contact arrangements - dilemma

[probablyparanoid]

I don't know what the best thing to do is. I have been separated for 6 months and ex has the 3 children over night one night during the week and then every other weekend. We agreed that we would share holidays and shared most of the summer hols.
Our split is not amicable and the children's arrangements are not amicable either

Now 1/2 term has come up and the older ones have said that they want to spend 1/2 of 1/2 term with me and half with dad. I had previously agreed with dad that he would have them this 1/2 term as I had them last 1/2 term - taking them away on holiday for a week.

He is not taking them anywhere and only lives 10 mins away but I think they see my house as more of their home and just want to chill out at 'home'. I feel badly for them as I feel that they should have some choice in the matter but I also feel badly for my ex as he wants to spend time with them too. It would be different if he was taking them away - they would not have any issue with that - but if they are not away I think that they just want to be in my house.

I also think that it does not feel right if he is not going away that I should not see the children at all for 9 days when we live so close - my youngest is only 4 . On the other hand - it is his week - to do what he likes with so I don't feel I have a right to ask for anything.

I did ask if I can have them over for tea one night during the week but was met with a stony silence.

There is also an issue that one child is shortly due to do a music exam and needs to practice with me - he should not do nothing for a whole week just before the exam and ex is self admittedly useless at this. So I need to arrange that he comes over for 1/2 an hour every other day perhaps. I am scared of even mentioning this one.

I am getting in a pickle over a short week I think. Just don't know how to sort out my feelings and what the best thing to do is. Any advice would be much appreciated. I have also posted under divorce section.

How old are all the children as you only give us the youngest age? I think that has a big bearing on whether they get a say in where they are.

Ahhh, I think you are very reasonable. And it is silly not to see your kids for nine days if there are a few minutes away.

We split the holidays including half-terms, but if one or other of us wants to go away, then we sort that out in advance. When we have had dss and his mum happened to be visiting our town, she saw him for an afternoon.

So I would email your ex and say as he is not going to be away, it would be nice for the kids to come to yours for a night or two in the middle of the week - nine days is a lot for a 4-year-old when s/he knows you are nearby. And say you will also use that time to help prep your dc for his music exam (as if you are both concerned about this). It's easier to set out your case in an email than speaking on the phone, and gives the other person a chance to reflect (and hopefully be reasonable).

I wouldn't arrange for one dc to come over every day though - that would be hard on your 4-year-old and would interrupt the children's time with their dad. Give that dc a mini timetable for the week and tell him he has to do half an hour a day. Treat it as an opportunity for independence - if he doesn't practice and he does badly in the exam, that will be a lesson for him. It doesn't really matter that much, and isn't the key issue here so I would swallow your frustration over this.

I feel for you as I would hate this situation. Try to keep as calm as possible.

Thanks for your responses - the older ones are 11 and 12. I feel bad as the I had promised him the 1/2 term.

The trouble is that he does not really have the money (or the organisational skills!) to take the kids away. But that should not in itself deprive him of having a week to himself with the kids as I have when I go away with them.

On the other hand it just does not feel right them staying with him around the corner and it is not what the older ones want and not good for the little one.

Emails are very difficult - when ever we do anything in emails he just sends reams of stuff and he is clever to make me out as the baddie and I feel that I have to answer everything point by point and I just don't have the energy and feel that it is such a waste of time.

I think it would be very unfair, if you have agreed full weeks, to suddenly change it after you have had your week. I also think it would be a very unfortunate message to send that contact is only 'worth it' for a holiday. If you now think splitting the weeks is better for the kids, propose it for subsequent half-terms, possibly through mediation? By all means ask as per squiddle's excellent suggestion, to see them for a couple of evenings - obviously you'll have to be prepared to offer that the other way round when it is 'your' half term. But this early into the new circs for the kids, I think they should have a chance of some uninterrupted quality time with Dad - hopefully they'll find it more enjoyable than they think.

A handy hint about emails - don't try and answer every point! Just answer the bit that is important. But if it is really tricky, text him with your suggestion.

I hope it works out. Half-terms seem to be a real sticking point for quite a few families I think (though they are not as bad as Christmas, of course).

If he only lives a few minutes away then why is the day-to-day care not more even?

Sounds like he is keen to spilt holiday and fun times 50/50 but let you take the majority of the general day-to-day humdrum of life with kids.

Just how I see it from your OP, it may of course not be like that.

Fwiw I think that the older two should probably have some say in where they spend their time or they will only become resentful if forced into arrangements they are not happy with.