DD keeps asking about her biological dad who she's never met

[lottieandmia]

I've posted about this before but dd is 4 and has never met her bio dad. He wants nothing to do with her and is an unpleasant person with violent and abusive tendencies. The last contact I had from him was a nasty, abusive and threatening email. She has a happy and fulfilled life (I think!) with me and her half sisters and family and she seems happy most of the time and has settled into school very well.

I have explained to her before that he lives in another country which is true a lot of the time although at the moment he is living and working in Manchester.

I feel very sorry for her because, of course she deserves better than this situation. But she keeps on asking, 'who is he? Can I see him? Why does he live in another country? Can I give him a shell?'

I don't know what to say to her. I have already said that he went away but she doesn't seem happy with this explanation any more. When she was a baby I hoped that she wouldn't be bothered about him as he has never been a part of her life but it looks as though it's going to turn out differently. I feel guilty too that he will only ever bring her disappointment.

What do you say to a child in a situation like this so as not to make them feel bad?

My son hasn't seen his Dad since he was 3... so has very few memories

I have to say it got worse when he started school..not sure if your LO started this Septemeber..I think all the Dad's on the playground, biff chip and kipper in the lovely mum dad family and a realisation you aren't like other families.

I told him repeatedly it wasn't anything he did so much he would eventually roll his eyes and say yeeeeees mum.

But I focused on all families are different. Talked about adopted kids and how some families may have mum and Dad but doesn't mean they get more time..He doesn't have to share me..

I also told him his Dad is not very good at been a Dad..My son wants to be a Dad when he grows up and I want him to be a far better Dad than his Dad has been.

We fled and went to a refuge..I have told him I left his Daddy with him as I Thought we would be happier on our own and still think that was the right thing to do for us.

I also tell him I can't contact his Dad ..If his Dad wants to see him it is something he has to sort out.

It took till half way through year 1 till he wa fine with it and now talks about his Dad with no real emotion behind him

I've told the dc's (6 & 5) the truth, just in a watered down way. He went 5yrs ago.

They know their daddy was angry and grumpy, wasn't very nice to live with and wasn't very good at being part of a family. I've not told them that actually he was a raging asshole who said he would kill us all and spent as little time with us as possible.

Sometimes they ask about him which is fine. They know his name and what job he did. I never bad mouth him and there are still a couple of photos of him up. But with a bit of luck we won't hear from him ever again.

Thanks for your advice. Yes, dd has started school in September! Also it does not help that her older half sisters have a dad who they see every week.

I think it does boil down to the fact that some people make very bad parents and will never be able to step up to the plate. But explaining that to a 4 year old is hard who probably sees an idealistic view of 'dad' generally presented.

She's still talking about it today - looking on the globe to see where he lives Perhaps I should tell her he's an angry person so he can't live with us, like Meglet. This is the truth after all.

Ds is 9 and has been asking about his father since he was 2.5. I've always been very vague and never given him the real reason that there is no contact but as ds gets older the questions become more searching. Most recently I have said that some people enjoy being part of a family and being a parent and some don't and ds's father is one of those.

What makes it extremely hard is the questions ds gets at school. He has been to nursery and two schools and yet he is the only person he knows who has no contact with his father

There's no easy answer to it is there?

I do think it depends on the individual child what they need to know...I think sometimes kids just want to know facts and information about their dad...

Be sure of what you are saying is right for your child, you cannot take back is said...

I know for my son I don't want him to have some fantasy Dad but equally don't want him to be angry with him