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Lone parents

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Original poster

Feeling trapped! Should I move with no support??

24 replies

scattybird76 · 14/10/2013 01:22

Hi
I am a 36 yr old lone parent with a 3 yr old and am beyond bored and frustrated but feel utterly trapped in my situation and unable to change it. I don't work as was made redundant when DS was 18 mths (have tried to find part time work but have found it hard and have since lost loads of confidence) and I live in my mums old house (not realistic to what I could otherwise afford - e.g garden, nice area etc - not ideal as ,although she babysits, we have a difficult relationship)..anyway, DS was not planned and I hadn't ever wanted children. I was due to leave my managerial job to study and travel when I became pregnant. It was a difficult time and I was very undecided whether I had done the right thing all the way through the pregnancy..Anyway, cutting a long story short, I feel trapped in a (small minded) town I don't feel I belong in - I find it hard to know what to do with ds on weekends as all my friends with kids have partners and well, basically, where I live is boring and just not 'me'. My ds is due to start school next year and I feel overwhelmed with the thoughts of getting stuck here... I fantasize about moving and making a fresh start - meeting more like minded people, living somewhere more 'stimulating', going on a date god forbid!- all the time but am worried I will be so isolated with no baby sitters that I will be in an even worse situation... I am due to study at uni so I think this would be a good way of meeting people if I were to move... I feel a shadow of my former self and not sure if this is motherhood or just where I live!!??? (p.s. I feel I should be in a city-Brighton/Bristol?)
Has anyone left all their support network to make a fresh start?? I would really appreciate some experiences as I feel my life is passing me by but I don't want to mess DS around too much once he starts school!!!!

OP posts:

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NatashaBee · 14/10/2013 02:30

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Original poster

scattybird76 · 14/10/2013 09:42

Well yes that's the problem I guess... My mums is near and she helps with practical issues such as if Im ill etc... BUT I cant bear the thought of living in this area for the next 15 years!!... Have you ever just upped and left?.

OP posts:

niceupthedance · 14/10/2013 09:49

I was in your situation, had moved to be closer to my mum but found the new place boring and had no social life. I moved back to the city I came from, am at uni now. There are some girls at the nursery who will babysit and a couple of friends who would help in an emergency. I'm a lot happier now but it's because I'm near my old friends - I've not made loads of new ones. Where are your friends based, where you are now?

Original poster

scattybird76 · 14/10/2013 10:16

I am based in a small town in Worcestershire and I do have good friends around but they are quite settled and so spend their weekends etc. with their partners.. socially, there's not a lot going on here.. I was due to leave the area when I found out I was pregnant...if it wasn't for ds I know I would be living in a city or abroad...Not sure how to meet a compromise but I feel like my personality is fading away and im becoming old before my time!! I don't want to look back in 10/15 years time and have regrets but at the same time I don't want to be unrealistic!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 14/10/2013 12:05

apply for jobs and move to wheere you can get a good job. that seems logical. you wil sort out the childcare etc when you get there.

cestlavielife · 14/10/2013 12:06

tho if ds has contact with his dad hthen that could be a factor in where to go ?

cestlavielife · 14/10/2013 12:07

ah sorry you said study at uni - how will you fund that? is there a uni with nursery for students etc? is it a course leading to a job?

Original poster

scattybird76 · 14/10/2013 12:50

I was due to start a social work degree so, yeah, I think that would be quite a good degree to study as far as work is concerned. I also think going to uni is a good way of making friends... It just worries me that if I move away from my support Ill be isolated and in a worse position!!! It would be interesting to hear if anyone just upped and left and what happened! Are you around much support?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 14/10/2013 13:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight1234 · 14/10/2013 13:52

have you thought of a smaller move to maybe a bigger town but still near your mum..may work better...

I did start again when I son was 1..I do have a good circle of friends but not much social life once son is in bed.

niceupthedance · 14/10/2013 14:28

I'm doing social work and there's a lot of mature students on the course with kids, my last uni (different course) they were all 18, and not that friendly. I would say go for it. I struggled with losing my former exciting life for a long time until I realised it didn't have to completely disappear and did something about it. We also live in a flat now, previously in a house with garden but you know what, it's fine.

Original poster

scattybird76 · 14/10/2013 18:50

@Natashabee - 12 hours is quite a way!! I think the furthest I have considered moving is a 4 hour drive..

@starlight - I have thought of this as a compromise - did you move away from what you knew when your lo was 1? If so, how did you find it? How is it finding childcare and did it take long to settle? (sorry for all the questions but genuinely intrigued!!

@niceupthedance - how you finding the SW degree? and when you did something about it, did you relocate? and do you live in a flat because of where you moved? last question(!!!) - if you moved specifically to go uni, did you know anyone?

Thanks for your posts guys and sorry for all the questions!!! :)

OP posts:

starlight1234 · 14/10/2013 19:43

I wasn't working when I moved to a new area didn't know a soul but to a small town I wanted to live..

I did all the parent toddler groups and had to make a real effort to meet people...It was hard but never regretted it.

I am now a child minder..so childcare for work is no issue...It think the hardest thing about moving away from family is no matter how good your friends are they won't have them everyweek to go to an exercise class and do you really want to pay for a baby sitter to do that..Add expense of childcare on top of a night out adds up so while I do have good friends rarely go out..

It has made me far more sociable , DS is now 6 and occasionally does have a sleep over...

I didn't really have great support where I was and lived in big city so really had nothing to lose

chocoreturns · 15/10/2013 10:04

I would go. I am going to move myself, and I'll only be an hour away from people who would help but it means a lot of my regular/emergency help will stop. My friend did it last year to a city where she knew 2 people and had no other help at all with her LO. She has made friends with other mums, has a regular babysitter, and is willing to do sleepover swaps with other single mums (she has their LO in return for a night off with her LO sleeping at theirs). Be positive, get out there and do what you know is right. Just be damned sure you don't sit on your behind when you DO move, get to toddler groups asap and be the mum that organises the first coffee morning for new reception mummies. Your life will be what you make it, and if you settle for an area you feel sucks the life out of you, it won't be good for your LO in the long run.

feelingsik · 15/10/2013 10:54

I moved and wish I didn't. Two years down the line and hardly anyone speak to us at school, no play dates for dc no new friends for me. What was I thinking!

chocoreturns · 15/10/2013 11:49

oh no feelingsik :( whereabouts are you? If you're in the SW I'd be happy to meet up! x

Original poster

scattybird76 · 15/10/2013 14:14

@starlight- what were your initial reasons for living and does the fresh start outweigh the support network?

@Choco - just out of interest but what city did your friend move to and how old was her LO? Curious to know how difficult it is once kids are of school age..Its a brave move but I imagine its amazing if it works..and your right about the long run as I am starting to forget my former self!(And I was fun!)...Are you moving to a job or just going with no plans? Thanks for the encouragement!!

@feelingsik - how far away are you from your support etc? and do you work? I would probably start a college course or volunteer as both are a really good way of meeting people... I did my first 'school run' last week at pre-school and felt like an alien amongst the other mums ;)

OP posts:

betterthanever · 15/10/2013 23:58

OP, your DS is still very little but they grow up fast and I think once school starts then it does open up options for you - go, you can always go back if it doesn't work out. I had support and it is great now but as other things were going on at the time when DS was younger they could not offer me much support - nursery staff and friends helped and if you are at Uni there will be some flexibility. Have a great adventure and let us know how you get on.

chocoreturns · 16/10/2013 09:09

Brighton, and 2.5. Go for it! Pick somewhere where you know you have opportunities, a university town perhaps with the potential for you to settle in and apply to study further down the line? Feel the fear and do it anyway...

bluebeardsbabe · 16/10/2013 21:26

Watching this thread with interest as I am in exactly the same position. I now live on the top floor of my mothers house which in many ways is a luxury as I have support to care for dd 12 months, low rent, company at night, etc et BUT

I feel like I am slowly rotting away. Mum lives in a smallish town which is made up of happy couples and families (or so it feels to me). Before I became a single parent I lived in a nice flat in quite a vibrant city but had to move back in with my mother for more reasons than I can list here!!

