Is 45 minutes drive too far?

[mumandboys123]

My ex has moved in with the latest girlfriend. Not an issue (although to be fair, he told the children he was moving in with her and then introduced her to them...! We are all used to this kind of rubbish now, water off a duck's back!). He has so far refused to give me an address and told me he was moving 'locally' and indicated it would be within the boundaries of the town where we live.

With a bit of detective work and the help of the Internet and his business websites, it is clear that he has moved about a 45 minute drive away. He has the children one night in the week (overnight, picking them up from school and returning to school the next day) and two nights (Saturday and Sunday - returning to school on Monday morning) every other weekend. On his week night, one of the children attends a much loved activity which he has a bad habit of not taking him to (probably does it about 50% of the time - child not happy but that's how it's been).

Quite clearly, the evening activity is going to have to stop as there just isn't the time to be travelling up and down the motorway to deal with it. He hasn't told the child about this yet. I am concerned that the 45 minute drive is going to have an impact on them - more from a tiredness point of view than anything. To be fair, I have them at the childminders from 7:30am for my own work so he could travel the distance leaving at about that time and more than get them here on time for school. It just feels... a bit much?

I don't like rocking the boat as he's nasty and he doesn't cope well when challenged, even if the challenge is fair and reasonable. I am probably answering my own questions! Is there anything to be challenged here or is it a wait and see situation and see how the children cope? Any changes would need to involve solicitors, probably the courts, because he's an idiot and won't do mediation or discuss anything sensibly. I am happy to think about changing contact around (maybe the Friday night as well at the weekend, for example and/or a different night in the week so that the eldest can attend his activity) so he doesn't lose contact. All children in primary, the eldest is year 5, the youngest is in reception. Any thoughts?

I don't think 45 minutes is the issue. No way you could change the activity night is there?

No. It's fixed - Cubs. I could look for another group, I guess, but whether he would want to do that or not I don't know. Seems unfair but might be a compromise.

The travelling isn't bad at all I used to travel from the midlands to London every other weekend kids cope fine. Missing clubs is a completely different issue that isn't fair on the children.

I don't think it sounds excessive ,can you just ensure that he doesn't have them on the night that cubs is on .

I agree - the travelling isn't an issue. DS' dad has always lived 30-50 minutes away from DS and I, and in itself it isn't a problem.

What is a concern is the disruption to routines like cubs. Children need that kind of regular structure and routine. For me, attendance would not be negotiable.

I would communicate clearly and fairly - it's his choice to move, and the DC do not deserve to miss out because of this. Although you don't seem to have confirmation that this has happened - you need that information before you do anything.

The easiest option sounds like changing the midweek night he does.

anythingnoteverything - he has moved into the girlfriend's house because that is where the children are now being taken to. They have confirmed this the last few visits. I have politely requested an address via e-mail and he hasn't responded. So I did my detective work and found it - of course, it might not be it but it all adds up correctly so I'd be very surprised if it wasn't. The children complained it was a 'long way' which is why I felt the need to work it out as clearly, a 'long way' is not within the boundries of a normal town. Why he feels the need to hide these things is beyond me, I'm no psycho ex although I think he likes people to think I am!

I will see how we go with Cubs the next few weeks and if he doesnt' get to attend, deal with it then. I am not happy with the distance but take leave from everyone else that it's probably OK and will avoid any issues on that score.

oh should say, of course he doesn't want me to have his address because I suspect he's hoping to stop his maintenance payments - he is only paying at the moment as the CSA had an Order of Sale and Possession Order on his house so he had no choice but to pay up something (he's not paying anywhere near what he agreed to to clear the debt and is not paying any regular maintenance either but it is something). If he falls off the radar for a bit then I guess he'll get away with it until they can catch up with him. If he doesn't pay the next few weeks, I shall let the CSA have the address I've found - a CSA letter landing on the doormat will hopefully get her asking a few questions!

It's shit isn't it! I don't think distance should be an issue, it won't be worth the hassle and although it's a shame cubs will be lost it is more important the kids spend time with their dad. My ex lives a ten minute drive and he thinks that's too much :) it could be worse.

Not the question that you raised but I don't think that it is acceptable for you not to know the address where your children will be while he has them. I would not allow them to go at all on that basis. What grounds does he has for witholding that information?

I don't think a 45 min journey once a week will be an issue. If you have them at the Childminders at 07:30 then surely they are out the house even earlier with you. Lots of kids have long journeys or go to before school childcare. I understand you say you're "not very happy with the distance" but why? If it's a 45 min drive then they'd have to leave at 08:00 - the children will have been at the CM's for half hour already by that time when they are with you.

The cubs thing is more of an issue, not really fair that they have to miss out. Perhaps change to a different group on a different night or one straight after school? Or explain how your child is upset at missing cubs and try and renegotiate a different school night?

yes, I get the bit about my timing and the fact that his timing will probably mean he leaves later than I do. I'm just not comfortable with it - it seems a lot to me although I appreciate other children do it and I have no intention of causing any problems as a result. I am concerned that our eldest will miss a favorite activity but all is not lot on that front if I find him another group.

probablyparanoid - he has no grounds for with-holding the address, although in his head he will have made some up (usually along the lines of how abusive and violent I am and how I wish the latest girlfriend harm - all rubbish, all in his head, never had an issue with any of the girlfriends, bar the 'other woman' who was awful to our children (which he witnessed) and who I still didn't confront or e-mail or text or facebook or contact in anyway directly). He is very controlling - and I suspect his 'grounds' are that he has told her a lot of lies and coming into contact with me in anyway may mean his very carefully constructed reality comes crashing down. Assuming I have found the correct address, for example, he has told me that she will be selling her house and they will be moving in together in the next town. The address I have for her isn't owned by her or by anyone with the same name (have checked it all out) so she's not selling anything. At best, they are waiting for her rental contract to come to an end, at worst they have no intention of moving anywhere nearer to where we are. Or she owns a house somewhere else, I guess, which is on the market - it's a possibility. So he's already (probably) told me two lies before they've moved in together - not great, is it?! I also suspect he was seeing a couple of other women at the same time as her (if the names of the women the children tell me about are anything to go by) so he wouldn't want me to mention that at all.

I'm afraid that with-holding contact isn't my style and whilst I should have the address from him, in writing, if he's not going to give it me we're at stale mate. He can pick the children up from school as they won't stop him and have no right to legally. I could involve my solicitor but it'll cost me. I have found the information I want online - she was daft enough to like a business page of his on Facebook so I have her surname. I looked her up on Facebook and although she is locked down, the photos I can see are of a child the same age my children have mentioned. I have put her through 192 and there is one person of that name in our county, living in an area my ex has just added to his business website as an area he covers. I paid for a 192 report on the address and her name so I have the full address now - I'd be surprised if it was wrong with all that pointing towards it being correct. I am happy I know where they are in the event of an emergency. I have one over on him, and thinks he's got one over on me. We're all happy!