So fed up of DD coming home STINKING

[NomNomNom]

I'm so fed up. DD (4) frequently comes home from her dad's bedsit absolutely stinking of cold grease. It makes me feel sick. Her hair and clothes really really stink even after just 90 mins.

I have told him nicely and not so nicely. Some weeks it's fine and she doesn't smell at all. He always gets defensive and aggressive, he tells me my house smells too, I apparently just don't notice it because I'm used to it. Plus his nose is not very sensitive, so theres nothing he can do about DD smelling as he just doesn't know what I mean. I'm pretty sure my house doesn't smell too bad as sometimes when I come home I notice e.g. the bin smell, so I do something about it.

Tonight I spent another Sunday night doing washing as he decided that as DD had told him I was planning to wash her hair at bedtime anyway, he might as well give her roast chicken for dinner.

I washed her hair, no problem. Roast dinner is great, I don't begrudge DD sharing this with her dad at all. But after washing her clothes ad coat with detergent, soda crystals, plus Zoflora in place of conditioner, they still bloody smell!! And the sitting room, where her coat spent ca. 30 minutes before getting chucked in the wash, smells too.

I can't bloody stand it. And he's made it clear he will do absolutely nothing about it.

Why does his place smell so bad when (I'm pretty sure) mine doesn't after cooking an identical meal?

The smell is in all his clothes as well - sometimes he 'babysits' when I go out in the evening and I can smell it as soon as I get in.

What can I do? I don't say anything about this to DD as it's not exactly the best welcome to be told she smells, but I never really get the chance to have a serious conversation with her dad on our own, so sometimes she overhears (I know, it's bad), and he really isn't bothered anyway. Argh!

Are you sure it's grease and not damp or something?

Sorry poppet but I think you should leave this battle and work on maintaining a good relationship with your DD's father. In the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if she comes home a bit whiffy and it is only your perception. If she's fed, clothed and warm, that's enough.

I know there's no point to this battle, but sometimes I won't have time to wash everything in the evening and it might be too late to wash her hair, so she'll be smelly at school. I don't want this to happen. I also don't want her to associate coming back from her dad's with immediately jumping in the shower while her clothes get disinfected.

It could be damp too as he has problems with this (but won't let landlord sort it out as he'd have to move out for several weeks!), but this is a distinctive greasy-bacon-meat-grill smell.

There probably isn't anything you can do really, apart from maybe advise him to open windows when he cooks, if he would be receptive to that?

Can you have a set of going to dads clothes for her to wear and if bath night is every night with a hair wash on his nights it won't seem odd to her?

You could also maybe get some dry shampoo to freshen her hair up (i know that's a bit crap but ok.if you've not got time to wash it)

In a bedsit, smells have less room to dispel. I have a friend who lives in one and he's always cold because he has to leave the window open so much to let out cooking smells.

If he is living in a bedsit I presume everything inc cooking happens in one room?

That would explain it.

I've asked him to try opening the windows when he cooks. The first time he excitedly asked if I could tell what he'd cooked and seemed pleased with himself - but it was just as smelly as before, so I assume he doesn't even bother now.

DD gets eczema during the colder months so I was hoping not to have to bath/shower her every day. Because of this I also try to avoid too many chemicals, so dry shampoo might not be ideal (might try it though, hadn't even thought of that), and obviously washing her clothes with Zoflora (FFS!) is far from ideal.

He has a separate kitchen (though it's obviously next to the main room). The front door opens straight into the kitchen.

Does he cook a lot in oil? Does he change the oil regularly?

I have a friend who deep fries or roasts every meal in lots of cooking oil. She rarely opens the windows, although tbh it doesn't make much difference because the soft furnishings in her home are ingrained with the smell.
My clothes do smell when I have been over hers, even for only a short time.
It is very difficult to eradicate the smell afterwards.

I try to wear old clothes when I visit her. Could your DD wear old clothes to visit? Or wear clothes that dad has provided?

I can see why it bothers you if it is the same sort of smell because it is not very pleasant and is incredibly difficult to shift from clothes, hair and skin afterwards. It sort of lingers for quite a long time.

try lemon juice to get the smell out.

He roasts/fries a lot I think. I can put DD in old clothes, but she still needs a coat for the way and I can't afford 2.

Wouldn't lemon juice bleach clothes?

I have had this problem too so I know how you feel - the last thing I wanted was for dc to go to school smelling.

I got cheap second hand coats from charity shop, kept them in a sealed bag, then sent dc over in those otherwise I was washing coats every week. I used to have to strip them in front of washing machine when they got home and straight into bath - nightmare!

I use lemon essential oil in my washing - a few drops in fabric conditioner section.

good luck

Thank you, I'll try the lemon essential oil.

Didn't your DC wonder why they had different coats? Did they mind changing as soon as they got home? For how long did you keep this up?

I hope you don't mind all those questions, it's a bit of a tricky/annoying situation.

I would go to Primark/charity shops and get a coat and a few sets of cheap clothes. Straight in the wash when she gets home.

I know a few people who have this problem but it's smoke not food smells.

Is it him, does he wash? The smell is probably soaked into the carpets, curtains, furniture, his clothes. He needs to wash everything and start opening the windows.

He does open the windows afaik. I assume he showers, and his job is one that requires a suit.
I will investigate cheap coats. Just really abhor the idea of officially having 'home' and 'dad's place' things for DD.

Presume if it is a bedsit, then he is cooking in the same room, so bound to be a smell.

Hi NomNom, I don't think my kids noticed the coat thing, we sometimes alternated because some visits in their usual coats were unavoidable, so it was not the only time they ever wore the second coats. They never questioned the baths either as I just worked it into our bathing schedule so a bath on that night was to be expected.

My ds is allergic to cats and exdp has cats so that was also a reason for the washing etc. and made sense to the kids why I would put stuff straight in the wash.

I think you are right to be sensitive to how your dd may feel and agree that it would be a bad idea to give her the real reason for the washing. I think I may have mentioned that scruffy clothes were worn to dads so they could have fun together without worrying about keeping clothes smart. I think any reason you give as long as its positive would be ok. You could suggest your ex buys dd a coat? and then she would have the feeling she was seeing her dad in the special coat he got for her; I do the same for my parents because its nice for people to see kids in clothes they bought.

I was never able to bring it up to my exdp as it would have made a bad situation worse, so I just kept quiet and managed it as best I could. He decided not to see dc eventually so I have no solution long term.

I would suggest that if you do ever talk to him again about this, do it before he is due to be out for the day, or better still going away overnight as he would be more likely to notice the smell when he got home!