I do have the opportunity to move back to where I lived before dd was born. I do have friends there but not the same support network as here. The chances of me finding a new man or having any kind of excitement here is 0.

If I tell you that I have not been out ONCE since dd was born to get pissed/dance/pull etc etc that gives you an idea of my situation!!! It is not only because I am on my own, I feel like there is literally no where to go and no one to do it with. I went out for a quiet meal on my 40th....that sort of sums it up.

Am so split in my decision of leaving comfort of grandma on tap or getting my own life back again further away from support.

(Dd's dad has sporadic contact and does not seem to care if we live on his street or on the moon so I don't really need to consider him when I move)

bluebeardsbabe · 16/10/2013 21:27

Choco...I am in the SW too...if you or any other single mums are up for anything entertaining! I am literally surrounded by 2.4 children here!!!

Original poster

scattybird76 · 17/10/2013 00:51

Thanks for posting - reading these makes me I should grow some balls and make a run for it.
Choco - brighton is exactly where I keep leaning towards..A few months ago I had found a 1 bedroom flat that was near a good school, places at the uni AND places at the Uni nursery. My friend in Eastbourne offered to pick me up and take me there to sort it all and then I bottled it!!! Grrrrr.... Its a LONG way from my support network (4 hours drive) BUT it keeps calling me!! Its hard to know without knowing the areas (and schools) all that well though!!
@ Bluebeardsbabe - I basically feel exactly how you do!!!!!I am also surrounded by happy couples and families and the nights out I do have are pretty predicable.. I sure as hell know I wont be meeting any one new any time soon!!! Let me know what you end up doing or message me if you need to off load... I keep thinking 'have no regrets'!!...
@betterthannever - thanks for the encouragement!!! :)

OP posts:

LasCanteras · 17/10/2013 23:45

I have the same problem. I'm 34 and have an 11 month old dd, I moved back from a life I loved in Spain for this! I've moved in with my Mum in a small town and I absolutely hate my life. I was teaching English as a foreign language in Spain and my plan was to come home and do my PGCE and move back out there and get a job in one of the British schools as a primary teacher. It seemed like a great idea at the time as there wasn't much work or job security in tefl, now I just don't know if it's possible. My Mum and brother are completely besotted with my dd and I can't imagine trying to take her away from here when she's 3. Also, as you guys have mentioned, my confidence is dropping, I used to be so outgoing with a great life and I can't believe this is me now. I'm actually at the point of considering leaving my dd with my Mum and just moving on, it's that bad. I've told some of my friends and they seem horrified but seriously, she's happy here and to be honest she spends more time with my Mum than me, my Mum sort of took over from the beginning so I've never had much confidence as a Mum and don't really feel like dd is mine.
As much as I feel that leaving her is so wrong I also know that I'm no use to her right now. I was very close to not continuing the pregnancy and spent the whole time trying to convince myself that I'd done the right thing, now it's not so easy.
I think you can move with a 3 year old, if you're going to uni and can put him in nursery I'd say it's possible and like pp have said, you'd have to make a real effort to make new friends and ideally friends with children, then you should be able to make it work. At the end of the day, is staying where you are an option? I think you should go for it, if you feel anywhere near as trapped as me then it's a horrible feeling, go for it, and let us know how you get on. If I didn't have people here putting pressure on me to stay I would def be away when dd turns 3.

Lonemum22 · 17/08/2023 03:40

I want to move out of the town as awful personal problems found an mutual exchange in another town but no support but no way of going to see the property and move as have no transport how do people do it. Any advice much appreciated

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