Christmas contact

[Divinity]

This year will be my first alone with the kids since he left. I'm trying to work out the best contact arrangements for the DCs seeing their Dad over Christmas.

Their Dad sees them regularly but does not have them overnight (safeguarding issue). He's fine with this arrangement. I have no wish to cook him Christmas day dinner not least because he will just sit and txt his gf all day.

I thought boxing day would be fine for him to take them out but should I invite him round on Christmas Day? I'm not sure what to do for the best.

We alternate one year we have DD for Christmas the next for new year. So yes offering Boxing Day this year is fine, but consider that you might need to offer Christmas Day next year.

If you want him to see DD on Christmas Day then maybe do an hour or too in the evening before bed after dinner so you don't have to cook for him. How old is DD maybe if she's old enough you can ask her if that's okay?

To me, Christmas is about the children, so if having him there for lunch (and putting up with the texting ...grrr!) is what it takes to make them happy I would grit my teeth and bear it, in fact that's what I am doing again this year (although no GF, as nobody else would be daft enough to have him!)

XH will come over early in the morning to watch them open their prezzies, stay for lunch (I don't do a big roast, just something easy as thankfully no-one is that fussed about roasts in my family!) then XH will go home later in the day and DP will come over with his DCs, who will have also spent the day with their dad, mum & mum's BF. It is a bit weird, but it works for us.

However, if it would make you anxious or is likely to cause an argument then that will ruin Christmas for them, so perhaps split the day in half?

I think it depends on what the safeguarding issues are and what contact is now...My ex only ever saw Ex in contact centre and eventually soft play area with mum supervising...He never saw him Christmas in contact centre and the next year I suggested he took him to a party at soft play out of normal visitation to so they could see him meets Santa..they turned up 15 mins late which at 3 is a long time to wait....

So I think you need to look at what will work for the family? Is there some way he can have some quality time over christmas

My DSs are 7&5. The oldest having ASD. The ex cannot cope with bedtime routine if the eldest in particular is having a bad day.

I know I cannot deal with the texting. He used to txt gf when married to me, while I was talking to him too! I was talking to him about our DSs last week and he did this. I had to leave as I could feel rage bubbling up inside. I obviously haven't forgiven him!

Alternate Christmas is one way or him taking them for the afternoon/evening.

I might be better alternating. Hhmm.

I do something similar to Twostepsbeyond.

I don't particularly want to have to spend the day with my ex-H, but it's not about us, it's about our DS. I do try and make it work for me, so that I don't have to spend all day with Ex-H.

He comes round about 10.30, does the present opening with DS, while I make us bacon butties. I then go back to bed, as we are normally up early and this gives DS and his Dad some quality time alone. We all then have Christmas dinner about 4ish, ex-H does the dishes and goes home about 6pm.

Another option is what we did as children. Woke up at my Mums house, opened presents, had Christmas lunch at 2pm and then at about 3.30 my Dad picked us up and we did present opening and an evening buffet at his house and came home about 9pm. I really enjoyed doing that as a child.

I like that last option Lucyccfc as well as the alternating Christmases. Are my DCs to young to ask their opinion on this (7+5)?

I know it's not about myself and the ex. I'm usually very good at containing emotions and being amicable but it seems my tolerance for the texting is zero and the last thing I want to do is cause an atmosphere.

My parents did alternate Christmas/Boxing Day (with calls to the other parent on Christmas morning and full on stockings/tree/meal on both days) for years with my brother and I - it worked really well and we were stupidly excited about having two Christmas Days!

DH and I are having our first Christmas this year with all 3 of our children together - I made a big thing with DH's children (5&7) about how exciting it would be to have a Christmas with us AND a Christmas with mummy so they seem to be very happy with it. Fingers crossed that she won't withhold them again this year as we were supposed to have them last year but when DH told her that we were getting married she mysteriously changed the plans (that she had insisted on being fixed 6 months beforehand!) and refused to explain why.

My son alternates Christmas between my place and hers. Saying that, that he's allowed overnights with me and it took a court case for it to happen.

if ther ewill be another relative/adult on had on the day to temper whatever your ex does than it might work...otherwise have him come in between meals ? but that might not suit him...

DP and I also had a fake Christmas last year a few days before the real thing, with a proper dinner and presents from us to the other's DCs - tbh that felt more festive than the actual day to me and the DCs were all really happy to spread it out over a couple of days + seeing other relatives on Boxing day etc.

I always say that Christmas is not just a day, its a season, so other than waking up to find that Santa has been, everything else can be done on any date, so if it helps to have a separate day then do that. X can come round first thing to watch them open their presents and then the rest of it can be done whenever its convenient for you.

We eat xmas dinner on xmas eve, then exh comes over on xmas day (in the morning to open pressies) I've always told him that if he wants a cooked dinner then he can go somewhere else for it - he usually does.

I also agree with poster who said it's not just a day it's a season so i always do lots with the kids in the build up and we have lots of our own 'traditions'.

We always shared Christmas lunch together with our children until last year when our youngest was 26. The first few years were hard but it was easier as time past, even though my ex had a new partner who must be very understanding.

Children learn by example and benefit from seeing separated parents communicating positively and reconciling their differences so that they (the children) can communicate effectively in their own adult relationships. There can't be much worse for children than not being able to share important occasions such as big birthdays, graduation and marriage with both parents present without everyone treading carefully as if on eggshells.

lostdad Thu 24-Oct-13 14:01:20
My son alternates Christmas between my place and hers. Saying that, that he's allowed overnights with me and it took a court case for it to happen.

Every family is different and there is no absolute guarantee the courts will grant alternate Christmases. Some judges think it is the interests of children to have the security of one home and each year there is at least one case where a judge thinks it is better for children to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning.