly I really don't think his focus is on the kids.

My personal opinion is there is a complete difference between saying You dad is great and acknowledging what he did...If she has memories of what he did she may well be more confused by the your dad is great..

I also when my son was small put on the smiley face but as he has got older I have thought he needs to see I do have a wide range of emotions and it is ok to be cross, I still love him and will look after him, I can be sad, I can be too tired to bother... I think it is good for them to see a range of emotions...

Just to add...Sounds like you are doing an amazing job

I agree with starlight

Sounds like your dd is very confused.
I would keep statements about their father factual and mininal. And I would defiantly go for supervised
contact if you can.